:(
I think my dad is expecting to be dumped as a parent and this makes me most scared and unhappy and ... scared, and I don't know if I'm being bratty or if it's something else.

He's always been very old fashioned in his morals - not even from a religious perspective, he just is - and doesn't approve of living together before you get married, and also dislikes it that I'm moving heaven and earth to get a job to stay here with Mr Maladicta, and he doesn't approve of that in spite of having met and liked him.

In spite of his disapproval, he sent me some money to get set up here - I don't want to go into how much, but enough, and made it clear in the email I've just opened that he's disappointed in me for selling myself short and believes I want my parents out of my life, when I would never want that, but because I'm choosing to stay here and be independent instead of moving back home, and now I feel like the worst daughter ever. I'm scared :(
( Maladicta, Thu 5 Jun 2008, 22:47, 11 replies)

Aw!
*hugs*

Have you spoken to him? Sounds like you need to have a good long chat with him so that you both know where you stand. Can your mum help?

Parents aren't easy creatures, you have my sympathies.
(Moniker, Thu 5 Jun 2008, 23:09, closed)

^ She's not aware he's sent it.
My parents have vastly differing moral opinions, mum is a lot more liberal and perfectly fine with the living together thing, whereas dad is more old-fashioned, and he's not told her he's sent the email because he knows how she'll react and their marriage is already wobbly :(

*hugs back*
( Maladicta, Thu 5 Jun 2008, 23:18, closed)

Parents
They are sensitive creatures. We THINK they are mature and above alot of mush (well, at least Dad's) but in truth,they are more fragile than we think.

I had several falling outs with my Dad. All over my going out and 'doing' things: from my college selection (he didnt want me to 'fail' and disappoint myself), to my military service selection (Marines are considered cannon fodder over here) to leaving that to pursue a career on Wall Street.

But every single time, I explained why I was doing what I was doing and why and how I appreciated his 'concerns' but ultimately, I needed to do this for myself.

Ultimately, it's not them being selfish, they just want to protect the joy that you no doubt are to them.

So, virtual hugs to you and I will say a Prayer for you and your folks.

Citadel
( Citadel Because the world needs less morons, Thu 5 Jun 2008, 23:30, closed)

well, he said,
taking a puff on his pipe and sitting in his comfy chair, as a father myself (oldest daughter out of her teens) you *have* to let your children go out into the big wide world, and make their own mistakes. But it's the hardest thing to do and many parents fall down at this point.

Much as I don't want to criticise your dad - who after all is giving you help to do what he doesn't want, so kudos for that - he's not acting like an adult here. In the grown up world, children do leave home, do become independent, and do end up having pre-marital sex. And I'm sure these are things he's done himself, of course. As an adult and a parent, he has to recognise you as being an adult as well, and so able to make your own choices in life. I'm sure you've done nothing to say you want your parents out of your life, so 'fraid to say he's playing the "guilt" card here, which as a good daughter you've picked up and it's working.
Best thing is - thank him for the cash, look up some flight details to where you are, say "look how cheaply you can get here for" and encourage him to visit you - on your turf, adult to adult. That *shows* him that you want to see him, but also that you're old enough now for this to be on your territory. If you only see him at your old home, then it's all too easy to fall back into parent-child transactions.
Don't be scared - if he loves you, and I'm sure he does, he will adapt. Don't be unhappy - what you are doing is not wrong. Don't think you are the worst daughter ever - many more people can beat you to that prize. Just carry on, be strong, he will come round.
All the best
( I_Was_Mordred, Thu 5 Jun 2008, 23:52, closed)

@ Citadel
This isn't the first time dad's brought the subject up, at Christmas he told me how proud he and mum are of me and that he didn't want to see me waste my education and my life on selling myself short. The problem is that I have very little work experience and we all need to start somewhere, be it McDonald's or anywhere, and he views this as me working beneath me rather than my only applying for what I can get; I'm applying higher up the rungs as well, to marketing firms and law firms and PA jobs and admin jobs, but somehow this seems to bypass him, but this is the first time he's come to blows with me over it. At Christmas I didn't say much, and mum told me to ignore him when I told her what had happened, to do what's right for me.

I just don't think he's going to ever be happy with the idea...

Thank you for your prayers, they're very much appreciated :)
( Maladicta, Fri 6 Jun 2008, 0:12, closed)

@ Mordred
My parents never had pre-marital sex, never lived together before they married, but it was a different world then and my dad has truly stuck to his guns about it; he's always been against doing things like that when you're not married and once told me that if I got pregnant and I wasn't married he'd disown me (way to give a girl a complex about sex, dad).

I respect him above all else for sticking to his guns and he raised me to never take shit from people so I really do understand why he's done this, but it makes me feel awful that he's disappointed in me and genuinely believes that his and my mum's roles in my life are at an end, but I do agree with you that he's playing the guilt card somewhat. I only live 200 miles from them and they've driven it lots of times to come and see me, and while they've not seen me since January I'm more than happy to see them, but I need to live life my way now. They're coming down to move me out of halls next week and into... wherever... but I'm dreading seeing him if this all isn't resolved but I don't know where to begin with it, and on top of that he's shat the boyfriend up well...

Thanks :)
( Maladicta, Fri 6 Jun 2008, 0:17, closed)

Parents
can be a nightmare! I'm back living with the old feller just now and despite being 30, he still treats me like a very young child.

Cutting the apron strings is always hard but I'm sure once he sees you make a go of things he'll be happy for you :)
( baw__bag contains traces of nuts on, Fri 6 Jun 2008, 2:46, closed)

Well...
I will tell you this, and I am SURE it's WAY different for a Father/Daughter relationship, but I was also the baby boy, so in some ways it's got to be similar:

When I went to The Citadel, he fought tooth and nail...until he came down for Parents weekend and saw me doing so well and being all 'cadet-y'.

When I chose the Marines, he was unhappy with that and we had more than a couple of battles/arguments over that...until he came down to OCS at Quantico and then later, when he met my Commanding Officer and the CO said some glowing things about my service.

Then, just as he was comfy with my being a Jarhead, I up and decided I wanted to make $ and wanted to move to NY. I left in August. he didnt speak to me until November. That was the longest couple of months in my life. Two weeks after Thanksgiving, he and Mom came up to NY to visit and do some Christmas shopping and I led them around NYC as if I'd lived their my whole life, had a great apartment and introduced him to my bosses at the firm.

Its plain fear. Particularly a guy as old school as your Father. He just wants whats best for his little girl. Dont hate him. Just understand him. And keep him informed about where you apply and have an interview. Let him feel like he is still 'helping' you and not just financially and I am SURE he will come round.

The Prayers most definitely will continue. I ALWAYS root for the underdog. :) (not that you're a dog...I mean, well, you know what I mean...I hope.)

:I
( Citadel Because the world needs less morons, Fri 6 Jun 2008, 5:09, closed)

*Warm glows*
This is some lovely advice, and has made me feel all warm and happy inside. I hope it all works out for you hunny. *hugs*
( e.m.m.y. foxtrot uniform charlie kilo india tango, Fri 6 Jun 2008, 10:46, closed)

My dad sounds like yours
Very firm morals, old fashioned - the only time I've ever seen him cry was the day I moved out to go to uni.

He was always on my case about my degree, was it the right one for me, what was I going to do with my life, was I selling myself short when I could be doing better? Fact is he just wants the best for me as he's scared that I'll end up discontented with whatever I do and be miserable.

Your dad clearly loves you a lot and is concerned about you, so help him be involved in your life without being his little girl anymore. I make a point of asking him and my mum for advice on things even if I don't actually need it as it makes them feel good. My brothers frequently ask my mum for parenting advice for their own children when they dont need it as it makes her feel good to pass on knowledge.

I hope things work out better for you and your dad soon x
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Fri 6 Jun 2008, 12:35, closed)

Unfortunately
(for him) it's your life, not his.
You are your own person and you do what you want to do.
It's very kind of him to give you monies to set up in a new place, although it's just occurred to me that that might be just to guilt trip you a bit more.
However, you might have to explain to him why you're doing what you're doing.
I reached an epiphany a few years back when I realised my parents should not be automatically given the final word.
(tweebianmonkey Should be known as Widget, Fri 6 Jun 2008, 14:55, closed)