Orchestra Conductors
So. Conductors are usually meant to be respected by the people they're waving their arms at, which is all well and good. Or it would be, except... You know all that weird workplace-speak that makes no sense? When you have a score in front of you, it gets weirder...

"Play it like a pirate slag!"
"There's not enough depth to this. I need a bigger bottom."
"Don't ignore me just because I have a bendy baton!"
"I keep meaning to tell the bassoons off for playing badly, but every time I look up they're smiling at me. I don't have the heart to destroy the happiest section in the orchestra!"
"Trumpets, you.... hm. You're all dressed the same, white t shirts and jeans. If only your playing was as synchronised."

Counting in:

"One two three FOUR PLAY!"
"One two ohhh shit!"
"One, two..." **smacks the first violin round the head with the baton** "Raise your bow, dammit!"

Plain odd:

"Clarinets, make it dark. Make it like ebony. But blacker, smoother, like black glass. If black glass was a sound. Play that." **clarinets play, orchestra is stopped** "No, no no! Did you not hear a word I said?"

"I need to stop sucking my pencil. Rubbers don't taste nice."

This is only tenuously linked to the question, sorry. Musicians, feel free to add your own. :P
(Sivvus trolley collision in the fruit aisle led to a jam, Thu 8 Jul 2010, 18:35, 3 replies)

dont come back
until you've got your fingers round the hard parts and the sticky bits licked.
( buffet_the_appetite_slayer ٩(●̮̃•)۶ jacked in to the ICE on, Thu 8 Jul 2010, 19:16, closed)

Once had a conductor that stopped, mid-concert...
... to go outside the hall and tell memebrs of the public to stop talking as "we are TRYING to have a concert!"

This was the same man that was on the edge of completion every time there was a crescendo in the music...
( Sonic James Doom forgetting the date since... umm..., Thu 8 Jul 2010, 21:16, closed)

Mrs Spark
Plays in an orchestra, she once had the conductor keep increasing the speed of the music till it was as fast as everyone could play. Then as they reached the creshendo of the piece he just walked off stage and left.
(Psymon_Spark Jesus Saves! The rest of you take 4d6 damage, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 9:44, closed)