getting over the one who dumped you
happens more quickly when you factor in the requisite post-dumping trip to the STD clinic to check they haven't kindly and benevolently showered you with some nasty crotch mould.

Getting swabbed and poked and stuck with needles and papered with AIDS leaflets is an amazing process of alchemy whereby grief and sorrow is rapidly transmuted into a lump of solid bitterness.

All that AND you get the adventure of a long, slow, bureaucratic wait amid the more conscientious hookers and junkies who somehow stare at you with pity.

It certainly stops the reminiscing about the hot sex. For a while, anyway.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Fri 6 Jun 2008, 13:02, 24 replies)

You've just reminded me...
...about an ex who clung on as a "friend" for a long time afterwards (the self-serving, Thatcherite whore mentioned briefly in my earlier post). Whilst I didn't feel it necessary to get myself checked, I did, for quite a while, regret the fact that I never actually got to tell her what a bitch I thought she was. Popping a few of those AIDS leaflets in the post to her was seriously considered for a while.
(LongJohnBaldry, Fri 6 Jun 2008, 13:06, closed)

I'm ramping it up a bit for comic effect
those clinics are fine and painless and they do a good job and people should be getting themselves checked out when they have a new partner anyway, even if they think they've been careful.

I'm all for the mad sex, but also all for the responsible bit too.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Fri 6 Jun 2008, 13:11, closed)

BUT THEY'LL SEE MY PECKER!
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 6 Jun 2008, 13:14, closed)

See it?
They'll shove things up it, matey!
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Fri 6 Jun 2008, 13:15, closed)

maybe not
I don't know how it works for blokes, but for women they give you a self-swab kit, so no one sees yer bits.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Fri 6 Jun 2008, 13:15, closed)

I've never had to go myself
but a mate of mine did. A doctor told him to pull back his foreskin, while he inserted "a thing like a fucking ball point pen" up his Jap's eye.

I think there may have been a bit of exaggeration there, and also a bit of 'that'll teach ye, laddie', but still, I don't much fancy it.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Fri 6 Jun 2008, 13:17, closed)

Oh, I'd agree with you...
...except, perhaps, for the bit about it being painless. As I say, I've no experience myself, but I know a lot of medical students*, who assure me the male urethra does not take kindly to being swabbed.

EDIT: And I realise K2k6 has just beat me to the same comment...

*_{The kind who will actually make half-decent doctors, not the gin-addicted rugger bugger types}
(LongJohnBaldry, Fri 6 Jun 2008, 13:18, closed)

Hmm....
As an enthusiastic masochist, the idea of somebody doing that to me in a public place actually sounds quite appealing.

Anybody got a swab?
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 6 Jun 2008, 13:18, closed)

@Sexmonkey
You could practice with a cotton bud and work up.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Fri 6 Jun 2008, 13:21, closed)

@K2k6
You seem to know alot about this, tell me more.

I want to be able to fit a Manatee up there eventually.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 6 Jun 2008, 13:23, closed)

/shudders
I'm glad I found this thread after I had my lunch...

EDIT: @Bert - maybe a Manatee's a little ambitious - try a Cockatoo.
(LongJohnBaldry, Fri 6 Jun 2008, 13:23, closed)

All these...
Not me, but a mate (honest) had a g/f who insisted he get checked out before she'd even go out with him. So he did.

He compared it to having a cocktail umbrella inserted and opened inside his schlong.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Fri 6 Jun 2008, 13:23, closed)

can some bloke who has actually been to a GUM clinic
please relate what actually happens to the men? I'm curious now.

For the women who haven't been, this happens:
- you get asked questions about your sex life (partner(s), what type of sex you have, is there a reason why you came for a check-up), menstrual cycle, drug use, etc.

- they give you a cotton bud in a tube and send you off to the toilet to do your own swab

- they do a blood test for nasty things like syphilis and AIDS

- that's all

Easy-peasey.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Fri 6 Jun 2008, 13:28, closed)

@Bert
You know how sometimes you get an itchy ear, and you stick a cotton bud in it to clean out the irritating wax.

Well, if you should have an itchy willy...

Edit - I'm not saying that I have, by the way. Otherwise I'd be down to the GUM clinic quick smart. But not before I'd scratched the itch myself.

Another Edit - Manatee? Isn't that some kind of fork lift truck?
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Fri 6 Jun 2008, 13:33, closed)

Mythbusters
*consults practicing Doc pal*

They don't use a cotton bud... Oh no... Ever seen one of those little plastic things you get when you buy a cup of Network Rail coffee?
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Fri 6 Jun 2008, 13:40, closed)

I've had that done... Yeah, I remember now,
they send you off to some little room and make you wank into a little pot, then you give it to the lady at the desk and she gives you some money... I never heard back about results so I'm guessing they were all negative.
(Belgaer is, Fri 6 Jun 2008, 13:41, closed)

PJM
You mean the plastic lids?
(LongJohnBaldry, Fri 6 Jun 2008, 13:41, closed)

I think he means the stirring thingies,
that have holes down 'em...
(Belgaer is, Fri 6 Jun 2008, 13:42, closed)

/shudders again

That's the last time I buy coffee from Network Rail...
(LongJohnBaldry, Fri 6 Jun 2008, 13:43, closed)

On a related topic
A friend of mine had kidney stones, which managed to get as far as being bladder stones, but no further. He was in agony so went to A&E (in the hospital in which he works, as it happens) whereupon the doctors catheterised him immediately to relieve the pressure.

After a number of days, once the stones had been broken up and expelled, the catheter was removed. By this time it had encrusted somewhat at the inside end, and removal was quite painful, reaming out his urethra.

However, he did report one unexpected positive side effect - he pissed like a horse afterwards, and could empty his bladder in half the time!
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Fri 6 Jun 2008, 13:48, closed)

Yeech!
I'm so, so glad I'm a girl

*remembers will probably do childing at some point*

Maybe not that glad. But still glad.
(happylittletulip helpless and delicious, Fri 6 Jun 2008, 13:52, closed)

STI tests..
They ask you a couple of questions, take some blood then stick a swab down your willy.

If they do this right (fortunately, what's happened so far) it stings. If they do it wrong, it is apparently extremely painful..

There may be some GUM clinics where they don't need to do the swab, but I think most do.
(EssY, Fri 6 Jun 2008, 13:54, closed)

thanks EssY!
And if I'm honest, the most excruciating part for me was admitting I'd fucked someone from Wiltshire.


(only messin', I swear)
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Fri 6 Jun 2008, 13:58, closed)

willy sticks
I can vouch for the various pain associated with this procedure.

1. the blood test, easy peasy..
2. willy swab. take a very small wire with a small cotton bud on the end. put it down the jap's eye about an inch and twirl. PAIN
3. go back to work and forget the pain.
4. go have a piddle and REMEMBER THE PAIN ALL OVER AGAIN as the hot piss hits the swabbed area.

Almost enough to swear off sex forever... almost.

Still the results came back negative so I told the "ex" I came back clean so whatever you got, you didn't get it from me. I could have posted my own story I suppose but it wasn't that good.
(Lurkaloid awarded wanking black belt on, Fri 6 Jun 2008, 17:08, closed)