Pea from the Doctors/Nurses/NHS whinge QOTW
Not my ouch, but anyway...

When I met my (wonderful, love of my life, should have told the story in the Flirting QOTW) boy all was well in bed. Better than well. Awesome. Except for one thing. I'm not an expert on the male anatomy, but you know the bit that's meant to be able to go back and forth? It just... didn't. Occasionally it would go back, but getting it to go forth again was difficult. Very difficult. And red. And sore.

Combined with my concern for my dearest beloved and the continuation of his sexing abilities, I didn't really fancy having to deal with blood and viscera should it ever happen to explode. This looked likely on occasion. So, after much cajoling I got him to go see the doctor.

Doctor's response? Bang, no sympathy, booking you in for a circumcision, put your trousers back on.

Cue much worrying (over Xmas) and anxiety and buying of DVDs for the inevitable week of housebound-ness (BattleStar Galactica SE1-4, watched it all in three weeks). The day rolls round. Had to wait a bit, but nothing you don't expect for the NHS, and annoyingly, they wouldn't let me in to wait with him or hear any of the post-op instructions. Did see older couples going in to day surgery together, perhaps they thought my youth meant I'd start stealing drugs and graffitying the screens.

So anyway, he comes limping out, looking a bit green, and we decide he'll get a taxi home while I walk, giving me the chance to pick up some painkillers - yup, they don't give you anything, even if you beg for morphine.

I get in the door about 10 minutes later to the worst thing I have ever seen.

I don't know if anyone here (barring doctors and nurses) has seen a newly circumcised penis before - even if you've had it done, you're told to leave it bandaged for 3 days so unless you're bizarrely fascinated by the sight of your own cock covered in blood, swollen to three times its girth, with stitches all around the head, I doubt many people will have witnessed this. It was horrendous.

The bandage, the amazing techno bandage we were told would last three days had come off in the taxi. The nurse hadn't taken the plastic off the side that sticks to the wadding. Tool. Luckily, he'd be skeptical enough about the three-day rule (as in "erm, how am I meant to piss?") to get them to give him spare kit, but we were still faced with the oozing, enormous (in a bad way) cock to deal with and no idea how to get the bandages to work.

Cue 10 minutes of practice which, if they were bad for me, must have been 40 times worse for him. Every touch is murder, and I'm mangling away with sticky bandages and tape. Didn't help he'd failed to trim his (luxuriant) pubes - ever accidentally anchored your penis to your body, tip facing up, by catching a pube in tape, then standing up? The force of gravity either rips the pube out or pulls the tape off. Either way, bonus pain to add to your experience.

I don't want to be too down on the NHS but the complete lack of advice and post-op support (phone line was always busy and didn't work weekends so we had to go to A&E when he popped a stitch, who were great) was just unnecessary. It would hardly cost any more to have provided us with a leaflet, let me ask some questions, and to put the fucking bandage on properly in the first place.

We call it the week of the Frankenpenis.
(bolshevette, Fri 30 Jul 2010, 14:29, 3 replies)

Yes it hurts, No they don't give out much info on how to tend your poor torn up manhood
I had mine done about 5 years ago, when I was 40. It had been bothering me for ages and I took the plunge and got the GP to refer me to the knob doctor. One op later, and I emerged from post-op fug and was allowed to call my wife to take me home. I was asked if I could urinate, i tried and it worked. Then Nursey just handed me some dressings and said "there you are love, just wrap him up with that and be careful for a few days"!

I have to say that the sight of a freshly butchered spam javelin is not one of the most pleasant I have encountered, even less so as it was my own. Indeed I did wonder if it would ever get back to normal size/colour/proportions.

Worst pain was accidentally copping a stiffy whilst the stitches were still in. Wince.

Best time was first game of hide the sausage (post-op) with Mrs Splurgle, felt like I was 13 again and just discovered wanking for the first time.
(urgle-splurgle molesting small goats since, Fri 30 Jul 2010, 15:11, closed)

I don't like this...
But considering it actually hurt to read, it got a well deserved click....
(El_diablo_blanco, Fri 30 Jul 2010, 15:21, closed)

I've had such a thing done,
it was not pleasant and the above describes what it was like. After a few days although it still hurt it wasn't so bad, it was just boring sitting around not doing much for two weeks.

I thought the certificate exaggerated when it said two weeks off work, it did not. They didn't give any advice about how long it would take to get better or anything at all really but maybe I should have asked.

The staff were all brilliant really, it would've been nice if someone had said "It will feel like there are painful staples inside your willy that hurt whenever you move, but this will slowly wear off.".
(viciousal, Fri 30 Jul 2010, 15:41, closed)