In which Grandmasterfluffles receives some strange advice
A pair of police officers used to come to my primary school a couple of times a year to tell us all about how to become good, law-abiding citizens. For the first few years this was fairly run-of-the-mill stuff about road safety. At around Year 5 however it started to get a bit weird. We were getting to the age when kids start being naughty, setting fire to dustbins and stealing sweets from corner shops, and the police officers’ job was to help nip such behaviour in the bud whilst we were still young and impressionable. However, they knew that we were nasty, selfish little sods and that appealing to our morality or sense of social justice would be futile. Instead they opted for trying to scare the shit out of us.

Stealing:

If you steal a packet of sweets from the corner shop, you will get caught. You will get a criminal record - yes, even if you’re only ten years old. This criminal record will make it impossible for you ever to get a job. You will be forced into a life of crime and prostitution and end up homeless, shooting up in alleyways and cursing that fateful day when ten-year-old you kowtowed to peer pressure to be one of the cool kids who steal sweets from the corner shop. IS IT REALLY WORTH THE RISK FOR A PACKET OF JELLY TOTS?

Alternatively, in the unlikely event that you are not caught stealing the jelly tots, the corner shop will be forced to absorb the loss by putting their prices up, and EVERYBODY’S JELLY TOTS WILL BE MORE EXPENSIVE.

Vandalism:

If you draw a childish and entirely unfunny crude drawing of a penis on a wall, you will get caught. You will get a criminal record. See Stealing for further details.

In the unlikely event that you are not caught, don’t think that there will be no consequences. The council will have to paint over your entirely unfunny penis sketch. This will cost money. Your parents’ council tax bill will go through the roof, and YOU WILL NOT GET A SEGA MEGADRIVE FOR CHRISTMAS.

Arson:

If you set fire to things, you will get caught. You will get a criminal record. See Stealing for further details.

Additionally, the fire will get out of control, and you will DIE OF FIRE. In the unlikely event of you not dying of fire, somebody else - probably a baby - will die of fire, and you will spend the rest of your life in jail for MURDERING BABIES.

Alcohol:

Alcohol is POISON. Drink it and you will DIE. In the unlikely event that it doesn’t kill you, you will be very, very ill. Do you think you’ll look cool hugging a toilet? Well, DO YOU? Additionally, you may have to have your stomach pumped. This costs money. Your parents’ taxes will go up to alleviate the strain on the NHS. See Vandalism for further details.

Drugs:

If you smoke a spliff, you will DIE. In the unlikely event that you don’t die, you will get caught, and get a criminal record. See Stealing for further details. In the extremely unlikely event that you neither die nor get caught, you will be forced into prostitution to fund your habit. Then you will DIE OF AIDS.

We liked the police officers though - they had cool uniforms, and got us out of normal lessons for an afternoon. I did feel that they were probably exaggerating things a bit though, and ten-year-old me did indeed get away with stealing sweets, drawing penises on toilet walls and necking my mother’s gin. I still don’t have a criminal record.
(grandmasterfluffles Come to my Armageddon party on, Mon 9 May 2011, 22:48, 10 replies)

Welcome back, fluffles.

( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Mon 9 May 2011, 23:47, closed)

I never left!
Just been lurking for a while...
(grandmasterfluffles Come to my Armageddon party on, Mon 9 May 2011, 23:50, closed)

That's what I meant.

( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 10 May 2011, 20:25, closed)

nice use OF
caps
(Cancer Joy was short lived, Tue 10 May 2011, 2:48, closed)

Excellent as ever.
*click*

(Jelly Tots, though? Blegh.)
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Tue 10 May 2011, 9:19, closed)

Yep
This sort of attempt to shock never really works on kids. I think the best attempt to make us behave ourselves came from our Sex Ed teacher, in the form of total realism: 'Don't rush into sex. It'll be rubbish the first time, and it makes a hell of a mess.'
(SnowyTheWereRabbit the Leporid from Hell, Tue 10 May 2011, 11:05, closed)

I watched that "Inside the Human Body" programme last week,
and it occurred to me then that emphasising terms like "mucus plug" would have quite a strong deterrent effect.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Tue 10 May 2011, 11:17, closed)

Videos of childbirth
That could be used quite effectively to put kids off (or at least emphasize the importance of contraception) too.
(SnowyTheWereRabbit the Leporid from Hell, Tue 10 May 2011, 11:36, closed)

Or that Chumbawamba album cover.

( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Tue 10 May 2011, 19:22, closed)

When we got a visit from a police officer (in preschool), all he did was talking about how to not to get killed in traffic, and then he showed us what we really wanted to see: His gun (with the bullits out, of course).
(Robotnik, Tue 10 May 2011, 13:31, closed)