Disabled
Yep - I am a fully-paid-up member of the spaz fraternity. It's quite obvious by looking. The crutches are a bit of a giveaway. Keep the crutch jokes; I've heard them all before. I was perfectly healthy until the age of 18, when I was in an accident. In the 5 1/2 years intervening, I've learnt a lot of new stuff about the world.

For example, on Friday, I met my fiance from work and took the train home with him. The train pulled in as we were only just reaching the platform, so we had to hurry as best we could to catch it. From behind me, I can hear "Love! Scuse me, love! Scuse me! Love, can I get by? Scuse me, love!" Now, as we're all going for the same train, we're all going to catch it. In a display of consideration, my fiance moves to let this Jeremy-Kyle-reject-mouth-breather through. She's got sixteen kids in tow, and is a genuine Waynetta. This isn't pure snobbery, mind - I grew up in a one-parent family and we still managed to wash our hair and sponge the stray food off our clothes. As soon as she gets past me, Waynetta clocks my stick and starts bellowing to her kids "Oi! Hold the door for the lady! Chardonnay, hold the door for the lady!", then turns to me and starts with the "will you be alright, love?" I've been catching this train for 3 1/2 years, I know I'll get on it safely and in time. As we draw level with the door her kid is holding, I walk straight by, to the next carriage and get on there. Somewhere in the distance, I hear Waynetta go "Oh!", apparently surprised that the poor, vulnerable, useless cripple has rejected her kind offer and displayed some self-directed thinking.

I know she was trying to do what she understood to be the right thing, and I know she was genuinely trying to help, but I am actually capable of catching a train, opening a door, dressing and feeding myself without the assistance of anyone else. I think a lot of people don't know what to do for the best when confronted with someone like me, possibly even some b3tans, but take it from me: assume nothing, ask "is there anything I can do to help?" and if we say no, leave it.

My big problem with discrimination is that people assume I'm incapable. I've got a spazzy leg - my brain's fine, that's how come I managed to complete a three-year Honours degree. Potential employers seem to assume I'll want lifts and ramps installed and take two of every three working days off sick and then sue them if they so much as look at my stick - I've never lost a day due to my leg, apart from 10 days after my most recent operation, which a nurse forced me to take and I didn't actually want. Still, at every single job interview I attend, I'm asked about it. The Equality Bill makes this illegal, but it can't force them to hire me. I believe this is why I've been unemployed for the last 18 months.

When I started learning to drive, I was asked "are you sure you should be doing that? Are you sure you're alright to?" (by my own mother-in-law, no less). The DVLA says I'm fine, won't even limit my license to an automatic, even though I freely admit that's all I can drive (can't use a clutch, you see)

Worse even than all of this is the news story that broke early last year - 70 per cent of people surveyed said they'd never, ever even consider having sex with a disabled person, and 25 per cent said they'd think about it but might not do it. WOO! 3 per cent of the population would sleep with me! Just as well I'm engaged. Admittedly you have to take into account the individual person's impairment, but for 70 per cent to dismiss it out of hand is ridiculous. Seriously, you won't get put on a register or anything. You might even enjoy it.

Apologies for length and lack of funnies - this is a serious QOTW.
(Trauma, Sun 4 Apr 2010, 12:25, 18 replies)

I must admit
That when I was on crutches, I was grateful for all the help that I could get, though I might have looked like I was struggling.

Was the poll just about physically disabled people? Because there sure are a lot of schizophrenics / blind / deaf people getting laid.
(Iggy Pop's Teeth, Sun 4 Apr 2010, 13:48, closed)

This is the thing...
the poll didn't specify physically disabled, or mentally ill, or someone with a sensory impairment. It just said "disabled". The results are a testimony to the fear of that word, and people's assumptions about what a disabled person is. There's a world of difference between, for example, Joey Deacon and any of the many, many people who experience mental ill-health - which includes members of my own family. It's very much the same school of thought that says "all disabled people use wheelchairs, they must do or they're not disabled". Basically, ignorance. And bearing in mind that only about 27 per cent of disabled people are born with their impairment, that's a lot of healthy people becoming disabled and losing out.

To be fair, I don't mind some help sometimes - when I drop stuff on the floor and can't bend to lift it, for example, which is made even more complex by having only one hand free to use (obviously, the other is holding on to my stick). What I resent is people who can scarcely able to take care of themselves and their own kids patronising me and asking if I can do something that I've never struggled with at all.
(Trauma, Sun 4 Apr 2010, 16:13, closed)

Can't you get a car with some sort of hand control?
I knew a bloke with a false leg, who had paddle thingies fitted under the steering wheel to operate (I think) accellerator and brake. Alternatively, do what Douglas Bader did-swap the pedals round to the most convenient layout. Caused his mechanic a few brown trouser moments, I think he swapped the brake and accellerator :O
( Greenbat, Sun 4 Apr 2010, 13:52, closed)

^^
I hope you are joking as surely this is EXACTLY what she means. Just because she has a bad leg doesn't mean she can't figure out ways around it
(Studentken is looking for motivation on, Sun 4 Apr 2010, 14:11, closed)

Thank you. You get it.
My LEFT leg is the one which is problematic. My RIGHT leg is fine, if slowed down somewhat due to sharing the muscles in the small of my back with the left one. My left leg is weak and very painful, so I can't depress a clutch to biting point. My right leg is fine, so I can brake and accelerate like anyone else. My arms are more toned than most women I know, because of having to lift my own bodyweight when I try to move. Therefore I can steer, indicate and use gearstick and handbrake like anyone else. Given that the only real problem is with my clutch leg, I can use an automatic and be as good a driver as anyone else - and, eventually, better than some, I hope. In a few months when I get my full license, I can walk into any car showroom and drive out in any automatic I like - and given that my automatic license also covers semi-automatics with flappy-paddle gearboxes, I can drive Aston Martins if the desire takes me.

As an aside, I've loved learning to drive. There are some days when I can't make it to my kitchen to stand and make lunch, and have to drag myself upstairs when I have to pee, which is a bit crap when you don't get much warning. But if I can get outside and into my instructor's car, I can find an A road and do 70mph. You don't appreciate freedom of movement until you've lost it.

Spinal injuries are nasty shit. You only get one spine - don't fuck with it too much.
(Trauma, Sun 4 Apr 2010, 16:27, closed)

The bloke I was on about
Had lost his right leg, hence the throttle/brake thingy. Merely pointing out you don't have to use autos.
I was thinking about a similar problem a few weeks back y'see. Mate of mine got offered a motorbike he didn't want, but had an idea of building a trike for his mate with his left leg missing. We were trying to figure out how to do the gearchange (for those who don't know, on bikes you usually have the gear lever on a foot pedal, and the clutch on the left hand). Then a few days later I went to look at a bike owned by another bloke with dodgy legs. He'd swapped the back brake a gear lever round on all his to make life easier. Sadly the trike project came to nothing, as the donor bike was utterly, utterly knackered.
I find mechanical problems like this very interesting, I'm not trying to suggest you can't figure it out.
( Greenbat, Sun 4 Apr 2010, 19:47, closed)

Now Hold On..

Would it really have hurt you to nod and say "Thanks but no thanks" as you passed the chav by? Misguided she might have been but that's no excuse for fucking rudeness.

Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Sun 4 Apr 2010, 15:10, closed)

Sorry Legless...
my problem was that she'd demanded in loud and coarse tones that I get out of her way, and as soon as as realised I wasn't as fit as her, she started trying to do everything she could to make sure I got on the train. I was quite capable; even if her heart was in the right place, it's still quite unpleasant to have someone assume you're incapable when you're visibly doing quite well. It was the quick change that got me - around here, someone can call you 'love' and make it an insult, and then proceed to be cloyingly helpful once they realise how it is. I find it quite embarrassing. It's the same deal as people who ask "what have you done to yourself?", assuming I've sprained an ankle and will have an entertaining story. I find it quite personal, attention like that from total strangers, and it freaks me out a little - even the special attention, since I don't need it and I'm not used to it.

It's like people who are, for example, introduced to a black bloke and then start talking about how much they love The Supremes. This happens to a family friend, Kevin, quite regularly. It's an embarrassing effort to show how 'okay' you are with something, and it makes me cringe.

To be fair, I probably was rude, but I didn't trust myself to say anything. They changed my medication recently, and I've been this close [--------] to murder all week. She got the idea as it was.
(Trauma, Sun 4 Apr 2010, 16:38, closed)

it's hard
I've been on both sides of it. Was on and off crutches for years after a serious accident when I was 13 and in a wheelchair (albeit only for a couple of months

Yes, the stares (people really do stare at you in a wheelchair, you'd think they'd never seen one) and constant jokey comments are irritating, but people do quite reasonably assume that crutches are just a temporary thing - that you've had a recent accident and you need help - cos that's what they're mostly used for.

So yeah, I get it. It's grating. But people mostly are just trying to be nice and maybe you should give them a break. It could be a lot worse (like the boy at school who thought it would be funny to loosen the screws on my crutches during a lesson, so when I got up and tried to leave they collapsed under me and I went crashing to the floor, dislocating my knee. That was the one and only time I've ever cried just out of despair at the pointless mundane cruelty of people.)

Got a bit emo at the end but I hope you get my point.
(jennymnemonic, Sun 4 Apr 2010, 22:25, closed)

As annoying as Waynetta might have been...
some of my friends who have young kids often go a bit over the top to help out people that might need it - it's setting a good example to the kids as much as trying to help you out.

Give her some credit!
(Sloppy Giuseppe, Sun 4 Apr 2010, 15:42, closed)

Well, of course...
and I'm sure I'd be first to tut and sigh if she let her kids stay on the priority seating on the bus rather than making them move. It was just the fuss she made over it was quite embarrassing in the end.
(Trauma, Sun 4 Apr 2010, 16:39, closed)

Hmm, tricky one this...
As mentioned above, it wouldn't have killed you to thank Waynetta - indeed, (as also mentioned) at least she's trying to set a good example to her kids.

The reason so many people don't know what to say or how to treat disabled people is because they haven't had enough practice. The vast majority of people know more "able-bodied" (crap term I know but I can't think of a better one at the moment) people than disabled - hence when faced with someone who's "different" for whatever reason, be it disability, language, ker-azy multi-coloured mohawk, whatever, become a bit tongue-tied. Add into that the discrimination card, and you have a recipe for people saying the wrong thing.

Should I ever meet you I can pretty much guarantee that I won't say "Is there anything I can do for you?", as personally I'd worry that if I asked someone that they'd think I was being patronising, but I might well hold a door open or ask if you need a hand carrying a bag if you look like you're struggling - I hope it won't offend you too much, as that certainly won't be my intention :)
(Professor Kenny Martin Hmm? What?, Sun 4 Apr 2010, 16:06, closed)

This is a pretty good standpoint
It's very, very helpful to offer assistance to people who look like they're struggling. It's when I'm doing fine I sort of resent being asked. A lot of this is stroppy cripple syndrome, but I know from posting on other boards that it's not just me.

I wonder if now people are beginning to understand why I'm also known as Trauma. It's not just a medical joke.
(Trauma, Sun 4 Apr 2010, 16:43, closed)

People are strange
I've had a few sessions on crutches, due to various ops on my legs. I've had the same thing as Trauma: they ignore you until they spot the crutches.

One interesting experience was when I had to ask a young guy to let me sit down. He had seen the sticks, and then looked away. I spoke to him, and he jumped up and apologised profusely. Embarrassment?

OTOH, on the same bus the following week I got "Fuck off you spacker". Quickly sorted by leaning forward and murmuring:

"Give me your seat, or I'll give you a set of these. And then I'll go to your house and fuck your mum up the arse".

I'm not a nice man.

*click*
(all my scars face forward possesses 2.5% of a hyperalloy combat chassis, Sun 4 Apr 2010, 16:57, closed)

In regards to that survey thing
Personally, I am very uncomfortable around people with mental disabilities. Could probably explain why with enough psychobabble, but, really, I don't have to account for it. It's just how I am, and I don't see it changing anytime soon.

Can't even imagine what could cause someone to be biased against something like a bad leg, though...
(Legion, Mon 5 Apr 2010, 3:37, closed)

That's generally what you end up having to do when you
explain any of your disability-related problems: you end up being embarrassed, and having to be contrite.

But you know what? It's fucking annoying experiencing a sea change in the way people react to you. My dad was a fit army man but got a serious head injury, so he experienced it first hand. But it's something I've only had to experience gradually, what with slowly improving mobility/general ability to do stuff since birth. Here's how it works:

Total dependence on a wheelchair: everyone goes out of their way to be nice, apart from some twats who throw rocks at you and call you 'spacker' and some idiots who lean over you and think only the person pushing you can talk and accessing any facilities whatsoever, with people often quite blase about which facilities are accessible and which aren't. DOES ANYONE CARE? Honest.

Wobbling obvious-crippledom: people are nice to you on the face of it, and then ditch you once it becomes obvious you're slowing them down; certain people still go out of their way to help, but it wears really thin as you start working out how to do stuff; certain hardnuts - PE teachers, mostly - make a point of humiliating you in public, which is great. ALL I AM IS A PERSON! JUST TALK TO ME LIKE YOU WOULD YOUR MATES.

Medium un-coordination: people start denying you have any disability whatsoever; parents move their kids out of your way because they think you're the local paedophile; hardliners shout at you if you use the disabled seats on the bus. PISS OFF I HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO SIT HERE! I'M NOT INTERESTED IN YOUR KIDS. I HATE KIDS.

Good days: people treat you like they would treat others, except when you EVER mention you have a disability, in which case they either start bumbling around and saying "Oh... erm... I'd never have guessed", or they get really angry and tell you about a member of their family who is much more disabled than you are and start shouting "how can YOU say YOU'RE disabled?!", meaning you become the Incredible Hulk and injure them badly. DIE.

It's true - even if you've had a disability for 25 years, once you reach a certain point you lose the right, in the eyes of the public, to be disabled.

It's as if everything you fought for was a lie.
(sjflangehound, Mon 5 Apr 2010, 6:37, closed)

these replies are a testament
to the fact that disability can be just as damaging psychologically as physically, as you intimated Trauma.

I have had chronic back pain for 8 years since 18, has been an absolute bitch and ruined a lot of things for me. Find myself getting bitter when I look on Facebook and see all my friends, old and new, doing nice things together, or having a good time in photos, and I get jealous. If my back didn't fuck up I could have been there, if I wasn't sore all the time that could have been me, it should have been me.

Which is, of course, silly. Can't change what you did, or who you are, just have to get on with it. Doesn't make it easy some days. Sorry, I needed to type that out, been getting a bit much recently. I say! I nearly started crying!

I think you are in an unluckier than normal position having crutches, as someone said, people usually assume it is a temporary illness and therefore one they can relate to. It's important to not get bitter about people trying to help you, however hard it is, but I guess you know this and it was a semi cathartic rant like mine.
(Lannes, Tue 6 Apr 2010, 0:37, closed)

i know what you mean
but mine is a bit different. as people can't tell i'm disabled unless i tell them, i often get called lazy, clumsy, stupid or a combination of all three. if i'm having a bad day and am in pain, i WILL sit in the elderly/disabled seats at the front of the bus. if you're 60, healthy and i've just seen you running for the bus, don't be surprised when i refuse to give up my seat for you. they're not just for the elderly, read the fucking notice!
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Tue 6 Apr 2010, 1:34, closed)