I have a phobia...
That I'm going to innocently meet a guy on the interweb and we'll go out, have fun, get laid and I'll then discover it's Bertmonkeysex or his evil twin in disguise. *shudders*



*shudders some more*
( girlinthehole, Mon 14 Apr 2008, 10:49, 102 replies)

Oi!
*disguises*
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 14 Apr 2008, 10:49, closed)

It's ok,
I know how you can get around that.
I can tell you, but it'll cost you.
( Cawl, Mon 14 Apr 2008, 10:50, closed)

if you're going to innocently meet them on teh Interweb
then that probably rules out b3ta...
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Mon 14 Apr 2008, 10:50, closed)

Double oi!



*shrugs* I have to admit, you've got a point though...

*puts the goat down*
(tiger blood and Adonis DNA, Mon 14 Apr 2008, 10:50, closed)

I'm sorry!
But it keeps me awake at night. I demand you post pictures of yourselves and then I can rest easy.
( girlinthehole, Mon 14 Apr 2008, 10:52, closed)

@BGB
But I'm SHY!
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 14 Apr 2008, 10:55, closed)

Haha!
I heard you're hairier than the Wolfman.
( Cawl, Mon 14 Apr 2008, 10:56, closed)

@Kaol
This is true, I do wax, shave and pluck very often however.

I'm only hairy where I want to be.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 14 Apr 2008, 10:58, closed)

Your not shy!
Your just afraid the power of your debonair looks and swashbuckling demeanour will have us all agog and we will all become crazed lustful women, (and men), and there will be no peace for you on this site.

Or your a munter!
( girlinthehole, Mon 14 Apr 2008, 10:58, closed)

Nothing wrong
With being a munter... Is there?
*cries*
( Cawl, Mon 14 Apr 2008, 10:59, closed)

@BGB
I've added a photo to my profile, purely for your benefit.

/is a munter.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 14 Apr 2008, 11:00, closed)

@Kaol
I doubt anyone on this site is a munter.....
( girlinthehole, Mon 14 Apr 2008, 11:00, closed)

@Bert you may be hairy but...
You've got lovely eyes.
( girlinthehole, Mon 14 Apr 2008, 11:02, closed)

Well...
*hides*

EDIT: @Burt - That picture rocks, loving the hair-do, where do you go?
( Cawl, Mon 14 Apr 2008, 11:03, closed)

Thanks BGB
You've just made me feel alot better about myself.

@Kaol the hairdressers, obviously. Duh.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 14 Apr 2008, 11:03, closed)

*rolls eyes*
*fails to think of a witty come-back*
( Cawl, Mon 14 Apr 2008, 11:05, closed)

@Bert
You look quite young on that photo. How long ago was it taken?
( girlinthehole, Mon 14 Apr 2008, 11:06, closed)

@Bert's photo
great, now I'm scared of frickin' monkeys too.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Mon 14 Apr 2008, 11:07, closed)

@BGB
it was taken when I was about 5. A friend of mine found it, unfortunately it does bear a striking resemblance to the real me.

CHCB How can you be scared of the cute little fluffy monkey?!
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 14 Apr 2008, 11:09, closed)

maybe
'cos humpin' it will get you teh bad aids?
(Greencloud Wanted to go fishing on, Mon 14 Apr 2008, 11:10, closed)

^this
and also it might eat my brains.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Mon 14 Apr 2008, 11:11, closed)

Who'd hump a baby spider monkey?!
I've done some terrible things in my time, but that'd cross the line...

@CHCB brains vagina.

My first ever strikethrough joke, yay!
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 14 Apr 2008, 11:12, closed)

a paedo-spidermonkey-phile?
????
(Greencloud Wanted to go fishing on, Mon 14 Apr 2008, 11:14, closed)

@ Burt...
Saying that is like saying "who'd screw a kitten".

*flashback to party with everyone staring at me, as I joked about screwing a kitten until it was "spin-able"...*

I left alone that night.
( Cawl, Mon 14 Apr 2008, 11:16, closed)

eh? Wha'?
Thank you, Sexmonkey, for lowering the tone. Isn't that al's job? I think I am also very scared of monkey oral also. In fact, bleeeeeeeee.
*shudders*

Kaol - if you think that's bad, you should've heard my best friend's reaction to flashwanking.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Mon 14 Apr 2008, 11:19, closed)

Arf! @Kaol
I am the master of the inappropriate joke, my sister-in-law's dad died last week, the first thing I said was, 'I hope they bury him quick, before your sister eats him' (her sister is a munter of truck-like proportions).

She cried, alot.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 14 Apr 2008, 11:19, closed)

@Bert
Cruel, but funny too, so that's okay.

@CHCB I agree, monkey oral would be terrible, with their little scratchy fingers and tiny raspy tongue. Guuuurrrrrggghhhhh *shudders*
(Bazongaloid, Mon 14 Apr 2008, 11:21, closed)

@al
I've never had any complaints.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 14 Apr 2008, 11:22, closed)

Well...
That's good work Burt.

That kitten thing was at a work party... Two days after I'd started :(

@chcb - what was their reaction then?
( Cawl, Mon 14 Apr 2008, 11:24, closed)

Monkey oral?
Take a little look at my profile....
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Mon 14 Apr 2008, 11:27, closed)

@Kaol
I mentioned it to her, thinking it was very funny, and she went silent, then made some embarrassed noises, then said "oh god" faintly. This is a girl who tells me the ins and outs of her sex life (with her hideous married-with-two-children lover) in more detail than I could ever, ever want. And she was horrified by an online mention of wanking!
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Mon 14 Apr 2008, 11:29, closed)

@chickenlady
ba-doinggggggggg...

you really shouldn't encourage a monkeysex.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 14 Apr 2008, 11:29, closed)

He's a lovely little chap isn't he?

( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Mon 14 Apr 2008, 11:31, closed)

He sure is, chickenlady
I like how he/she/it's blatantly trying to expose itself.

*exposes self*

edit CHCB -mention? You did actually do it didn't you, I've been arrested on a weekly basis since the formation of your cult.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 14 Apr 2008, 11:33, closed)

^
Of course I did! I was just telling her about it on the phone. I'm not sure why she was so squikked out - was it the thought of me self-pleasuring or the thought that it was coordinated with a bunch of strangers on the Interweb.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Mon 14 Apr 2008, 11:39, closed)

@chcb
"ins and outs of her sex life"?
Is that like a blow-by-blow account?

Er... *too early for this*
( Cawl, Mon 14 Apr 2008, 11:41, closed)

@Kaol
Yes, it's all about giving her the hard facts, whenever and wherever she needs them.

I'm concerned that threads like this might give Tourettes a hernia.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 14 Apr 2008, 11:44, closed)

@CHCB
probably the strangers via the interweb thing, after all, we're a bunch of seedy, geeky, hairy types...

Or at least, I am.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 14 Apr 2008, 11:45, closed)

I, for one,
Am neither seedy, hairy or geeky...
Actually, I'm "allegedly" geeky.
Damn that geek calculation a few QOTW's back :(
( Cawl, Mon 14 Apr 2008, 11:48, closed)

It's alright, K
I'm seedy and hairy enough for both of us.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 14 Apr 2008, 11:52, closed)

I'm seedy, but that's only because I've just eaten a piece of toast with seeds on it.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Mon 14 Apr 2008, 11:53, closed)

I'm seedy
because I like to hang around the docks and cottage with sailors.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 14 Apr 2008, 11:56, closed)

I'm seedy
Because... Er... I did some arable farming at the weekend?

*fails*
( Cawl, Mon 14 Apr 2008, 11:57, closed)

I'm seedy
because I'm listening to a CD
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Mon 14 Apr 2008, 11:59, closed)

@ Kaol
No, then you'd be drilling!
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Mon 14 Apr 2008, 11:59, closed)

@chickenlady
Nah, the Jesus way, with a bag-o-corn, and a strong wrist action...
( Cawl, Mon 14 Apr 2008, 12:00, closed)

I'm seedy because
I like "doing things" between two sesame baps.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 14 Apr 2008, 12:01, closed)

Consider the tone
Officially lowered.
( Cawl, Mon 14 Apr 2008, 12:02, closed)

@ Kaol
Ah...that way you always plant 3 seeds - one for the birds, one for you and one for something else...Jesus perhaps.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Mon 14 Apr 2008, 12:02, closed)

*Fonzes*
Ayyyyy....!

My post lowered the tone? -yet al's didn't?
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 14 Apr 2008, 12:03, closed)

@chickenlady
Don't be silly, everyone knows Jesus doesn't exist! He's just a story to scare children and the feeble-minded.

Why'd he need seeds? He eats brains in the stories, like all other zombies.

EDIT @Burt - Al didn't mention the act, it was left to the reader's imagination. You described a lurid act with bread.
( Cawl, Mon 14 Apr 2008, 12:04, closed)

@ Kaol
You were the one to bring the ultimate god-botherer into it...I thought he was into large scale catering with a bit of carpentry on the side, not arable farming.

;)

*EDIT* He eats brains? What Brains Faggots?
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Mon 14 Apr 2008, 12:10, closed)

There, edited
to make it slightly less tone-lowering.
:D

*frowns at al*
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 14 Apr 2008, 12:12, closed)

@ Bert
You like 'doing things'?

Like carpentry?
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Mon 14 Apr 2008, 12:13, closed)

@chickenlady
I sure do! You should see the size of the splinters in my co...

*doesn't go there*
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 14 Apr 2008, 12:14, closed)

@ Bert
So you like your projects to be flat as a board and never been nailed?
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Mon 14 Apr 2008, 12:17, closed)

@ chickenlady
Well... Zombies eat brains. Like... People-head-brains.

"Urrrrghhhh... Braaaaaaiiiiinnns"

Jesus died, and came back. That makes him a zombie.
That's why they nailed him to some wood, because they didn't want him wandering off biting people.

So he eats brains.

:D
( Cawl, Mon 14 Apr 2008, 12:18, closed)

@chickenlady
nah, I prefer them more goat-shaped and experienced.

@Kaol 'They' -it was Santa and The Easter Bunny what dunnit! I was there!
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 14 Apr 2008, 12:20, closed)

@ Kaol
But why does he go spreading seeds from corn in a bag?
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Mon 14 Apr 2008, 12:20, closed)

Oh for the love of...
Dammit Kaol, now I have to reassess the defensive capabilities of all the buildings I regularly frequent to make allowances for the fact that one of the living dead that I will be defending them against will actually be the son of God.

Thanks.

Thanks a bunch.

*avoids Bert's gaze*
*whistles nonchalantly*
*deftly sexes a monkey when no-one else is looking*
(Bazongaloid, Mon 14 Apr 2008, 12:22, closed)

For the personal delectation of some b3tans....
Here is a picture taken from my own personal collection. She was once mine and I called her Kitty.

Kitty

I have other photos...
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Mon 14 Apr 2008, 12:27, closed)

How do you protect yourself from a zombie jesus?
al, can I have that monkey when you're finished?

*EDIT* @chickenlady -I bet she purrs like a minx. Hunnnnnh!
*spluffs*
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 14 Apr 2008, 12:27, closed)

@ chickenlady
That was before his zombie-fication.
He was claiming benefits, but doing some farming on the side.
He wasn't allowed to drive the tractor pulling the seed-drill, because of his drinking problem.
( Cawl, Mon 14 Apr 2008, 12:29, closed)

@ Kaol
He had the drinking problem? I thought it was his mum - mind you maybe she was the one who put him onto the road to ruin by making him change all the drinking water into the hard stuff. She was always a bit money-grabbing.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Mon 14 Apr 2008, 12:33, closed)

@Bert
Get your own you tone lowering sesame bap abuser.

*pouts*

No I can't do it, how can you resist that cute little hairy face.

*hands over slightly used monkey*
(Bazongaloid, Mon 14 Apr 2008, 12:34, closed)

@Chickenlady
You see, that didn't exactly happen like that though.

He had a tray of vodka in shot glasses, that he was taking to his mates, when he happened to get a nosebleed fom all the coke he was doing the night before.
It must've been cut with something dodgy.
Anyway, he sneezed, splattered blood into the vodka, leaving it looking and tasting like the cheapest, nastiest red wine you can imagine.

He wasn't joking with the whole "This is my blood" thing either.
( Cawl, Mon 14 Apr 2008, 12:37, closed)

Cheers al!
*douches monkey*

So, chickenlady and Kaol, what's with the semi-serious religious debate? -can't you see al and I are busy?
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 14 Apr 2008, 12:37, closed)

@Burt
Take it elsewhere.
I'm busy
( Cawl, Mon 14 Apr 2008, 12:40, closed)

I'm torn
I want to know what "douching" is, but on the other hand, I quite clearly don't, because once I know I can't ever not know. And it's bad enough walking round with the knowledge of what the term "wolfbagging" means sitting in my brain ready to fall out at an entirely inappropriate moment.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 14 Apr 2008, 12:41, closed)

@al
I'll tell you about douching, if you tell me about wolfbagging.

@Kaol are you alright? You seem to be a very serious Koka Kaola today.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 14 Apr 2008, 12:43, closed)

I'm fine Mr. Monkeysex
I don't like Monday mornings, but I'll be ok, 15 minutes until the sweet, sweet pub will welcome me into her embrace.
( Cawl, Mon 14 Apr 2008, 12:45, closed)

Me?
I'm not serious. I'm sitting in my b/f's flat (alone! Hahahahaah! With his drawers at my disposal!) in my knickers reading b3ta instead of doing some writing - which is why I'm here - taking time out to Write. Or not.

*EDIT* I too want to know about Wolfbagging as I already know about douching.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Mon 14 Apr 2008, 12:53, closed)

Wolfbagging



To have anal sex with a person who, prior to the deed, has swallowed a piece of raw bacon with a length of string attatched to it. One end of the string hangs out of the mouth of the anal recipient and as "the moment" approaches for the anal giver, he yanks the piece of string, causing the other person to vomit up the piece of bacon. During vomiting, the muscles in the anus become tightly clenched, causing an amazing sensation for the anal giver.

We indulged in a spot of wolfbagging, and had a nice bacon sandwich afterwards.


If you ever need to know something disgusting, just ask me...

Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Mon 14 Apr 2008, 13:00, closed)

Ah!
I'd always wondered what that was called.



Oh. Erm....
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Mon 14 Apr 2008, 13:01, closed)

Yeah, me too....
I thought I was quite clued up in rude things, but wolfbagging is a new one on me?
( Tourette's ( . )( . ) has a monkey hair in her fried egg, Mon 14 Apr 2008, 13:02, closed)

Okay, okay
But only because chickenlady is in her underwear.

Wolfbagging - one person takes a piece of bacon and ties a piece of string around it. The women swallows said piece of bacon, complete with string. Man indulges in vigorous naughty time with women's back bottom. At the point of no return man pulls on piece of string to remove bacon along with the rest of the women's stomach contents. Resulting sphincteral spasms increase pleasurable feeling to man.

You see why I'm worried that I might accidentally explain that in public?

EDIT - dammit, too slow, cheers Legless, your explanation was a bit more straightforward than mine.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 14 Apr 2008, 13:04, closed)

@ Tourettes
I was shown told about this when I was in my teens but I had no idea it had a proper name - I was told by the then b/f that it was just Friday night fun.


Rather like Ant and Dec.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Mon 14 Apr 2008, 13:04, closed)

Thanks Uncle Legless
Wish I hadn't asked now....

Now I know what it means, I'm still really curious what bacon has to do with wolves?

Does it have to be bacon?

If so, why?
( Tourette's ( . )( . ) has a monkey hair in her fried egg, Mon 14 Apr 2008, 13:07, closed)

@ Chickenlady
Christ :o/ Ant & Dec (is Ant the one on the left?)....
Do they partake in said activity?
I cannot imagine a more disturbing mental image.
Unless goats / monkeys were incorporated..
( Tourette's ( . )( . ) has a monkey hair in her fried egg, Mon 14 Apr 2008, 13:12, closed)

Actually
There is a worse one.

Allegedly, there's a special class of prostitute in Hong Kong that's hideously expensive. Mainly because none of them live very long.

The woman's hands are tied and the man enters her from behind (not sure what hole.) Then the woman's head is forcibly held under water until she starts to drown. Apparently this makes the body do all sorts of spectacular contractions that some men sick bastards find enjoyable.

Just when I thought I knew it all.....

Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Mon 14 Apr 2008, 13:12, closed)

Wolfbagging
sounds absolutely horrible, far worse than douching.

Surely there's an easier way of getting the girl to vomit though?
Like a full-size mirror so she can see your gurning face?
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 14 Apr 2008, 13:16, closed)

@ Legless
What in the world is wrong with the ping-pong ball trick? Why can't they just settle for that rather than drowning the poor old bag?
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Mon 14 Apr 2008, 13:16, closed)

@Tourettes
It has to be bacon if you want bacon sandwich afterwards.

Otherwise it could be anything you want I suppose.

And the only connections I can see to wolves is that wolves often regurgitate (throw-up for you thickies) part of a kill for their pups. But I don't think that they're getting shagged while they do it. At least, if they are, David Attenborough hasn't filmed it yet.

Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Mon 14 Apr 2008, 13:18, closed)

@ Tourettes
Oh dear. Ant and Dec.

Enough to make anyone celibate.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Mon 14 Apr 2008, 13:18, closed)

@Chickenlady
But the ping-pong ball trick is so passe these days. Even Chavs can do it (but they use a football rather than a ping-pong ball...)
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Mon 14 Apr 2008, 13:19, closed)

@ Legless
Ah..yes...that's very true.

Back in the day when all of this was just fields a ping pong ball fired from a lady's nether regions was truly a sight to behold. Now no one is interested unless she's doing it with a football and forms part of a penalty kick because of the offside rule.

There's a comment to be had in there about ugly footballers and personal shoppers called Colleen.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Mon 14 Apr 2008, 13:24, closed)

while we're on the subject,
could someone please tell me why "vinegar strokes" is/are so-called?
Is it to do with gurning / acidity?

Legless, I believe I asked you this very question one Sunday afternoon. If you answered, evidently I was too pissed to remember the answer.
( Tourette's ( . )( . ) has a monkey hair in her fried egg, Mon 14 Apr 2008, 13:24, closed)

vinegar strokes
It's to do with the expression on a mans face looking like he's drunk some vinegar.

Try spiking Davros's chips with too much vinegar and you'll see what we mean.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 14 Apr 2008, 13:27, closed)

Just when you think you'd heard of everthing...
Something else sexually disturbing crops up. The human race's ability to conjur up all these incredibly strange ways to get your jollies makes me partly fearful and partly in awe of their injenuity.
( girlinthehole, Mon 14 Apr 2008, 13:28, closed)

@ Tourettes
www.vinegar-strokes.co.uk/


Go on...you know you want to ;)
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Mon 14 Apr 2008, 13:31, closed)

I like vinegar a lot
And therefore maintain a normal expression when eating vinegarised chips - so probably not helpful.

I have, however, been know to grin like a wanking Jap at times.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Mon 14 Apr 2008, 13:34, closed)

@ Chickenlady
ROFLOL thanks for that!
I only scored 9/16 - bah!
Must try *harder*
( Tourette's ( . )( . ) has a monkey hair in her fried egg, Mon 14 Apr 2008, 13:41, closed)

oh dear
only got 6/16. Clearly need more porn in my life.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 14 Apr 2008, 13:52, closed)

Well...
"The woman's hands are tied and the man enters her from behind (not sure what hole.) Then the woman's head is forcibly held under water until she starts to drown."

I know what I'll be thinking about at 4pm on Wednesday.
( Cawl, Mon 14 Apr 2008, 13:57, closed)

So what do you call
girlie vinegar strokes? Since we can have multiples, do our facial expressions differentiate, say, between a good quality Italian balsamic, Dufrais cider vinegar and a supermarket's own version of Sarsons?
( Tourette's ( . )( . ) has a monkey hair in her fried egg, Mon 14 Apr 2008, 14:03, closed)

I tend to avoid
looking at the face, sometimes I get the giggles and it puts me off my stroke.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 14 Apr 2008, 14:08, closed)

You can't see their face
If you're smothering them with a pillow...
( Cawl, Mon 14 Apr 2008, 14:12, closed)

Kaol
Why would you want to smother a goat?
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Mon 14 Apr 2008, 14:22, closed)

Oh, that's Burt and Al
That're into the goats.
I'm strictly into women.
It's just a shame that they're not into me *rolls eyes*

*checks pockets for "hooker money"*

*drives to Ipswich*
( Cawl, Mon 14 Apr 2008, 14:26, closed)

Ah!
*Collates information on clip-board*
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Mon 14 Apr 2008, 14:28, closed)

I'm glad
We got that cleared up.

(Congratulations on getting post 100)
( Cawl, Mon 14 Apr 2008, 14:29, closed)

Ooooh!
*Adds to information*
*Opens Excel*
*Peruses www.goatsummers.com and www.monkeylovers.com for future evil reference*

*Works on world domination plans based upon the foibles of b3tans*
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Mon 14 Apr 2008, 14:36, closed)