Miggymans guide to slacking off in the Office.
Procrastinating. Isn't that what we spend most of our lives doing? Just filling the time. Avoiding having to get knee deep in some boring work, hoping it will go away at 5pm?

Slacking off in the office is something that is done by many. Those that are known slackers, are simply stupid and are yet to realise that slacking is a skill and an artform.

As a self pronounced professional office procrastinator, I will share with you just some of my many secrets:

Look busy! If anyone ever asks if youre busy, the answer is Yes! It makes you less approachable and people will always assume that youre always busy. If you have the sort of Office job that I do, where you can get away from not being at your desk for a while. Then that is to be taken advantage of to the fullest. But not too much, otherwise you will become someone whos "Never at their desk" which makes people wonder where you actually are. Its all about balance. You can slack off when youre at your desk as much as when youre not.

If you are sat browsing the net. Always have a standby window ready to switch onto which looks like some report, a database etc. Always have in mind something to say if you get the illucid question of "What are you working on at the moment?" The last thing to do is to stutter at this point, otherwise its damn obvious to the boss that you weren't working.

If issues come up, save them up. Even if you have resolved them. Remember them. Because during team talks you can bring them up. "Oh so and so has a problem with this" Then after the meeting, bugger off for a while and come back saying you sorted it. Even if you sorted it the day before. Everyone then thinks that the issue just arose and you just did it. Ie, you have been working, and youre busy! Of course over exagerate the issue, to make out it was a bigger problem and a bigger fix than what it was really.

If you fancy dissapearing from your desk, but have nothing to do. Then get up and head out whilst sighing and muttering to yourself "Urgh, this will be a laugh a minute." As if you just got an email with something really bad to sort out. Bugger off for a coffee. Then come back sighing again that youre glad its sorted. You can then put the icing on the cake, by offering anyone if they fancy a coffee as you now really need a break. (Just dont go to the same coffee shop!) The last thing you need is some over friendly staff coming out with quips like "Wow you need more coffee already?"

Arrive 2 - 3 minutes late for work every day. The odd minute is barely noticed. But it sure adds up. 3 minutes a day is 15 minutes a working week. Thats 13 hours a year! Congratulations you just earned 2 extra days off work a year, and no one will even notice.

Sickies, yes pull them every now and again. If youre lucky enough to never really fall ill. Then you can get away with 2 instances of 2 days off in one year. Try and do these mid week, as you might get accused of extending a weekend! Of course for extra authenticity complain youre feeling rubbish a day or even two days before.

If someone asks you to do something, say youre busy and their task will take time. Tell them you'll do it within a couple of days then do the easy 10 minute job later on that day. They'll be really happy with you. Remember, Under Promise, and Over Deliver! If you jump onto something right away, they will expect it all the time.

Be creative, be different each time. Don't overly take the piss, otherwise you'll get caught slacking off. Once a slacker always a slacker they say. Never get that reputation! You can do all this and expect bonuses and pay rises!



Finally, if youre sat in an office bored on your own, and dont have people looking over your screen and just need to pass boring office time. Then Office PCs can provide you with plenty of fun. Even if particularly locked down by the evil sysadmins. Try the following things to do:

The Word Theasaurus game: Think of two words unrelated to each other, then search the first word in the theasaurus. Click through all the suggestions and try and get to your second word.

Flight sim in Office 97: If you have old systems and still running Excel 97, theres a little hidden flight sim that'll amuse for 10 minutes. Go Google Excel 97 easter egg and you'll find it. Dunno if theres any in new versions, Google is your friend.

Free Internet: Some anonymiser proxies might get through company firewall so you can facebook all day long without being noticed. Also if Remote Desktop port is open. Set up remote desktop on your home PC and remote into it from work. You can browse and MSN totally undetected. If youre running a laptop, have a look for any open wireless networks nearby. If none open, grab hold of Backtrack 3 and crack a wepped one. You can browse the net then without it being traced.

Extra Solitaire Fun: Improove the excitement of solitaire by trying to beat it before an event happens. Ie before the next person goes to the water cooler. Or something else that frequently randomly happens in your eye shot. Also works with minesweeper etc.

Stress Test the PC: Try your hardest to crash your PC. Run as many apps as you possibly can and watch the baby grind to a halt. 200 copies of word later and im still going woo hoo :)


There any many more, reply to the thread with more office slacking and PC Procrastination threads.

P.S Couldnt be bothered to spell check it, sorry for mis speelings.
(Miggyman, Sat 15 Nov 2008, 14:37, 3 replies)

sounds a lot like hard work to me
couldn't be bothered with all that planning and scheming

i work in a creative department - unless we are bonkers busy we are pretty much explected to doss around the web and play unreal tournament

and there is rarely anything in between, bonkers busy or fuck all to do

laters
( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Sat 15 Nov 2008, 15:49, closed)

One I use
Is if I pop out on an errand (drop off a patient, get milk etc) I'll go to Tesco or somewhere. I used to come straight back and everyione said "Gosh you were quick", so now I kill time and no one comments.
(kitescreech still here, Sat 15 Nov 2008, 21:47, closed)

When you said
drop a patient off I thought it was a euphemism for taking a dump!
(Fuckarma was masturbating into your handbag, Tue 18 Nov 2008, 12:35, closed)