McDonald's
Ok here goes....My name's Phil and I work in McDonald's. There I said it.

Actually despite the stereotype of employing dull fuckwits it's not a bad job. In the store I work there's about 60 staff and only about 10 are absolute head-fucked idiots.

If you're 16-17 the pay's shocking...£3.40 start off with a pay rise every year of about 9 pence. If you make it over the 18 mark then you get paid minimum wage which isn't the best, but with it increasing every year ten it's not too bad.

My pet peeves of working there are...

1. Idiot staff. I know my job pretty well. I've been there about 18 months. There is one specific staff member who is a complete window-licker. He's been there over 10 years now and acts like he knows it all but doesn't have a fucking clue. He's 37 and is shaggin a 22 year old from there who is also an equal fuckwit a n d s h e s p e a k s veeeerrryyy slooowwwlllyyy.

2. Customers. I'm a very happy positive person. Myself and several other staff go out of our way for customers. The usual opening doors, smiling, ensuring that their order is correct and generally being happy people. Therefore please do not:

a) Treat me like I have no brain. I went to college and got pretty good qualifications. I am also a trainee manager so I know my shit.

b) Plain means plain. Nothing on it. I get it! Just say plain. If they get your order wrong everytime then I apologise...but I didn't serve you so don't blame me. If you ask for a plain hamburger with cheese then the word is 'Plain Cheeseburger'. Look at the menu.

c) Don't spend ten minutes looking at the menu and then order a Whopper. That is Burger King and we are not.

d) Same applies to Popcorn Chicken. KFC is 5 minutes up the road so if you want that then go there. I will happily serve you chicken nuggets/chicken sandwich/chicken legend e.t.c.

e) OK I won't spit/spunk/vomit in your burger. All you have to do is ask! (Just for reference we don't do any of the above due to strict disiplinary procedures (Getting fired) and the amazing recording equipment (Camera) pointing right at the dressing table where we prepare the food. And the fact that we are not gorillas. We wash our hands every half hour on front counter and every 15 minutes in kitchen. Obviously we wash them more if we touch bins or anything dirty. We aren't pigs.

f) If by any chance you do find a hair in your burger, the it is a hair from someone's head and not from someone's genitalia. For fuck's sake you can see through into the kitchen. Can you see anyone walking naked? Didn't think so. And there's lots of hot stuff in there so I don't think anyone would if they could. It is disgusting, and staff with long hair are urged to wear hairnets so we are not all moulting into food. It happens rarely and I find it just as stomach turning as you.

g) If by any chance we got your order wrong then we are sorry! It was a genuine mistake. Have you ever made a mistake? It happens man...

h) DON'T in any circumstances place the note in your mouth while you count the change in your pocket and then hand us the soggy end. You will have to wait longer while we wash whatever your mouth has been around off our hands. Would you lick your hand before shaking someone elses?

i) Don't tell us how to do our job. As I said, there are some fuck-wits but the majority of us are normal. We are trained in how to do things.

End of customer rant.

3) Lazy managers. They will stand there and watch you serve, try and stock up and clean. And then shout when things aren't getting done fast enough. And then shout even more when we run out of stock because we are doing something they should be. It's their job to make sure we're doin our jobs, but helping isn't a hard thing, especially if you can see we are struggling to do 6 things at once.

4) Littering cunts. You do know, as the signs indicate, that there is a fine for dropping litter? We can phone the police with your number plates and they will issue a fine. Especially if you have to drive past a bin before leaving.

5) Lazy parents. McDonald's is a kid friendly place. BUT we don't appreciate telling you to not let your children stand on tables and run around. A couple last week were letting their son run riot. Just sat there watching him run rings around the dining area. Then he ran into the corner of a table and they blamed us! Lots of blood, snot, screaming and shouting.
( sausagesucker just paid £5.00 for a cup of Tea!, Sun 4 May 2008, 13:09, 5 replies)

'OK I won't spit/spunk/vomit in your burger. All you have to do is ask!'
Asides from the fact that this statement appears to say we have to ask to not get spit/spunk/vomit in our burger, I'm afraid I love the idea of someone attempting to subtley quickly cum into a burger they're serving to someone, I mean, I would laugh my head off if anyone actually tried to do this.

Also, I think someone might notice.

I'm sorry, maybe I'm sick, but now I just have this image in my mind of the server ducking below the counter for a few moments and hearing the unmistakable sounds of the vinegar strokes before they pop up red faced and breathless with a burger in their hand and say 'Would you like fries with that?', hahaha!
( ..wil, Sun 4 May 2008, 13:24, closed)

I seem to have a picture
of a guy in McDonalds uniform looking like Hendrix on the high notes with his cock in a bun

I love that description of cum-face by the way
(magic the cat will someone please think of the kittens, Sun 4 May 2008, 13:27, closed)

I hate
Being spoken down to by customers that think I am stupid because I work in a convenience store.

I think that we are more intelligent than a lot of them - especially a lot of McD's patrons! :D
(Dregen, Mon 5 May 2008, 1:29, closed)

@Dregen
That's true. But even if they look like dipshits I wouldn't speak down to anyone. McD's employs a lot of people who are in colege and need a part time job. Even in my store there are some Uni people who work weekends. Even though they are part time they still probably have more intelligence than half the customers who walk through the door.
( sausagesucker just paid £5.00 for a cup of Tea!, Mon 5 May 2008, 17:06, closed)

i know the rules say you have to wash your hands
every half hour, but i can tell you right now that not all branches enforce this rule. myt ex works at macdonald's, he's one of the laziest, dirtiest fuckers i've ever known. i literally had to force that scumbag to get a bath. i KNOW he doesn't wash his hands every half an hour. if he can get away with not washing them after he's been for a piss, he will.
the other staff try to catch him out so they can get him fired.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Tue 6 May 2008, 23:09, closed)