Never talk back to a man holding a swab
This is my first ever pearoast. I feel like I've arrived.

Last year I decided (or, more accurately, was told) to get myself a full-blown sexual health check for the first time ever. Yes I know it's a bit shit waiting 30 years to ensure that your bollocks aren't a breeding ground for horrific parasites capable of causing untold agony to those they are inflicted upon - imagine finding out that you've been housing Piers Morgan in your jangly danglers - but I've hardly been distributing the Foxtrot mojo far and wide during my time on this earth. And I've heard what goes on in those sex check-ups, and frankly I was scared.

I swear the waiting room at the hospital is designed to be like a mental chamber of horrors for anyone waiting to discover if they'll ever go bareback again. Everywhere you look there's an "educational" pamphlet about one of the many horrific diseases you've probably got, you disgusting boy. The only other reading material available was Men's Health, as if I didn't feel insecure enough already.

Eventually the Doctor beckons me through and we start compiling a sexual history for me. Because what I'm about to have done isn't humiliating enough. I'm doing OK - this appears to be the only situation where it's alright to tell another bloke that not many women have seen fit to fuck you - when he drops an unexpected bombshell, although by definition I think most bombshells are unexpected, otherwise they're just... bombs? Shells? Answers on a postcard. Or in the replies. That makes more sense.

"Have you ever had a sexual experience with a man?"

Ah. Well, yes. When I was 22 I may have indulged eversoslightly in what could politely be termed a great big drug-fuelled seven-person orgy. And this being part of my experimental phase, there was a bit of man-on-man action going on. I mention this and the medical professional looks at me like I've just ritually slaughtered his firstborn. This upsets me.

My doctor was late 50's/early 60's and of Indian origin, judging by his accent. He may have personal, moral or religious objections to homosexuality. Frankly, I don't give a shit, homophobia is completely unacceptable in my opinion and he's a bloody doctor - he's not supposed to judge me unless I've strolled into A&E with cocaine falling out of my nostrils, clutching a plastic bag full of severed heads and complaining of a nosebleed, accelerated heartbeat and hallucinations.

He asks if I'm bisexual, visibly disgusted by the concept. Bridling, I reply that I don't count myself as such because I haven't had any sexual contact with a man in several years, and I would have thought that was obvious from the sexual history we've just been compiling.

I am slightly worried by the glint in his eye as he beckons me into the next room and invites me to sit down.

First of all, he explains, he needs to swab my throat. This wouldn't be necessary if I wasn't a filthy bumboy, he fails to add but is obviously thinking. Next comes the part I was dreading until my righteous indignation diverted my mind from the horrific prospect of having a swab rammed down my jap's eye - namely, the horrific prospect of having a swab rammed down my jap's eye.

At this point, I am regretting giving the doctor any lip. As it were.

Thankfully, homophobic or otherwise he is professional enough not to force my cock to deep throat a swab. It was a bit rubbish, as I'm sure many of you know, but at least it was over quickly. Job done. Let's go home and drink beer and eat meat and watch Top Gear until I feel masculated again.

"If you could roll over onto your side Mr Foxtrot, I just need to get an anal swab"

I ask you, is there a worse sentence in the English language? That even beats out "Oasis have reformed" for sheer, unbridled horror. I begin to protest that I've never had anal sex (I actually haven't, well, not as a receiver anyway) but from his point of view I'm already a disgusting pervert, "compulsive liar" isn't a huge assumptive leap and he's just doing his job... Resigned to my fate I await the first ever invasion of my trademan's entrance by another man. Trying to alleviate my tension far enough to get the damn thing into my understandably puckered chutney chute, he jokes that I ought to enjoy this.

Hubris aside, with hindsight my response was a phenomenally dumb thing to say to prejudiced doctor with a swab in his hand.

"You'll need three fingers for me to enjoy it, darling"

Length? Really?
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 30 Jul 2010, 8:57, 12 replies)

I chuckled at "anal swab"
but laughed openly at "three fingers"! have a click you filthy boy!
(Monkeystrumpet monkey. Monkey, MONKEY!!!, Fri 30 Jul 2010, 9:23, closed)

Had an African
Woman who had exactly the same customer services skills. She asked me to pull back the foreskin and the look on her face was a mixture of disgust and fear.....Strange because the old boy had a buff finish without a spec of cheese in sight...Which leads me to think how you get to work there as a doctor, is it a punishment? Anyways liked your story but was it a pearoast, I am sure I've heard bits of it before?
(bROKEN aRROW PUA HVI Master, Fri 30 Jul 2010, 10:14, closed)

Yeah tis
See the first line
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 30 Jul 2010, 13:23, closed)

Oops sry
Didn't sleep well last night
(bROKEN aRROW PUA HVI Master, Fri 30 Jul 2010, 16:34, closed)

oh, man.
if you didn't repeatedly allude to you once having done it with a man (how many years ago now?), i'd never, ever know you once experimented, sexually.
( janet aylia y'all motherfuckers need jesus, Fri 30 Jul 2010, 10:47, closed)

a splendid tale and well told too.
have a click.
( blaireau69 , the Cumbrian Travis Bickle., Fri 30 Jul 2010, 11:37, closed)

Oasis have reformed?
(Shudders)
(stuntsmile, Fri 30 Jul 2010, 12:12, closed)

DON'T SAY THE ACTUAL WORDS
Also, no, thank fuck
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 30 Jul 2010, 13:23, closed)

So you ARE a bumder!
_{Sorry, couldn't resist...}
(LongJohnBaldry, Tue 3 Aug 2010, 13:30, closed)

Pfft
couldn't didn't even try one tiny little bit to
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 3 Aug 2010, 14:47, closed)

I'm breaking my rule of non-posting by doing this...
...and if it's in the wrong place I'll cry, but I must say, that it made my day reading this :)
(Mileindra, Tue 3 Aug 2010, 15:04, closed)

Hurrah, it seems to have worked. I am not entirely made of fail today.
(Mileindra, Tue 3 Aug 2010, 15:07, closed)