The Friday Night Saga
(This is a big 'un)

I was once given a piece of advice, a morsel of wisdom passed down from generation to generation, something so potent, so right in itself that it could correct many wrong caused by any man. As anybody knows, human beings are flawed, and the nugget of eternal truth slipped from my mind like yesterday’s shopping list, and this caused the following epic journey to take place, a true Friday Night Saga, that I’m sure has changed my life forever.

The following events took place last Friday, the night after my meet-up with the other B3tans in Covent Garden;

I’d survived the night before with little sleep, and had gone to work far too early, my brain was yet to engage and several litres of alcohol were still yet to leave my system. The day itself passed uneventfully, but little did I know the tremendous struggle that I would face later that same day.
I left work, as usual, at 5.30, this was going to be one of the few Friday nights off I very rarely get (my Daughter had been on holiday with her Mum, and they were resting for the night at their house to recover). I was looking forward to putting my feet up, having some quality pants time and knocking out the odd hand-shandy over the thirty second long shampoo adverts that come on during the ad breaks of Richard and Judy. I was wrong, so very, very wrong.
My bastard car had broken down a few nights before, so I was making my way home by train, and finally reached the front door of my flat at about 6.15, I reached into my pocket, and, shit… I’d left my fucking keys at work. Fuck, cock, shit, bollocks and damn. The first thought to enter my head was that I could call a colleague, and ask them to get the boss to keep the office open as I made my way back. I pulled out my phone, double-fuck, the battery is dead. I really shouldn’t have stayed out the whole night before. If I knew anybody’s phone number off the top of my head I’d have used a payphone, but nobody remembers numbers anymore these days do they? They’re all just stored in their phones, sure some women keep address books or diaries with contact details in their handbags, but I’m a bloke, all I had in my pocket was lint and three-week old chewing gum.
I decided to make my way back to the office, there was a chance somebody could still be there, they could be working, maybe there was a cleaner or a security guard, maybe I wasn’t totally fucked after all.
I got back to the office around seven, all the lights were off, the doors were locked, even the little entrance area with the double doors were closed. I could just make out the little white plaque next to the buzzer for our floor, the one which has all of the out of hours emergency numbers on it, the numbers that were illegible from that distance. Fuck.
So I made my way back home again, I was going to try to break in. I have skinny little wrists. I was sure I could reach through my letterbox and unlock the door. Of course I couldn’t, my hand wouldn’t even fit through the damned thing. I thought about unscrewing it, but it seemed to have little square catches on both sides to prevent anybody trying to break in. I tried to kick the door down, from this I not only gained a deep respect for the structural integrity and security of my front door, but also a very sore shoulder and a slightly twisted ankle. The bloody cunt.

I had no choice now, I didn’t really have anywhere to go. I’ve got no real friends, especially not around here, so I made my way to the tiny village where my Daughter and my ex live.
I know that because I had no phone, and didn’t have a clue what her phone number was I was just going to turn up out of the blue, and there is no way I was going to be a particularly welcome guest. It was getting late, and I was tired, so I got a taxi for part of the journey. I turned up at about 10.30, tired, cold and very unhappy, the ex opened the door and I explained the situation to her. …sympathy? Pah! –why in God’s name had I hoped that she would start to at least show me a little shred of humanity for the first time ever? After all, I’d only supported her, and her carefree lifestyle, for the last eight years.
I was turned away, sad, cold and dejected. I walked the half hour journey to the nearest train station, and made my way home. I arrived at around midnight, knowing that now there would be no trains for me to catch if I failed again, I’d be buggered if I couldn’t help myself now. I tried breaking in again, but damn that door it just stood there in front of me. It was an impenetrable barrier that seemed to smirk a devilish smile at me with it’s shiny letterbox mouth, and it barricaded the way between me and my pants time.
Now it really was getting late, too late to ask my neighbours for help as they all have young children of their own and I didn’t want to wake them. I even asked some passing policemen if there was any way they could possibly help me, but they simply shrugged and turned me away, a fine example of Surrey’s boys in blue. There was one course of action left open to me, find a payphone, any payphone, call a directory services number and ask for a 24hr locksmith.
In today’s modern world though, particularly around here, payphones no longer exist. They’re incredibly rare, and it’s all because of the useless, lifeless lump of plastic that sat in my pocket, in it’s memory it contains every phone number, every contact I would ever need, the details of the few friends I have, the people I know would be able to get me out of this situation in minutes, if only I knew their numbers.

After a lot of searching around I had found an old red phonebox, shining like a beacon in a dark side-street of my hometown, one that I’d never been to before. Suddenly my luck was changing, I didn’t care that it stank of piss, or that drunken passers-by were giving me really funny looks and happily fighting among themselves.
A stroke of luck would have it that the night before when I had been out, I did the typical drinkers’ thing. -I’d paid for all my drinks with notes and had pockets full of change. It was now 2am, but I didn’t care, this piss-soaked cubicle of communication was to be my saviour. £10 worth of change later (phonebooths cost about 10p a second these days) and a nice young man told me to wait by the phonebox, one of his ‘agents’ was going to give me a call when he was on his way, I was going to be saved!
An hour passed, and still I hadn’t heard anything. So I called again, and ten more pounds of change later it’d been confirmed that he was on his way and would be outside my flat in half an hour. I ran home, ran with the joyous enthusiasm of a kid on the last day of school, and five minutes later the most handsome young man I have ever seen in my life appeared in his bright orange van. I had my very own knight in shining armour.
I didn’t catch his name, but by God I wish I had, I will be thanking that man in my dreams every night for the rest of my life. He whipped out a massive tool, and a power drill that oozed sex appeal, I wanted that handsome boy-child to penetrate my lock alright, I wanted him to penetrate it HARD.
Unfortunately he didn’t use his mighty weapon, the whole process took less than two minutes, and he didn’t even have to install a new lock. I was overjoyed, shocked, surprised and impressed by just how quickly he’d managed to force his way into my private area. I did a little dance and clapped and ‘yay’-ed inside.

Then my dark-haired, noble rescuer said, in his gruff and manly workman’s voice, ‘The agency ain’t expecting me here for anuvver twenty minutes,’ I looked into his warm brown eyes inquisitively, ‘if we don’t fill out this form, you can give me a hundred quid cash in hand, we’ll say no more about it, and all you have to do is call the agency again to cancel the job.’ My phone was already on charge. ‘Or,’ he continued, ‘we fill out the form, you pay me two hundred quid for a minute’s work and I’ll have to add VAT and install new locks.’
He got his £100 cash, and a very grateful handshake before he left, and I retired to my bed for a very lovely, warm, cosy night’s sleep.

So, what was the piece of advice that I’d forgotten from all those years ago? –it could be ‘carry around a list of emergency contact numbers with you, everywhere’, or ‘don’t rely on the police, they’re useless bastards’, but it’s not, it’s something I’ll never forget again, and neither should any of you, it’s;

DON’T FORGET YOUR FUCKING KEYS

Or at the very least have a friend with a spare set, and always, always charge your phone.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 9:11, 181 replies)

Oh dear
Have a hug and a click
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 9:18, closed)

A tip
Find a neighbour you like and trust and befriend them and then you can leave a spare set of keys at their house.
( girlinthehole, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 9:28, closed)

I've done so now, but with a friend
who lives miles away.

I wouldn't trust my neighbours as far as I could throw them.

Oh, and good 'ning everybody.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 9:29, closed)

Dare I ask
how was the rest of your weekend?
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 9:32, closed)

@becky
It was all good, went to a barbecue at my little girl's school on Saturday and did some very Dad-like dancing with her in front of around a hundred people, then spent Sunday swimming. ...and yourself?

@ancrenne Nipple clamps? Why didn't I think of that?! (and woo for leaving your job!)
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 9:35, closed)

Aww the poor love
She'll hate you for it in years to come.

I did lunch with friends on Saturday and finished my wall on Sunday. There's a picture of it in yesterday's mammoth thread in page 11 :)
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 9:39, closed)

*click*
Mornin', all...
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 9:48, closed)

This is a fantastic burt-style return to form
*clicks*
*kisses you on the mouth*
( Cawl, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 9:49, closed)

Ning
I love that it's ancrenne's last day at work and she's on here chatting. You rock, girl!
( thealternativefact, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 9:54, closed)

Are you wearing
your star spangled dress though Ancrenne?
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 9:57, closed)

@Kaol
You EVER put ANYTHING anywhere near my mouth again, and I'll bite the fucker off and send it back to your Mammy.

*vomits*
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 9:58, closed)

Does that just apply to Kaol,
Bert? ;)
(Belgaer is, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 9:59, closed)

Pffft Burt...
I don't remember you putting up much of a fight...
( Cawl, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 10:01, closed)

You had been showing everyone your knife, Kaol
Edit:

I thought you didn't remember much at all, anyway?
(Belgaer is, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 10:01, closed)

Oh God...
So I stole a kiss from Burt a knife-point?

Wow... There's a prison shower scene in my future.
*cries*

EDIT: I don't remember much, that's why I said "I don't remember you putting up much of a fight".
He might have done, I don't know!
( Cawl, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 10:02, closed)

Haha, brilliant Ancrenne
I'm in a wifebeater and short shorts as im too hot to wear anything else.

Hey Kaol, I never got to see your knife.
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 10:10, closed)

What the hell is a wifebeater?
I believe he stole a knife from the pub too...
(Belgaer is, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 10:11, closed)

Nope, I got asked not to go back,
remember? Well, you probably don't. :)

Edit:
I do have what could be an interview today though.
(Belgaer is, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 10:14, closed)

What's this about stealing a knife
From the pub?
Just a table knife or something?
It wasn't in my room the next morning.
( Cawl, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 10:17, closed)

Didn't we go through this last week?
Wifebeater is a white vest favoured by stella drinking guys that look good on girls.

I'm uploading LCD soundsystem today for my mate amongst many others, so if anyone wants it gaz me and I'll send you the links once it's done.
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 10:18, closed)

Nah, I doubt they'll be sending me anywhere again any time soon,
unless they're desperate for work or something.

@ Kaol:
Maybe that's where you disapeared for 10 minutes on the way to the second pub. It might be in the chest of a hooker down some side alley in Covent Gardens...
(Belgaer is, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 10:19, closed)

Hmmm...
It must be true then.

I did wonder why what I threw up looked so much like blood...
( Cawl, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 10:21, closed)

Now That's...
..
how you tell a story.

He could have just said "lost my keys, got locked out. Ex was a bitch. Man came from locksmith and let me in"

Same story but the devil's in the detail.

Well done that man.

*clicks*

Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 10:22, closed)

hmm...
vampire hookers in covent garden
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 10:25, closed)

Their charges are unsavoury.
Sorry.
(Belgaer is, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 10:27, closed)

Hang on...
Blood on my neck...
Vampire hookers...
A craving for raw meat...

*hides from sunlight*
( Cawl, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 10:27, closed)

*shines a uv light on Kaol*
Just checking like
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 10:45, closed)

Nooooo!
It shows up blood and other bodily fluids.

These aren't clean jeans.
( Cawl, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 10:50, closed)

despite being horribly busy again
I feel inexorably drawn back to b3ta....

also, good news for the exeter bash, after my band played last night we've been invited back to play again for an hour on friday night, so apparently we're not shit in the eyes of the general population.

edit: and they've said name your fee...

go us.

I've only had one gig and I'm already not sure I can take the rock and roll lifestyle
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 10:51, closed)

"Name your fee"
usually means "we've got a figure in mind and if you quote more than that we'll haggle you down, but if you're daft enough to quote less we'll bite your hand off". The trick is knowing where to pitch it. Even after many years of playing in public, it's still difficult sometimes!

Good on you, Vipros. Hope your band is successful, and it's a pity I won't be at the Exeter bash to hear you.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 10:58, closed)

Thanks!
I'm pretty pleased. I know we are a tight band and stuff, but it's hard to tell how your songs are being recieved, especially as the only cover song we know is Bad Guys from Bugsy Malone...

my girlfriend and our drummer's wife are already saying we can teach them to restring guitars and stuff, which will be useful :-)

edit: with regards to the fee, I'm sure that is the case. I have no clue how much we should be asking for...
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 10:59, closed)

Congratulations Vipros
And remember, it's not about the fee, it's all about the rider :)
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 11:03, closed)

our singer and I
discussed this the other day and we decided that profits should be spent on drugs and fireworks.

seemed sensible to us
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 11:04, closed)

No...
I'm wearing my work jeans.
Those were my drinking jeans on Thursday.

EDIT: Of course there'll be fireworks when we meet Vipros, he's not getting away without a kiss, can't have him feeling left out!
( Cawl, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 11:11, closed)

You poor, poor bastard!
I'm sorry for laughing, but this is the winner!

*click*

A few months ago, the mrs and I were heading out. I didn't have my keys, for whatever reason, and as I was closing the door I asked:

"Do you have your keys?"

"Yep!" Came the reply.

SLAM!

"Oh, wait. No, I don't."

Bugger.

~~~

Morning, everyone! *hula dances*
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 11:14, closed)

I did that several times
with the ex, but we did the super sneaky trick of keeping a key under a plant pot by the front door. Never got burgled though.

Morning DiT
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 11:19, closed)

if I had my way there'd be fireworks almost constantly
I love fireworks

@Kaol: hmmm, not sure I mind missing out too much ;-)

how do you feel about kissing a man with a beard?
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 11:20, closed)

A man with a beard?
Something to hold onto.
*grins*
( Cawl, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 11:21, closed)

*shaves*
!
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 11:23, closed)

Right, I'm off to get suited and booted.
Cya all laters, aye?
(Belgaer is, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 11:28, closed)

Good luck Darlin'
*kisses*
( Cawl, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 11:30, closed)

Mornin' all
Are we in this thread then?

@Vipros: Nice one! (about the band, as for the b3ta addiction, I've succumbed too today).
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 11:33, closed)

Spakka!
*launches*

Alwight, geeza?
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 11:38, closed)

Hi ancrenne
No problems re last night. You do who you do and you see what you see. Still needed to reply to a Gaz or two and do stuff on another web-forum so I wasn't left alone.

How's your last day?

EDIT: * catches * Orlwrite DIT?
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 11:39, closed)

Fine, fanks!
Does anybody else have Spore?

I can't get it to work on my lousy Mac (not got Leopard yet, see?), and for some reason the Laptop will download it but that's it. Can't find it anywhere except in the program list in control panel.

Any ideas? (sorry for boring techy geek stuff!)

EDIT: I don't think that my Mac is lousy. I loves the precious. *hugs macbook*
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 11:44, closed)

Spore
I'm very intigued by this game, but alas, my b3ta addiction and my need to work on my project means I don't have time to play one of those games that totally immerses me.
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 11:45, closed)

Throw it out the window
because Macs are rubbish and silly and the exit button is on the wrong side.

*is helpful*

Recent experience of Macs has been one that was 10 years old and hated me so I'm not feeling the love for them.
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 11:47, closed)

Macs
only have one mouse-button.

I'm sure you can get multi-buttoned mice, but I'd expect many apps' user-interfaces to be designed for a single mousebutton.

More buttons say I. I like things with lots of buttons on them.
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 11:50, closed)

@DiT
You play games on a Mac? (I'm assuming Spore is a game).

I use mine for everything else.

But I was using a PC with Vista today, briefly. Fucking awful it was.

Edit - New Macs have multi-button mice, and apps have been set up for use with them for years, with the one-button fallback position of the Ctrl-click for right button.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 11:53, closed)

*reads bert's story*
*cries*

*clicks*

morning all!

cake anyone?
(happylittletulip helpless and delicious, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 11:55, closed)

I've got Vista
on my new one

and I've found that once you've turned off all the shit and stopped it asking you if you are sure 4 times before it lets you do anything it's not so bad

looks nice at least. I only use the home comp for internet, music and films anyway, so it works for that
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 11:55, closed)

I've got vista on mine
which infuriated me when I got it from the insurance people as my old one had XP on it and I was used to it and loved it etc... I'm now almost used to it and it's stupid ways, but would never choose it myself if given the opportunity
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 11:56, closed)

@Vipros
Quite possibly that is the case. It wasn't my computer so I couldn't muck about with it too much, but I did find it much less easy to use than XP. And far more annoying.

@HLT - morning! You're late today. I missed my elevenses cake.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 11:58, closed)

K2k6
Not usually, got an xbox for that, but I like the idea of Spore and it's only available on PC/Mac.

I've only got a Mac at home, and i use it for, like you, everything else.

The work laptop is Vista. The most frustrating thing is they way it presupposes what you're doing. DON'T DO THAT! I am in charge, monsieur computer, and I have dominion! Bow to me! Bow to ZOD!

EDIT: Mornin', HLT! *smooshes*
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 11:58, closed)

@k2k6
sorry for lateness. I'm all sleepy and stumbly this morning *yawns, stretches*

@DiT, mmm, how nice!
(happylittletulip helpless and delicious, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 12:00, closed)

Mornin' HLT.
Yes please.

* licks lips *

Re Windows Vista: Should be renamed "Windows monthly visitor". That's all I have to say about that.

* sill uses Windows 2000 *

Re 1 button mice: I'm working on a multi-platform app and have set up combinations of the SHIFT+CTRL+ALT keys to emulate missing mousebuttons.
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 12:06, closed)

How dare you
That's General Zod to you
Morning HLT
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 12:07, closed)

Wine, money and pants book
Yay you ancrenne.

* Feels honoured to share last half hour of work with you *
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 12:09, closed)

@ancrenne
Only about 16 minutes left now. Excited?

@HLT - I'd love some cake now please. I'm just eating my lunch, and it's cake-free at the moment.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 12:14, closed)

'lo spakka, becky
good weekends all?

edit@k2k6 think i've got some about me somewhere

*digs about in pockets*

French Fancy?

btw, are you R2D2's older brother?
(happylittletulip helpless and delicious, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 12:15, closed)

@Becky
Here, have some cake. That's your prize for:

a) Getting the reference

and

b) As a result of that, becoming my new favourite b3tan*

(*you're all my favourite, naturally, it's just that becky is the favouritest right now! It's a complicated points system...)
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 12:16, closed)

Son of Jor-el kneal before Zod
used to be my signature on a few forums and no one knew what the fuck I was on about. No cake thanks, might puke.

Good thank HLT, I finished my bastard leaves and had a tasty lunch with friends :)
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 12:19, closed)

@DiT
So, how can we score more points then?

*crawly bumlicks*
(happylittletulip helpless and delicious, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 12:21, closed)

Hi Tulip
Had a slow but good weekend but succumbed to my b3ta addiction. At least now I have someone to clean up my vomit at the next bash.

@ancrenne: Drink wine, don't smoke.
Any chance you could squirt some of that wine through my monitor?
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 12:22, closed)

Ah, thanks HLT
*accepts French Fancy*

*removes pocket lint from top*

*eats*

I'm not related to R2D2, by the way. He's a short fat bloke.

I just clicked on your profile to see who's going to the Edinburgh bash and see you've got a photo up. You look younger and slimmer* than I imagined.

*because I imagined you eating all the cake...
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 12:23, closed)

Just a thought
If after a couple of bashes we decided to abandon our lives and share a big b3ta mansion together, would we be so satisfied with eachother's company that we'd spend all our time with eachother, or would we still log onto b3ta?

EDIT: @ancrenne: Yay you! Have fun!
Not sure if I'll be on in the afternoon (oh, who am I kidding), but may be on in eve.
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 12:25, closed)

Bye ancrenne
Enjoy your wasted afternoon. Or enjoy your afternoon, wasted. Same thing, I suppose.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 12:29, closed)

I'd still log on.
I can't stop myself.
( thealternativefact, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 12:29, closed)

I'd probably still log on
to chat to people who didn't want to live in the house.

Ooh HLT is muchly prettyful
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 12:31, closed)

Not having met you all yet
I wouldn't know. But I suspect I'd get tired of having my face licked and my ear sexed after a while.

Not to mentioning the bludgeoning.

The decor would be nice though, and there would be plenty of music.

Edit - and cake!
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 12:33, closed)

interesting thought Mr S
everyone might turn out to be very fickle

or just too plain weird ;-)

@HLT: you have a nice, slightly cheeky looking smile going on. I like!
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 12:33, closed)

@HLT
You can earn points in any number of ways. To be honest, the scoring system changes daily, so what might earn you a hundred points today could potentially earn you a negative number tomorrow.

Then there's the Duckworth-Lewis method to contend with.

Anyway, rimming me is not going to get you points on this day young lady! :)
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 12:35, closed)

I'd be looking forward to a b3ta mansion
but if things got out of hand, I could lust lock myself in the bathroom, install a bear in the toilet to prevent strange people sneaking in, and read b3ta to keep in touch with my housemates.
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 12:36, closed)

@k2k6
"You look younger and slimmer* than I imagined2

So... you imagined I was old and fat?

Well, that's you crossed off my little list.
(happylittletulip helpless and delicious, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 12:37, closed)

Well I'm out then
if we're talking cricket scoring methods. Retains honour of being DiT's favourite B3tan for the day at least.

I'm hungry. Need toast. Cant be arsed to get up
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 12:38, closed)

Sorry, HLT
I imagined that you would look more like your age (which you don't) and in my mind you were more, er,

*racks brain for suitable euphemism*

cuddly.

*grovels*

But you're not. You're lovely, really.

_{See, this sort of thing is why I never have any luck with the ladies. Damn!}
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 12:40, closed)

@ k2k6
*offers digging-related tools*
( Cawl, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 12:41, closed)

Thanks Kaol
I was thinking I needed a bigger shovel there.

Got a JCB handy? The size of this hole I've dug myself into is getting beyond manual labour.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 12:43, closed)

HLT's pic
I'd always immagined you'd have curly red hair that went a couple of inches past your shoulders. The face is how I'd immagined it to be. But nice pic. Like the smile, makes you look cheeky in a nice kind of way.
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 12:44, closed)

*waves arms around*
That's it boys, come on.
Pour that concrete!
*points*
( Cawl, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 12:44, closed)

*thaws slightly*
Say more nice things.

edit@ devil - thank goodness for that.

spakka - red curly hair? really?
(happylittletulip helpless and delicious, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 12:51, closed)

HLT
You really do look pretty there...

*smiles*
( Cawl, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 12:54, closed)

@HLT
It's just how I'd immagined you to look. Maybe 'Tulip' made me think of redness.

Re nice things:
You're cuddly and ... you're real.

EDIT: I just noticed there's something shiny under your left eye. Any idea what it is?
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 12:55, closed)

thanks
*goes all red*

can we talk about something else now please?
(happylittletulip helpless and delicious, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 13:04, closed)

No...
I'm going to lunch.
There's a park and some cider calling to me.

Bye!
( Cawl, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 13:06, closed)

@spak
If we 'abandon our lives' and live in the Big B3ta House, are we allowed to leave, you know, like to go to the pub and stuff? Or do we just have everything delivered?
( thealternativefact, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 13:13, closed)

Bye K
@HLT: but you were just beginning to thaw.

EDIT: @clendrix: The b3ta house would have a built-in pub.
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 13:14, closed)

I would keep talking about the same subject
But I've just dug a hole big enough to be the foundations for the new World Trade Centre and narrowly avoided being concreted into it by Kaol's Readymix boys.

*listens to standard wisdom*

*stops digging*
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 13:14, closed)

Oh K2k6
don't stop! I was enjoying it!

@Spak - seems fine to me.
( thealternativefact, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 13:16, closed)

@K2k6
I think you'd better climb out before Kaol returns.
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 13:16, closed)

This b3ta house...
could I suggest we locate it on a nice south sea atoll? Private, of course. Then in the unlikely event that we get fed up with each other at least one could go for a swim in the lagoon, or sleep on the beach or something.

Hey, it's an imaginary house! No point in having it in Grimsby.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 13:22, closed)

OK clendrix
*climbs out of old hole*

*prepares spade*

*starts new hole*

I imagine that you're, say, 5'8" tall, chin length dark brown hair and perhaps slightly heavier than, er, um, Kate Moss.

How's that?
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 13:27, closed)

I don't want to live in the house
I'd get bored. Can I come to visit instead please?

*has had test toast and not vomited so far FTW*
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 13:28, closed)

Well...
tiny bit shorter in height, hair almost right and er, yes, heavier than Kate Moss.
( thealternativefact, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 13:29, closed)

Guessing what clendrix looks like
I also immagine the hair to be straight for some reason.

Re test-toast: Is there a setting for this on your toaster?

Re location of b3ta house:
I'd prefer it if there were mountains nearby.
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 13:32, closed)

When it rains
I look like Kevin Keegan circa 1978.

So no, not straight. Not at all.
( thealternativefact, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 13:34, closed)

b3ta mansion
there'd have to be a decent surf beach nearby, preferably a point break :-)

sounds like my mental image of clendrix was about right too.

judging from the photos of the bash in london the other day, the only one who didn't really look how I thought was Kaol!
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 13:34, closed)

@clendrix
I don't want to guess how much heavier than Kate Moss, so I'll stop digging.

Although if you were lighter than her, I'd be worried. You could be twice her weight and still healthy.

@spakka - South sea islands can be mountainous. I'm basing this imaginary location on Rarotonga, which like many of its ilk has a nice pointy, jaggy volcanic peak in the middle. So no problem there.

Edit @vipros - Certainly, it would have a surf beach too. But I don't know about a point break. I thought that's what crap snooker players got...
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 13:34, closed)

Kate Moss
Yes, let's just leave it as 'heavier'. Sigh.

House - must also be near a park; assuming Kaol is going to live there, he must have somewhere to continue his tramp-related activites.
( thealternativefact, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 13:40, closed)

.
* Adjusts mental image of waking up to someone washing my puke-stained clothes in the sink to increase the curliness of the hair *

@K2k6: I suppose volcanoes could pass as mountains. Would juat have to make sure my mountain-hiking sessions did not co-incide with an eruption.
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 13:47, closed)

@ spakka
Well, you could always take spare pants in case of eruptions.

fnar fnar etc
(happylittletulip helpless and delicious, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 13:49, closed)

You're OK, spakka
The volcano's long since extinct. It's just a jagged, rocky peak now. So no unexpected eruptions, HLT.

And it has a sheer face for chickenlady, and a bike track to the top for the cyclists.

@clendrix - we need a photo now...!
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 13:52, closed)

can i bring my
edition of star wars risk?

I don't understand how to play it though.
(happylittletulip helpless and delicious, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 13:53, closed)

Nooooooooooooo!
Am hideous beyond belief.

I have 33 more days of anonymity.
( thealternativefact, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 13:54, closed)

yes, photo clendrix!
then we can tell you what we imagined you looked like, you can be offended and k2k6 can spend his afternoon grovelling to you as well.
(happylittletulip helpless and delicious, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 13:58, closed)

Star Wars? Risk?
those are two of my favourite things!

*partially wishes he wasn't telling the truth*
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 13:58, closed)

The thing is, HLT*
I've already said what I thought she looked like, and I have now ceased from my spadework, having learned from earlier!

And of course you can bring your Star Wars Risk with you (whatever the hell that is) so long as you also bring cake.

And I'll bring my shovel...

_{*I was going to be smart and refer to you as small, pleased and bulbous, then I realised the last one might not be so flattering. and given that I'm already on a sticky wicket...}
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 14:02, closed)

'noon all
how's ya doing?

Just catching up, let's see...

hlt - you're really pretty
K2k6 - you're digging your grave with every remark
ancrenne - if you're still around - waaaaaay haaaaaay, last daaaaaaaaaaay

everyone else - sorry, that's all the names I can recall
(TheWeeWitch hasn't been here much recently .., Mon 23 Jun 2008, 14:06, closed)

Ahhhhh
so you did. it's hard to keep up. sorry.

thank you for not referring to me as bulbous though. and yes I will bring cake.

Star Wars risk is hideously complex and despite numerous drunken attempts to understand I can't make head nor tail of it. so vipros it's yours for a tenner.

edit@WW - hello poppet, how's you? and thank you *blushes again*
(happylittletulip helpless and delicious, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 14:07, closed)

HLT's post caused me to have an oral eruption.
Or maybe if I didn't wear pants, my eruptions would just cover the peak of the volcano making it look like it was snowing.

EDIT: noon TWW
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 14:08, closed)

if only I had a spare tenner....
maybe this time next week when I'm rich and famous.

actually...I won a tenner on the lottery on saturday!
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 14:09, closed)

Bert
Why in the name of fuck didn't you just go to a neighbour and call a locksmith straight away?
( Madam Marlboro wonders if you've found her yet, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 14:09, closed)

Re: Lottery
My aunt recently won £500 on the lottery. That should cover the cost of buying lottery tickets so far.

EDIT: 'noon MM
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 14:11, closed)

I'm back
Nice lunch everyone?
( Cawl, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 14:13, closed)

Afternoon WW and MM
I'm heading for a nap as still feeling a bit dozy
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 14:14, closed)

@mr spak
that's really quite some eruption!
( thealternativefact, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 14:14, closed)

Hi Kaol
lovely lunch, thanks. Crisp brown roll with freshly made coleslaw. Nyom nyom. Followed by even yummier chocolate brownie.

*offers brownies around*
(TheWeeWitch hasn't been here much recently .., Mon 23 Jun 2008, 14:15, closed)

Afternoon TWW, Madam M
@TWW - I'm in a digging-a-hole sort of mood today. Everything I say seems to come out as an insult, without my realising it.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 14:15, closed)

@K2k6
go on then, what do I look like? Everyone else is being insulted, and I can't bear to be left out.

@MM - from what's not hidden behind the camera, you look how I'd pictured you.
(TheWeeWitch hasn't been here much recently .., Mon 23 Jun 2008, 14:17, closed)

I had cider
And beetroot for lunch.
T'was lovely!
( Cawl, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 14:17, closed)

Kaol
I hope you're going to wear clean jeans to work tomorrow. Those ones really are grim.
( thealternativefact, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 14:23, closed)

@TWW
Well, it's a wee bit easier with you, as you did post (briefly) a pic of yourself, albeit a very small one, without a head.

So I know you're about 5'0", very slim and slightly built. As for the bit above the neck, I'm guessing fair hair, which is quite long, tied back and (how can I say this?), erm, not fussed over.

I'm now worried that you'll hit me with your broomstick.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 14:25, closed)

Hi Kaol
Been eating bananas in front of my computer again.

@clendrix
Maybe that's why my oral eruption was so nice, coz it involved bananas.

EDIT: * Dive-hugs Ancrenne *
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 14:27, closed)

@K2k6
aaah, I'd forgotten about that photie. Slightly taller than 5 foot (not much, 3 inches or so) and the hair is dark (I think) but I've been colouring it for so long I can;t actually remember ...

as for the "hair not fussed with"? well, I'll take that as my insult. Monday to Friday, groomed to perfection. Saturday and Sunday, yanked back with one of the kids' hairbands. So more fussed with than not, on balance.

*readies broomstick*

ancrenne - *hugs* *squeezes*
(TheWeeWitch hasn't been here much recently .., Mon 23 Jun 2008, 14:31, closed)

@ancrenne
Mostly you've missed me making an arse of myself. It all started when I noticed HLT had posted a pic of herself...

wavy lines

...and now I've insulted loads of folk unwittingly, the latest being TWW.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 14:35, closed)

@ancrenne
K2k6 was digging himself a big hole, into which Kaol was attempting to pour concrete. hlt may have forgiven him, and I'm lining up to be insulted as well. We're also swapping lunch recipes I think.

Confused?

You will be.
(TheWeeWitch hasn't been here much recently .., Mon 23 Jun 2008, 14:36, closed)

What you missed
HLT put up a profile pic, and we all compared it to how we'd immagine her to look like. Then we started describing how we'd immagine other picless b3tans to look like.

EDIT: @TWW re confused: It's all in a day's worth of b3ta-ing.
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 14:36, closed)

@WW
in my head, you are about 5 feet tall with long black hair and green eyes. like a wee witch.

*ducks, in case of missiles*
(happylittletulip helpless and delicious, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 14:38, closed)

@TWW
I was reckoning on the hair thing being the other way round, as you wouldn't have proper grooming time during the week because of having to get the kids out to school.

But it appears I'm mistaken.

I wonder what ancrenne looks like....

*ponders*

*thinks better of it*
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 14:38, closed)

I haven't been insulted.
K2k6 imagined I'm heavier than Kate Moss. Clearly, to those people not needing a pic of me to know what I look like, this is true.

K2k6 - you can come and hide here if it all gets to be too much.
( thealternativefact, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 14:39, closed)

lunch recipes?
a cheese and spring onion sarnie from the bury of sains. it was rubbish and now I feel all self-conscious in case I tasted of onions when ancrenne snogged me just now.

and some diet coke which I tried to pretend was wine and failed to do.
(happylittletulip helpless and delicious, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 14:45, closed)

hlt
I always wanted black hair like my dad's, but got lumbered with my mum's boring reddy-brown instead. Boring brown eyes as well (although I do have fairly long eyelashes, which I take as a plus point)

K2k6 : I don't get the kids out to school, I start work at 7. So I get up very very early to ensure I look halfway presentable.

Oh, and I too am heavier than Kate Moss. Thank god.
(TheWeeWitch hasn't been here much recently .., Mon 23 Jun 2008, 14:50, closed)

I don't need a hole dug...
But can I play with the JCB? PLEEEEASE?

I have no idea how to describe myself. Hmm. Slightly rotund. Good arms though. Shaved head. Specs. Funny facial expressions. Small ears.

Crap. I sound like a Dali painting... :)
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 14:51, closed)

@ancrenne
I hope you've torn those adoption papers up young lady, else we're going to end up on the news.
(happylittletulip helpless and delicious, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 14:52, closed)

.
*watches news avidly*
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 14:53, closed)

@DiT
I wouldn't say rotund from that picture. Rotund is "built like Les Dawson" in my world.

*offers ancrenne more wine and a pickled onion, and a box of Mr Loreal's finest*

edit: the red in my hair is fading quite fast, and my daughter, who has gorgeous auburn hair, keeps nagging me to let her dye it dark brown. The child is mad.
(TheWeeWitch hasn't been here much recently .., Mon 23 Jun 2008, 14:53, closed)

I've put up a profile pic
but not shown what my hair looks like.
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 14:55, closed)

@spakka
nice smile!

*admires*
(happylittletulip helpless and delicious, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 14:56, closed)

* blushes *

( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 14:59, closed)

@spakka
nice smile! Can I point out, though, that broomsticks are so last century. Get yourself a nice flying vacuum cleaner instead ... like mine (I get commission)
(TheWeeWitch hasn't been here much recently .., Mon 23 Jun 2008, 15:00, closed)

ancrenne
It might be "only slightly effective henna", but your hair feels really nice, not like it's got full chemical burns...

EDIT: @ Clendrix - I'm not at work tomorrow, so I'll be wearing other clothes. I also won't be on b3ta.
As I'm moving house, and going to see Radiohead.
( Cawl, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 15:04, closed)

*gasps*
*checks hair for softness*

*resolves NOT to let Kaol touch hair at any future meeting, just in case*

*has hurt feelings (but no gray hairs)*
(TheWeeWitch hasn't been here much recently .., Mon 23 Jun 2008, 15:07, closed)

Aw, shucks, Ancrenne...
*scuffs foot on floor*

Fanks!

Also - Hullo TWW! *smooshes*
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 15:07, closed)

@ DiT
Quick, while your smooshing, check my hair. Soft, yeah? Not all nasty and straw like?

*is paranoid*
(TheWeeWitch hasn't been here much recently .., Mon 23 Jun 2008, 15:10, closed)

@DiT
I preferred your old profile pic!
(happylittletulip helpless and delicious, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 15:11, closed)

Ancrenne:
It's true *grins*

TWW:
I could judge for you, if you like?
( Cawl, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 15:11, closed)

@Kaol
can I check your pockets for knives (or other weapons) first?
(TheWeeWitch hasn't been here much recently .., Mon 23 Jun 2008, 15:13, closed)

It's not a weapon
It's a tool.

*allows a through patting-down*
( Cawl, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 15:14, closed)

not a weapon? heard that one before
*pats down thoroughly*

*notes how Kaol enjoys this, pats down again*

*allows Kaol to check hair for softness*

*resolves to sue conditioner manufacturer if test fails*
(TheWeeWitch hasn't been here much recently .., Mon 23 Jun 2008, 15:16, closed)

@TWW
It's lully and soft, and it smells nice too.

@ HLT - Fanks! I might change it back, but the pic of me on a playground plane is much more reflective of my personality!
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 15:16, closed)

DiT
HLT is right - your old profile pic was so cute!
( thealternativefact, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 15:17, closed)

@ DiT
aw, fanks

*blushes*

*is reassured*
(TheWeeWitch hasn't been here much recently .., Mon 23 Jun 2008, 15:18, closed)

You poor fucker
I know the conversational thread has veered off somewhat, but jeez - that's an ordeal and a half.

Why do I feel slightly responsible..?
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Mon 23 Jun 2008, 17:19, closed)