Hiccups
.
All my life I've been prone to bouts of hiccups, usually at inconvenient moments. The best way to stop them, for me anyway, is to inflate my lungs to full capacity and crunch myself into a little ball, thus preventing the diaphragm from doing its little spazzy dance.

One of my colleagues, a big believer in "old wives' tales" will ask, every single time, without fail,

"Ooooh hiccups, who's been eating sugar, then?"

In the kind of tone one uses to the very young and/or the very stupid.

Hiccups are random muscle spasms in the diaphragm, they're not caused by eating sugar. I don't eat sugar (well, that is to say I don't eat it off a spoon, I'm well aware that many foods contain sugars, naturally or otherwise - before the pedants point it out). In fact I don't even take sugar in tea or coffee.

Which I tell her, every single bloody time. Does she listen? Does she buggery fuck!

I keep meaning to pick up some sugar sachets from our canteen with the intention of waiting until the next incident and then removing them from my drawer and putting them in the bin with a mournful expression.

Anyone got any better ideas? Bear in mind that company policy expressly forbids the use of violence. If I'm going to get sacked, I'd rather it was for belting someone more important.
(TheWeeWitch hasn't been here much recently .., Tue 6 May 2008, 18:25, 9 replies)

They are being rude, so be rude back...
As rude as you get away with in your office without being sacked. I tried it the other day on a similar joker, worked a treat.

Take the low road :)
(Reverend Samson Fapohunda B3tan, B3tan, B3tan, B3tan, Tue 6 May 2008, 18:35, closed)

This won't help and you'll probably hate me for this, but I never ever get hiccups,
and haven't since I was a very small child.

I have no idea why, but obviously to me this makes them a complete mystery to me and I'm always a bit lost when people get them. I really don't know what is the correct way to react, as I just haven't the experience to empathise.

It is rather difficult at times I'm afraid, particularly as a mate of mine is prone to them, and is also a huge hairy tattooed biker for whom his image and the respect it normally instills is rather important to him, and unfortunately he hiccups like a stepped-on hamster, so it is bloody hard not to laugh.

That I'm still alive should tip you onto the fact that thus far I have not, though...
( ..wil, Tue 6 May 2008, 18:44, closed)

Thanks
@Operating B3tan: this woman has a hind like a rhino, sarcasm and rudeness just bounce right off.

@Wil: laughing I could cope with. It is pretty funny. Stupid old wives' tales piss me off more.
(TheWeeWitch hasn't been here much recently .., Tue 6 May 2008, 18:47, closed)

Smile sweetly
and say "No, I've been sucking your husband's cock. And he loved it."

That'll shut her up.
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Tue 6 May 2008, 19:00, closed)

Freak her out
If it was me, I'd sit with a mouth full of the stuff (secretly) and when she smirks "oooh, who's been eating the su-"

That would be when I would lock eyes with her and slowly open my mouth, allowing sugar to run from it, while groping at my neck, rolling about in my chair, making tortured noises.
(oneltrchardonnay, Tue 6 May 2008, 19:15, closed)

I thought
eating sugar was supposed to cure the hiccups, not cause them.

Another cure that really does work: get someone to stand behind you and hold your ears closed (a finger in each ear, as though you don't want to hear something) while you drink a pint of water. I have no idea why that works, but it does, without fail.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Tue 6 May 2008, 19:30, closed)

The resident loon is right
although even better is to stick your OWN fingers in your ears and drink a glass of water.

As to the colleague? Report her to HR to racism. Just say you heard her say something inappropriate. PROBLEM SOLVED!
( my_cat_has_no_shoes meh meh meh MEH MEH, Tue 6 May 2008, 19:49, closed)

Tricky one but try this...
I find a spoonful of vinegar help the metronome go down :)
(swampi thought of this, Tue 6 May 2008, 21:44, closed)

maybe
Look terribly ashamed and tell her the spasms have caused you to soil yourself, and ask if she would mind helping you clean yourself up.

She probably wont comment again.
( enoughblueskyforsailorstrousers, Wed 7 May 2008, 12:07, closed)