I have spent years trying to deal with my fear of chiahuahuas
... So, I have found a way to involve them in my life in a situation that I'm comfortable with.

Chihuahua Science.

1. I experimented to see if my Chihuahua floats, I found that it does.
While reading up on the subject of density, It came to my attention that the density of fluids is inversely proportional to the temperature of the liquid.
Punt (the dog's name) was only able to keep his head above the cold water, and quite frankly seemed to struggle a bit.
I contended that using boiling water (less dense you see) will make it harder for him to swim.
The experiment failed.

2. Again I'd been in the Science books doing some "book-learnin'"
I discovered that things get warm if you agitate their molecules: the very principle behind a microwave oven.
On a larger scale, The energy held in a moving object - when colliding with a target - Creates heat within the target itself.
My Chihuahua was cold. How many stones would I have to throw at it to warm it up?
The experiment failed.
Conclusion: use smaller rocks.

3. Having Experimented with the buoyancy of my Chihuahua in liquids hot and cold, and having tried to warm it up by bombarding it with object .... I decided to resort to modern technology to warm the poor thing up again.
The experiment failed.
It took ages to clean the microwave.

4. Frustration during one laboratory session lead to me kicking a Chihuahua about 13 meters, I just tried to kick a poodle to see if the "four times the weight = quarter the distance" theory.
The experiment was a partial success.
I was surprised to find that I achieved 6 meters, and broke my toe.
I concluded that I had used more force with the poodle.

5. Following the suggestions of a fellow animal lover, I used chilli sauce on a Chihuahua's nether-regions to speed it up, and thus make it more interesting. (I used to use Coleman's mustard)
However... The effect was quite startling... After a 30 minute rampage (I had to stand on a table) the dog suddenly fell asleep.
I was unable to wake him.
The experiment was a short-term success., but the "dog" remained broken.

6. I took:
2 meter length of 130mm diameter steel pipe.
One large end-cap
A small amount of gunpowder
A fuse
One Chihuahua (approx 130mm diameter with legs tucked in)

After assembling the apparatus, I lit the fuse.
The experiment was inconclusive: test subject could not be located.

**************

I feel that my fear has been conquered, but now I'm currently cooking 6 Chihuahuas to feed my family.

It's perfectly humane: they all died naturally in a series of experiments... But I have a culinary question.

I've seen people remove the skins from peppers by flaming them a little with a small blow-torch. Can I use the same technique on the Chihuahuas if I use a bigger blowtorch?
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Wed 16 Apr 2008, 14:40, 16 replies)

^^ Perhaps this will hold the answer
ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/51QEFSGPS4L._SL500_BO2,204,203,200_PIsitb-dp-500-arrow,TopRight,45,-64_OU02_AA240_SH20_.jpg

Oh, and *click*
( Boss Keloid Got your mother's maiden name tattooed on my arm, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 14:45, closed)

To remove the skin
Soak it in brandy for two hours.

Coat the "dog" in clay.

Bake in a hot oven for two hours.

Break open the clay (careful, it's hot!).

The skin and hair will stick to the clay, leaving you with the meaty insides, and need-like bones.
( Cawl, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 14:51, closed)

^
Kaol read too many Famous Five books about gypsies cooking hedgehogs.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 14:52, closed)

Hey!
Gypsies don't use brandy, that's mine.
( Cawl, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 14:53, closed)

I've cooked Squirrles that way...
Nice little armadillo-style treats =)
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Wed 16 Apr 2008, 14:55, closed)

it also
works on wombles.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 14:56, closed)

I think
you need one of these.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Wed 16 Apr 2008, 14:57, closed)

Don't
Eat wombles.

You can get the clap from them.
( Cawl, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 14:57, closed)

You can get the clap
from Bert's goat as well. I don't quite know how I'm going to tell him.
(Bazongaloid, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 15:00, closed)

Hmmm...
Let him find out himself...

The Clap! A squishy, oozey surprise!
( Cawl, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 15:02, closed)

*pretends not to hear*
I love my horny friend.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 15:10, closed)

Chickengun
My Dad was responsible for making one of these when working for Handley Page in the very early 60s. The RAF decided that it wanted to fly its Victor bombers into Russia at treetop height and thus there was a requirement to find out what a birdstrike would do to a Victor.

I'm all for launching small, yappy dogs into space at high velocity, especially if they're of a Mexican rat catching variety.

Mr Humpty has earned a click.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Wed 16 Apr 2008, 15:15, closed)

Can we substitute
Jack Russells for Chihuahuas?

Goddam dog insisted on sleeping under the covers and directly against my butt again last night...
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Wed 16 Apr 2008, 15:33, closed)

Sounds reasonable
Any small dog which can fit into a 13" diameter tube is a good substitute. This will hopefully include snarly Yorkshire Terriers, yappy Pomeranians and vicious Daschunds.

Strangely, I am quite fond of Jack Russels though.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Wed 16 Apr 2008, 15:39, closed)

You wouldn't be so fond of them
if one had stuck her nose in your ringpiece at 2:30 in the morning. I spent the next half hour trying to get rid of the shudders.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Wed 16 Apr 2008, 15:57, closed)

TRL
Some people would pay good money for that experience. There's a virtual goat or two round here that could do with a day off if you fancy pimping your JR out...
(osok Rebel without a clue, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 17:51, closed)