I was a clown once, for about a minute.
'd been very excited when I heard there was a circus coming to town. I'd seen them on telly, and there were lions and elephants daring young men on the flying trapeze and all sorts. Before internet pornography, circusses were just the best fucking things in the world. On telly. Provincial northern touring circuses, on the other hand, were basically a magician and a clown.

So we're watching these two clowns being about as funny as getting chewing gum stuck in your arse hair, when they ask for a volunteer from the audience to help them with their next bit. This was my chance for fame! Maybe I'd be a big hit, and they'd take me on the road with them, and turn me into an elephant so no one would ever bully me again and they'd finally have an act worth watching! This is it! I raised my hand, as did eveyone else because raising their hand was probably the most fun they were going to have all day. But they picked me! Yes, me! I think I must have been wearing my magic Dick Turpin T-shirt that day.

I walked up onto the stage and Clown Boss told me I'd be helping with a simple trick. I liked Clown Boss – he smelled a bit like my dad did when he came home from the snooker club. Except stronger. Clown Boss must have loved snooker. All I had to do, he whisp-slurred in my ear, was sit on this dining chair, and wait for him to hit me on the back of the head with a rolled-up newspaper. When that happened, all I had to do was perform a forward roll head-first off the chair, onto the stage and over to Underclown, who would help me up. That was all.

Reader, I shat myself. I was 7, on stage in front of a load of people, I'd never been to a circus before and I was terrible at normal ground-level forward rolls, let alone diving off dining chairs and THWACK! The impact of the newspaper practically did the forward roll for me, propelling my head towards the ground. I rolled, probably as a survival instinct, and Underclown pulled me onto my feet. The whole routine went off without a hitch, and the audience applauded no more half-heartedly than they'd clapped anything else that afternoon. As a reward for not having my stupid neck broken by child abusing clowns, I was given a goodie bag of crap non-brand sweets and a colouring book with pictures of polar bears chasing ghosts around an ivory tower. It remains the best day off my life.
(electricteeth, Tue 23 Aug 2011, 19:01, 4 replies)

so your story is that you have had a long happy and fullfilling life then?

( fluffybunnykiller Is feasting on the clitoris of life, Tue 23 Aug 2011, 19:52, closed)

Haha.
Last sentence gets a click from me.
( 4Q just lurking, Tue 23 Aug 2011, 22:21, closed)

Beautifully written
I'm entertained.
(Juan Quar is clinging to her front teeth on, Wed 24 Aug 2011, 9:02, closed)

Thank you
I was wearing my magic Dick Turpin T-shirt when I wrote it.
(electricteeth, Wed 24 Aug 2011, 14:30, closed)