Food discrimination
This weekend Ms Foxtrot and I returned to the homestead to visit my parents. On the Saturday night we went to a local Italian restaurant for a meal for my sister's birthday. 7 of us ordered meat, or meat with pasta, or meat on a pizza, with a starter of meat.

Ms Foxtrot is a vegetarian.

She is also not keen on the effect that wheat has on her insides and so scoured the menu for an appropriate dish. In an Italian restaurant. Let's be honest, if it hasn't got tits or tyres the Italians aren't interested and they like their food to spring directly from something that used to have a face to help perpetuate the bullshit superhuman sexual prowess image that they've cultivated for themselves. Oh, and I say "restaurant", this is Piccolo's in Arnold (named, rumour has it, for Rimmer and retaining many of his more winning characteristics).

So she asks if the tricolore salad (tomato, mozzarella and avocado with a basil vinaigrette) can be beefed up (sorry) to constitute a main course. Of course-a, they say, no problem-a, excessive hair gel, football, other xenophobic stereotypes. The salad cost £4.50. I can't wait to see this. And they did not disappoint.

Well, they didn't disappoint me, but I know Arnold. Ms Foxtrot was served a quartered tomato, a sliced mozzarella and half a sliced avocado. I know it was a half because a bit had gone brown where it had been sat in the fridge. Those ingredients would cost about £1.19. The basil vinaigrette was missing entirely, which on this form came as something of a relief.

What kind of sick world do we live in where a gluten intolerent vegetarian can't get a sumptuous and exquisitely composed meal for £4.50 in a slightly shit restaurant catering to the inhabitants of a town which consists mostly of chavs, slightly to the north of the gun crime capital of Britain?

It's political correctness gone nowhere at fucking all. Shocking.

Apologies if this isn't funny. I thought I'd give "100% true" a try. All feedback welcome, including "your real life is not humourous, make more stuff up"
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 6 Apr 2010, 14:33, 25 replies)

Hooray for shit Italian restaurants
I once paid £7 for half a tin of Heinz Ravioli in "Ill Bottelinos" in Bristol.
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Tue 6 Apr 2010, 14:38, closed)

Hahahahahahahaha!
Sorry.

Mr Quar sometimes visits Scotland, where he's eaten haggis, which is carried into the dining room from the kitchen on a tray and paraded around in front of appreciative American customers.

Meanwhile, the chef's opening tins of haggis and sticking it in the microwave.
(Juan Quar is clinging to her front teeth on, Tue 6 Apr 2010, 14:57, closed)

Ah, that doesn't bode well for the haggis I ate in Scotland then.
dammit, is it too much effort to stuff a sheeps stomach?
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Tue 6 Apr 2010, 15:27, closed)

your real life is not humourous, make more stuff up

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 6 Apr 2010, 14:43, closed)

As I pressed "post this message"
I thought to myself 'you know Darth, only two things in B3ta are guaranteed. One, that someone will post "your real life is not humourous, make more stuff up", and two, that person will be Vipros'

Although with hindsight I should have put that in the story itself
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 6 Apr 2010, 14:45, closed)

you're a horrible bastard
I almost put "your real life is not humourous please go away"

not sure why I didn't
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 6 Apr 2010, 14:52, closed)

Awww...
you love me
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 6 Apr 2010, 14:55, closed)

not with that hair
you colossal bumder
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 6 Apr 2010, 14:56, closed)

You haven't seen my new hair
It's unbelievably heterosexual
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 6 Apr 2010, 15:00, closed)

I don't believe you

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 6 Apr 2010, 15:01, closed)

DAMN
How do you see through my lies so easily? *sobs*
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 6 Apr 2010, 15:04, closed)

it's apparent to the trained eye that you would be incapable of sporting a heterosexual haircut
even the most hetero of cuts (the billy-ray cyrus) would look positively camp on you.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 6 Apr 2010, 15:07, closed)

At least I don't look like my chin's attempting a full Blessed

(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 6 Apr 2010, 15:13, closed)

hah
I could only dream of a beard of that magnitude
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 6 Apr 2010, 15:15, closed)

Exactly
You're not MAN enough for a Blessed. You can only manage a paltry chinflange
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 6 Apr 2010, 15:20, closed)

'tis true, 'tis true
*hangs head*

it got some appreciation at the weekend though, so I'm happy.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 6 Apr 2010, 15:22, closed)

I am genuinely terrified
as to what form that may have taken
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 6 Apr 2010, 15:25, closed)

THEN I WILL LEAVE YOU IN THE DARK WITH YOUR TERROR
I didn't mean to have caps on for that, but it seems apt, so I'll leave it.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 6 Apr 2010, 15:28, closed)

To be fair, it was very nearly me.
(Falstaff's Spiritual Successor, Tue 6 Apr 2010, 14:54, closed)

I think it was very nearly several hundred people
I just got there first.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 6 Apr 2010, 14:56, closed)

Damn you etc etc
I was also considering 'your real life is fairly humorous, but she should have shat herself.'
(Falstaff's Spiritual Successor, Tue 6 Apr 2010, 15:05, closed)

thats not prejudice
just a shit restaurant, what no mushroom risotto, anti pasti, melanzane, minestroni soup? (all without wheat) I have been veggie for 20 years and have never had a problem with a good italian owned restaurant just lazy and shit ones.
(nimrodihnio making gravy for one., Tue 6 Apr 2010, 14:55, closed)

You're absolutely god damn right
but you've clearly never been to Arnold. Well done, keep it up
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 6 Apr 2010, 14:59, closed)

That's why I don't go to restaurants anymore
I'm not a bad cook and it just pisses me off when I pay £10 or more for a plate of microwaved shite when for the price of one meal I can make a delicious meal for 4 and have enough left over for a few more meals. If the food is good I have no problem with paying for it but it makes me mad when they charge silly amounts for reheated muck. There was a pub near me that used to be fantastic, then they advertised a new menu, leaflets through the door, ads in the paper etc so we decided to go as we lived pretty much next door. I knew something was wrong when I asked for potatoes instead of chips and they said that it wasn't possible. That could only mean that the plate comes ready made and gets a quick blast in the microwave. Never went there again.
(Wagane, Tue 6 Apr 2010, 17:11, closed)

Wheat allergy and a veggie?
And she still went to an Italian with you? Must be love!
(The Boy Monders I have ginger bits in my beard., Tue 6 Apr 2010, 16:02, closed)