I would have liked his stories better
If it didn't feel like he was using some kind of specially designed formula to produce them

Embarrassing position to be found in + explicit mention of sex/masturbation + overwrought metaphors = Best Of page. You could probably programme a bot to do it for you - Spankybot 2.0
(Godwin's Lawyer is more evil than Hitler, Wed 1 Sep 2010, 14:55, 2 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Or a phallic paperclip that pops up as you type
"Hello. It looks as though you're trying to write a surefire hit for QOTW. Would you like help?
- Yes please, I would benefit from a template and a host of dodgy metaphors and euphemisms
- No thanks, I have enough depraved sexual fantasies lurking in the back of my mind for a lengthy, lengthy run of these. (Apologies for length!)"
(LongJohnBaldry, Wed 1 Sep 2010, 14:59, Reply)

effectively they were just a very complicated way of telling people
that he has sex sometimes.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Wed 1 Sep 2010, 14:59, Reply)