Being unpaid tech support for people I don't even know
Now most people who know me know I'm a pretty IT-literate guy. I've worked for several big names in IT, and at the moment I run all the IT for my company (there's only 5 of us), everything from fixing recalcitrant laptops to database maintenance, and, of course, helping my colleagues out when they have trouble.

Now even though my colleagues can be annoying (especially my boss, who has a degree in computer science but is incapable of remembering his network password), I don't mind fixing stuff for them because it's in my job description and I'm paid to do it.

However, word has got round that I'm some kind of computer guru (not really), and also that I'll fix any kind of computer problem, no matter how trivial (or impossible) over the phone any time of the day or night at the drop of a hat. I foolishly fixed a few things without complaint, and now people take this for granted.

My brother, for instance, who is by no means a noob:

Him: I got a new anti-virus program.
Me: Good for you.
Him: How do I install it?
Me: My guess would be to stick the CD in the drive and press 'install'.
Him: Can you do it?
Me: I'M NOT DRIVING ALL THE WAY FROM LONDON TO LEICESTER TO PRESS 'OK' FOR YOU YOU LAZY CUNTWHISTLE!
Him: There's no need to be angry...

My mother is the worst. She's for more IT-savvy than most 56-year-olds, but that just means that she can make a bigger mess of things than someone who hasn't even *heard* of the Windows registry. Worse still, she's been transferring these "skills" to her friends. When they break something, they call my mum. And then my mum calls me.

Picture the scene. It's 9pm after the work day from hell. I only just got in after spending all day dealing with massive IT issues (it's not even the main part of my job desc), email server breakdown, Skype outage, dead wireless router, and I'm kicking back with a beer, ready to relax, when the phone rings:

Mum: Hello Jim, I'm at [old crone]'s house and we're having trouble with her email.
Me: Aaaaaargh!!

Anyway, it turns out the old crumbly's still on dialup and someone's sent her a 10Mb attachment that is crashing her modem drivers when it tries to download.

Me: Does she have webmail? She could delete the message from there.
[pause]
Mum: What's webmail?
Me: Aaaaargh!

[explanation of what webmail is]

Mum: Could you set it up for her?
Me: No. She'll have to call her ISP.
Mum: What's an ISP?

[explanation of what an ISP is. We establish she's with BT.]

Mum: Can you call them for her?
Me: No! I'm not impersonating an old woman over the phone for something I have nothing to do with.
Mum: But she's 83. She doesn't know her account number or anything.
Me: How am I supposed to help with that?
Mum: Why are you being so difficult?
Me [losing it] BECAUSE I'VE BEEN FIXING COMPUTERS ALL BLOODY DAY AND NEARLY DIED OF STRESS! I'M NOT BEING PAID AND I DON'T EVEN KNOW THIS WOMAN! YOU INTERRUPTED THE ONE HOUR OF FREE TIME I'M GOING TO GET TODAY, AND YOU DIDN'T EVEN SAY PLEASE OR THANK YOU AT ANY POINT! THE AMOUNT OF TECH SUPPORT I JUST GAVE YOU WOULD HAVE COST YOU TWENTY QUID IF YOU DID IT OVER THE PHONE! IF SHE CAN'T HANDLE CALLING BT MAYBE SHE SHOULDN'T OWN A COMPUTER!
Mum: Oh.

The limit was reached last month, when I had to fix a corrupted video driver on a PC belonging to Axewoman's aunt:

Who lives in Germany.
Who barely speaks English.
Whose computer has Windows ME.
Installed in German.

Three hours. Three precious hours of my life, translating, trying to remember what the menus in Windows ME look like then what they might say in German, a language I can barely order a beer in. To a woman in her 60's who has trouble holding the mouse the right way up. Totally unpaid, without any thanks.

Well, here's a message to you, you cunts. I'm charging five pounds an hour for tech support for members of my immediate family, ten pounds an hour for acquaintances, and fifteen pounds an hour to help people I don't know. Plus an extra flat fee of £10 as a "lazy tax" if it's something they could have easily fixed themselves. That'll make them think twice before trying to get hardware/software support for free just because they happen to know me.

But here's some tech advice I am prepared to give out for free:
1 - try rebooting it.
2 - if that doesn't work, shove it up your arse.
(Axeman Jim, Tue 6 May 2008, 18:25, 6 replies)

I feel your pain!
And might I add when work colleagues pop in the office lugging a hulking great TIME PC from home because its running slow and they just "knew" you wouldn't mind sorting it out.
Just Fuck Off!
( Fetid Mimsy Bouncing Back!, Tue 6 May 2008, 18:41, closed)

Argh
My dad's a comp tech, and since a very young age he's instilled in me all kinds of hardware and software wizardry.
I now realise he was grooming me so that he could pass off all the PC woes of his old friends and pub buddies (so, so many of them) to the next generation.
On the plus side they're mostly decent types, and offer payment which I graciously refuse, and then get paid in delicious Ale or similar anyway.
So it's not so bad.
(Sundayturkey has the biggest mug of tea, Tue 6 May 2008, 18:53, closed)

...
I simply lie.

"I don't know, sorry."

I'd rather them think I'm thick.

...I guess you can't do that. Your reputation precedes you.

By the way, my BT Home Hub freezes up on occasion...usually when it's under heavy use. I have to unplug it and plug it back in again...do you think it could be a problem with port forwarding?

Email me with an answer if you like...I'm off down the pub, I'll catch it later.

Cheers!
(oneltrchardonnay, Tue 6 May 2008, 19:21, closed)

I empathise
Several years ago, I helped my dad set up his computer. Little did I know that when I decided to assist him, I was also signing up for a lifetime of unlimited support - not just for him, but for his friends too.

Have a click.
(EuroSong I love horse meat: best of all the animals, Tue 6 May 2008, 20:09, closed)

@oneltrchardonnay,
May I respectfully point you to the very valuable advice at the end of my original post. I think that will solve your problem. That'll be £25 please.
(Axeman Jim, Tue 6 May 2008, 21:36, closed)

Hell YEAH!
I totally agree.

I suffer from being an I.T. Support to people inside and outside of work, and immediate family.

There is nothing worse when they won't learn anything. I have learnt things the hard way, trial and tribulation, and it's a long and sometimes painful process (e.g. having a catastrophic hard drive crash). I just hate the way they expect you to be at their beck and call as if it's a god given right.

And I have a dumb ass work colleague that calls me "hacker" all because I know what I am doing with a PC. A mate of mine wants people to have "PC licences" and to pass a test to own one as he is that sick of people not knowing what they are doing.

It's the "appliance user" that's the problem. They think they just plug a fucking PC and Modem into the mains and off you go, as if it was a toaster or something. NOT SO! It needs anti virus, firewall, anti spyware programs, defragmenting hard drive (if you run Windows), and so on and so forth.

I know one poor sod that went as far as selling his PC, quitting his computer course, and having nothing to do with computers ever again due to constant persecution from family members for "I.T. Support".

Death to these time bandit arseholes!
(Panteneman Isn't entirely sure why he bothered on, Wed 7 May 2008, 15:43, closed)