Good evening laydees.
My name is Craig. I have several qualifications, an employment history you simply wouldn't believe, and a dog. My life may seem full, but in fact, it is missing the companionship of a good woman. The only relationship I have had recently was with 'Big Eric', and that was fleeting. For some reason he could only perform in the shower block, which meant that as he was a somewhat lardy type with slightly dubious personal hygiene standards, our trysts took place every other Sunday, just before Top Gear.

On the plus side, I no longer make a noise when I fart which means I can blame it on anyone in the immediate vicinity. This is another skill I shall add to my extensive CV.

Will you marry me?
(Craig Colclough I've been on the telly you know. And in the papers, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 21:53, 80 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Sorry, my heart belongs to JeffTheDogFucker.
I do, however, have an injured hand. What do you suggest I do to remedy this?
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 21:58, Reply)

*Adopts "doctor" mode*
I'd suggest the services of a virile army "medic", who will manipulate the injury in the style of a polar bear playing on an X-Box. Then sell your story to the press in the hope of being paid enough to have a bionic hand grafted on instead.

The benefit of bionic hands is that there is no feeling in them, therefore, when you're having a wank it feels like someone else is doing it.

That will be £50 please. For my wedding fund, you understand.
(Craig Colclough I've been on the telly you know. And in the papers, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 22:03, Reply)

Bionic hand it is.
Cheers doc!
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 22:13, Reply)

All part of the service.
By the way, each consultation enters you into a free draw. The prize is your very own fighter jet and an all expenses paid trip to the arctic region of your choice.
(Craig Colclough I've been on the telly you know. And in the papers, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 22:14, Reply)

no sorry
but could you give me some advice on Arctic expeditions?
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 22:03, Reply)

To explore the arctic
You need the benefit of press publicity, the right equipment, and the ability to drop out at the last minute as you'd forgotten you'd left the gas on.

£50 please. And I've got my eye on you, you saucy mare.
(Craig Colclough I've been on the telly you know. And in the papers, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 22:05, Reply)

thanks
am off to arrange the purchase of equipment that will never be used
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 22:47, Reply)

Jeff has some 'equipment' that will never be used.
On a human, anyway.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 22:52, Reply)

I'm not sure that my "equipment" will ever be used again.

(Craig Colclough I've been on the telly you know. And in the papers, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 23:28, Reply)

Bring back JohntheDane
this new account is fucking shit
( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 22:07, Reply)

also as a side note
your first wife presents as a transexual; does this mean you paedo up young boys as well as girls ?
( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 22:14, Reply)

Look, it was a small town in rural Scotland
I was young, inexperienced and frankly would have married a Scouser at that time in my life.

I got it right later. For about ten days.
(Craig Colclough I've been on the telly you know. And in the papers, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 23:09, Reply)

No
I've foolishly stuck a raisin up my nose, how would you suggest I remove it?
(Zoz prayed for twink on, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 22:11, Reply)

I believe althegeordie may be able to help on that score.
Have you got a pillow handy? To bite down on, of course.
(Craig Colclough I've been on the telly you know. And in the papers, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 22:12, Reply)

Found one!
*plumps*
(Zoz prayed for twink on, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 22:19, Reply)

Typical...
there's never an althegeordie around when you need one. Monty'll have to do, I'm afraid.
(Craig Colclough I've been on the telly you know. And in the papers, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 22:31, Reply)

SIGH!

(Zoz prayed for twink on, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 22:38, Reply)

*unzips*

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 22:53, Reply)

*wields cocktail stick*

(Zoz prayed for twink on, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 23:01, Reply)

That's exactly the noise my farts make.

(Craig Colclough I've been on the telly you know. And in the papers, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 23:00, Reply)

This would be top of the popular page,
were there any justice in this crazy, mixed up world.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 23:11, Reply)

It's all gone to shit hasn't it?
Much like my "medical" career.
(Craig Colclough I've been on the telly you know. And in the papers, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 23:22, Reply)

I want to start cock-gazzing
but am unsure of some of the niceties of the procedure.

Does one photograph one's old chap from above or below? If the latter, is it poor form to have one's gurning visage visible in the background? And lighting - is a spotlight vulgar or merely arty? Have you found black and white or colour to be most effective?

And is a followup flaccid-gaz a bit too honest? Are there any pitfalls you can help me avoid?

Sometimes Debrett's is woefully inadequate.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 22:19, Reply)

Don't use your own cock.

( thealternativefact, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 22:20, Reply)

What are you implying here?

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 22:23, Reply)

See my reply below.
Clendrix is a lady of some good taste and sensible advice. She does a grown up job in the big city, and is invariably right on such matters.

I didn't get where I am today by being myself, you know.
(Craig Colclough I've been on the telly you know. And in the papers, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 22:25, Reply)

Look, it was cold alright?
And I'd been under a lot of pressure at work.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 22:26, Reply)

I'm not judging you.
It's just that after the last photo, I had a sudden craving for cocktail sausages.
( thealternativefact, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 22:29, Reply)

He wraps it in bacon at christmas

( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 22:39, Reply)

It was a geometric distortion* due to the angle of the camera.
It looked like I'm hung like a baby mouse, I'll give you that, but in reality I'm more akin to a RAMPANT VOLE.


*science talk, you won't understand
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 22:41, Reply)

I concede.
You are like a rampant vole.
( thealternativefact, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 22:45, Reply)

*does the Lambeth Walk*
YESSSSSS!!!!! ROUND ONE TO MONTYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!

*does Frank Drebin baseball dance*
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 22:46, Reply)

It depends on how well you know them.
I'd suggest an invitation to the opera as an opening gambit, personally.

If you are going gaz a picture of your cock to an unsuspecting lady, I'd suggest that you get someone else to stand in as a stunt double, to add to the illusion.
(Craig Colclough I've been on the telly you know. And in the papers, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 22:23, Reply)

to add to the illusion so it can be captured without need for a microscopic lens.
( thealternativefact, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 22:27, Reply)

I've got a really nice personality
and I shower daily AND brush my teeth a lot. AND I have a high IQ.

Fido never puts me down like this, I can tell you.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 22:28, Reply)

Yeh.
That stuff totally matters after the pub on a Friday night.
( thealternativefact, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 22:29, Reply)

More importantly
do you swallow ?
( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 22:31, Reply)

Monty takes it nasally if the rumours are true.

(Craig Colclough I've been on the telly you know. And in the papers, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 22:34, Reply)

It's more of a lapping motion.
Then I lie in my basket and dream of owning a computer shop, wagging my little tail.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 22:38, Reply)

Utopia indeed

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 22:41, Reply)

It may take
more than Winalot to reel this one in Monty.
(Zoz prayed for twink on, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 22:35, Reply)

*ugrades to a liberal sprinkling of powdered Iams in the pubes*

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 22:43, Reply)

Well, that as well.
Would you like to marry me? We could honeymoon at the South Pole; it would be excellent.
(Craig Colclough I've been on the telly you know. And in the papers, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 22:29, Reply)

I'll only do it if none of your fucking family comes to the wedding.

( thealternativefact, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 22:30, Reply)

Since none of my family (or friends or best man, come to that) came to my last wedding
consider it a deal.
(Craig Colclough I've been on the telly you know. And in the papers, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 22:32, Reply)

I need some meds
I am much less cynical than I was as a younger man, also my sartorial standards are forming a rather alarming parabola as I veer from suits to skatewear. Do you have any medical advice or can you advise on any lifestyle changes I can enact to regain my former cynicism, streetsuavitude and, dare I say, joie de vivre?

I'll be jolly grateful if you can, old boy.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 22:42, Reply)

Ah, Dozer.
Can I call you Dozer? It reminds me of the Matrix. I was everybody's stunt double in that you know.

Anyway, yes; your problem. I'm afraid that medical advice is useless in this type of situation, uness you're willing to fork out a fortune on psychotherapy (note: must get round to qualifying).

Skatewear is generally fine if you can actually skate; however, if you're over the age of 25 I'd suggest staying away from the 'jeans around the buttocks look'. Actually, stay away from that look anyway; it only looks vaguely respectable on potty training toddlers and even then it's a bit wrong.

My advice would be to have a look on the Daily Mail website (or even the Sun's, they have half naked laydees on that one, some of whom look as if the've been to one of the Poles already if their nipples are to be believed) and check out some of the comments to stories about immigrunts. You'll soon be as right as rain.
(Craig Colclough I've been on the telly you know. And in the papers, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 22:57, Reply)

When I say skatewear, not the trousers round the buttocks look.
And my friends call me Plummers, so yeah, call me Dozer.

So, what about the bipolar sartorialism?

I am still in need of help.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 23:01, Reply)

Simple.
One look for the day, another for night. Or, if you're feeling especially flamboyant, you could go for the Two Face out of Batman look and go half and half.

It's a winner.
(Craig Colclough I've been on the telly you know. And in the papers, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 23:07, Reply)

I saw a beheading video today and now I know what a dying man's ragged breathing sounds like when it comes through a partially severed windpipe.
Can you help with that one?
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 23:11, Reply)

I suggest you try and forget about it.
Try taking up a hobby. Polar exploration's good, and has the added benefit of being able to drop out at the last minute whilst fucking off with the sponsorship money.
(Craig Colclough I've been on the telly you know. And in the papers, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 23:14, Reply)

Have you ever seen 'Shogun Assassin'?
The last line of dialogue:

Master of Death: When cut across the neck, a sound like wailing winter winds is heard, they say. I'd always hoped to cut someone like that someday, to hear that sound. But to have it happen to my own neck is...ridiculous.
[dies]

Top five film for me, that one.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 23:15, Reply)

No, no I haven't.
How goes it, Monty old bean? I have just ordered the original 12" of Temptation by New Order.

As a massive, long term Joy Division fan it's taken me the best part of fifteen years to be able to listen to New Order.

Funny I know.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 23:19, Reply)

Not at all bad, thank you, young Plummers.
I must confess I have never 'got' either band.

Today, for me, it's all about 'Dirty Robber':
www.youtube.com/watch?v=YwcAdwTipYE
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 23:27, Reply)

Ah, The Sonics.
Or as James Murphy refers to them, the Sonics, the Sonics, the Sonics, the Sonics.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 23:30, Reply)

I've edited the link to the superior Wailers original, if you care...
EDIT I've seen The Sonics - what a show.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 23:32, Reply)

Not into Reggae at all
Closest I get to reggae is jungle.

Or perhaps this, one of my favourite (and most prized) records:

www.youtube.com/watch?v=IQxvo_9DEqY
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 23:34, Reply)

I saw David Bowie once.
In a film. On the telly. I could totally sort his eyes out, being a newly qualified opthalmic surgeon and all that.
(Craig Colclough I've been on the telly you know. And in the papers, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 23:37, Reply)

It's The Fabulous Wailers, from Seattle.
They were the band The Sonics learned it all from. I do like that Slits number though.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 23:42, Reply)

That's okay then
Reggae is a frightful din, can't abide it.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 23:42, Reply)

Some of it is indeed tosh (pun intended)
but there are some great reggae records hidden amidst the faeces, honest.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 23:49, Reply)

I'll take your word on that

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 0:01, Reply)

don't
it's all frightful lies. Listen to some VAST instead
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 0:02, Reply)

Sorry love, I'm washing me hair innit

( fuck shit up the best you never had, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 22:46, Reply)

Becky, my love, my sweet.
You know that our destiny is together. Don't fight it.

I'll bring my dog around to your practice tomorrow. Her anal glands are chronic at the moment and need a good squeeze.

Then we'll get married.
(Craig Colclough I've been on the telly you know. And in the papers, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 22:59, Reply)

Fancy a bit of Rigoletto?

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 23:10, Reply)

Brilliant.
I love pasta.
(Craig Colclough I've been on the telly you know. And in the papers, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 23:14, Reply)

We're both winners here

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 23:15, Reply)

You should totally experience my gnochhi.

(Craig Colclough I've been on the telly you know. And in the papers, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 23:21, Reply)

Damn, she appears to have gone.
I know, I'll send her a photo. She'll like that.
(Craig Colclough I've been on the telly you know. And in the papers, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 23:35, Reply)

Please cc me
i fackin love me some gaz cock
( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 23:49, Reply)

Sorry, I don't do blokes
Apart from Big Eric, and I didn't have a great deal of choice in that matter.






Much.
(Craig Colclough I've been on the telly you know. And in the papers, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 23:53, Reply)

Imma fuckin 14 year old bird you prick
your loss
( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 23:55, Reply)

Rory's a funny name for a girl.
And shouldn't you be in bed with your teddy bear?
(Craig Colclough I've been on the telly you know. And in the papers, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 0:02, Reply)

It's for my girlfriend
she's a big fan of you
( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 0:10, Reply)

14 AND a lesbian?
Blimey, society's worse than I thought after few weeks in prison.
(Craig Colclough I've been on the telly you know. And in the papers, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 0:17, Reply)

Oh, it's rosalicious.
I was confused for a bit there. Should have known. "imma 14 year old girl". Of course. Will you marry me?
(Craig Colclough I've been on the telly you know. And in the papers, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 1:04, Reply)

Or kano.
Blimey that's some multiple personality shit going on. We could be related.
(Craig Colclough I've been on the telly you know. And in the papers, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 1:19, Reply)

Dear Aunty Craig,
I've been going out with my boyfriend for about a day now, and he's pressuring me into marrying him. I'm not really sure I'm ready for this level of commitment, but he's really funny and a rich polar-exploring army doctor who raises money for little cancer kiddies.
What should I do?
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 10:59, Reply)

Sounds like a catch to me.
I'd say marry him; you have a nice party and a honeymoon, then get it anulled once you've discovered he's not all he's cracked to be.
(Craig Colclough I've been on the telly you know. And in the papers, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 18:15, Reply)