Charles
Charles fell in love with me. He had hardly spoken to me; he’d seen me ‘round the school and liked the cut of my hammer pants. I ignored his attempts at sparkling pickup lines, he smelled of bumholes, wee and old hair, and I had a certain degree of NKOTB loving coolness to uphold. Nonetheless, his love could not be contained and, just before my gym lesson in the 6th grade, he proposed. He got on one knee in front of the drinking fountain, gazed straight into my eyes and gave me a ring. The bell buzzed and I ran away, lucky to breath because, bloody hell, he did smell like a barnyard.

Never before had I so eagerly entered that gym class. I changed into my blue polyester shorts and attractive white t-shirt, then bounded into the gym. But wait. Charles was standing there. What was Charles doing there? He wasn’t going to tell my friends, was he? Oh God, don’t say anything in front of the cool girls, ‘cause that would be, like, TOTALLY embarrassing.

No, Charles set about badly breakdancing, sans music. He tried to uprock and backspring his way into my heart. He flailed and spun around the gym as word alighted through the school that there was an embarrassing life-changing spectacle to be had. Children of all ages came to see Charles dance for my hand in marriage. They gave him a beat; they started clapping. I tried to run into the changing rooms but was blocked by Joe and Evan (I still hate you guys) and a swarm of cackling girls pushed me in the direction of my paramour. He twirled, he jumped, then he landed a kiss on my lips and a tongue in my mouth.

And the entire gym broke out laughing. Charles became the hero. I became the girl who kissed the boy who smelled of toilets IN FRONT OF THE WHOLE SCHOOL.

That was also the story of my first kiss. If you like this story, one day I’ll tell you all about how I lost my virginity.
(TheSnark oh, c'mon, like you didn't see me coming, Mon 23 Nov 2009, 16:11, 23 replies)

DO YOU HAVE BREASTS?!

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Mon 23 Nov 2009, 16:19, closed)

Honestly?
I hardly think they count.
(TheSnark oh, c'mon, like you didn't see me coming, Mon 23 Nov 2009, 16:21, closed)

Nonononono, this is VERY important.

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Mon 23 Nov 2009, 16:38, closed)

Yes.
In fact, I own tens of bras. Literally, tens.
(TheSnark oh, c'mon, like you didn't see me coming, Mon 23 Nov 2009, 16:47, closed)

Oh man.
Are they pert?
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Mon 23 Nov 2009, 16:50, closed)

The bras?
They have wires in them, so yes.
(TheSnark oh, c'mon, like you didn't see me coming, Mon 23 Nov 2009, 16:51, closed)

Oh man.
You're CLEARLY A GIRL THEN.

I reckon if you posted a story about how you and your PERT BREASTS lost your virginity, you'd probably get fuckloads of attention.
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Mon 23 Nov 2009, 16:53, closed)

...
OMG, ur rt!

I am missing out on attention from boys on the internet! How else am I going to seek self-affirmation unless somebody glides one off to the thought of my nipples?

I guess I'm going to have to carry on crying myself to sleep, then.
(TheSnark oh, c'mon, like you didn't see me coming, Mon 23 Nov 2009, 16:57, closed)

FINE, YOU'RE NOT GETTING ANY CLICKS FROM ME THEN

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Mon 23 Nov 2009, 16:59, closed)

I lost...
...my virginity to a Swede.

(There. I set you up for a joke. Run with it.)
(TheSnark oh, c'mon, like you didn't see me coming, Mon 23 Nov 2009, 17:00, closed)

Borky Bonky Bonky Bork Bork Bonk?

( Edd: The Unfunny Try-Hard Edgelord, Mon 23 Nov 2009, 17:06, closed)

Actually
It was more borky bork.
(TheSnark oh, c'mon, like you didn't see me coming, Mon 23 Nov 2009, 17:08, closed)

Bwa!
perfect reply!
(TDub Nunc id vides, nunc ne vides on, Mon 23 Nov 2009, 17:40, closed)

be careful
IT'S A TRAP!
( Michael Ellis contributes nothing, Mon 23 Nov 2009, 16:50, closed)

That wasn't you.
That was the girl from High School Musical.
( Edd: The Unfunny Try-Hard Edgelord, Mon 23 Nov 2009, 16:46, closed)

Wait a sec... Joe?
As in THE Joe? The kung-fu nonce-beating badass? Wow!
( Edd: The Unfunny Try-Hard Edgelord, Mon 23 Nov 2009, 16:49, closed)

You're right. I'm totally confused.
Usually I just get myself all confused with Steve McQueen in Bullitt.
(TheSnark oh, c'mon, like you didn't see me coming, Mon 23 Nov 2009, 16:50, closed)

well
I clicked.
( rofl harris, Mon 23 Nov 2009, 17:14, closed)

I WANT TO HEAR HOW HER PRT BREASTS WERE FONDLED FOR THE FIRST TIME TOO

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Mon 23 Nov 2009, 17:21, closed)

No.
My SPR NRKS have to place here.
(TheSnark oh, c'mon, like you didn't see me coming, Mon 23 Nov 2009, 17:50, closed)

Doesn't look like you're getting naughty stepped.
Too bad.
(TheColonel, Tue 24 Nov 2009, 13:23, closed)

Hammer Pants, NKOTB, Blue Polyestrer Shorts, Shagging Swedes, A crowd of teenage youths beat boxing to your shame...... now I remeber why I miss school, honestly though you should have cut Charles down before he had the opportunity to develop lustful imaginings about you.
(TwinkleFuckingToes Has a ingrown toe nail, Tue 24 Nov 2009, 16:41, closed)

What can I say?
I'd do anything for some fresh new hand jewels, even hanging out with Charles on the monkey bars.
(TheSnark oh, c'mon, like you didn't see me coming, Tue 24 Nov 2009, 19:46, closed)