It's always the quiet ones...
... and Jane - my first serious girlfriend - was a prime example of this rule. When we initially got together I had believed she was a shy, retiring type, ideal for taking home to meet your mother. So I was pleasantly surprised when, as the relationship progressed, Jane revealed a side to her more deviant than my 17-year-old mind had ever dreamed.

She was insatiable, and for a while we would grab every possible opportunity to go at it, working our way through the rooms of our respective parents' houses, including a disappointingly tricky time attempting to stay atop her washing machine on a spin cycle.

That particular time almost ended up with us getting interrupted by her parents, as their greetings from arriving home were drowned out by both the whine of the machine and my whines from trying to cling onto both Jane and the washing machine.

Nearly shattering her parents' illusions about the delightful young girl they had raised worried Jane enough that she decided that the rest of her parents house was now out of bounds to us.

Fearing that confining our relationship solely to the bedroom would lead to our sex life becoming as predictable as a game of Hide and Seek with the Fritzls, I suggested to Jane that we experiment a little with the outdoors lifestyle.

The next few weeks (being summer) were spent happily exploring the darker corners of the local parks, playgrounds and - memorably - bus shelter.

The novelty was beginning to wear off, until a whole new world of opportunity was opened to me - the boss of my summer job needed a delivery making to London, and so - deeming me to be more trustworthy than was probably wise - lent me the company Escort van for the afternoon, on the understanding that I made the delivery and brought it back the next morning.

The journey in and out of London proved quicker than expected, and so I turned up at Jane's house mid-afternoon with a glint in my eye, keen to show off my new "company car" and explore the local area.

We set off into the countryside, my adolescent mind racing as I tried to decide where - and indeed how - it would be best to take Jane. We hadn't driven far before Jane started caressing the inside of my thigh, and then with a mischievous grin, she bent to my lap and proceeded to give me an expert blow job.

Having only recently passed my test, I was still relatively conversant with the finer points of the Highway Code and was pretty confident that I was no longer driving with due care and attention. I therefore parked up quickly in the first layby I could find, and we climbed into the back of the van, eager to pick up where we had left off in the front.

Finding the back of an Escort van to be surprisingly dark and cramped, we awkwardly attempted to find a suitable position, without much initial success. I thought I had finally hit the jackpot when we shifted around and Jane instantly started screaming.

Unfortunately, Jane's screams were less to do with my lovemaking prowess, and more to do with the fact that I had accidentally released the handbrake whilst shifting positions, and we were now rolling at increasing pace down the road, and veering towards the stream running alongside.

It is with some regret that I have to say the first thing I instinctively grabbed for was the steering wheel rather than the handbrake.

It is with even more regret that I am able to confirm that the time it takes to release the steering lock on a 1997 Escort van is slightly longer than the time it takes for the same vehicle to swing across the road, mount the embankment, plunge through a hedge and down the other side into a stream.

First time post - be gentle!
( TheMagicDwarf is back like ballroom dancing, Thu 23 Apr 2009, 16:12, 11 replies)

classic
'would lead to our sex life becoming as predictable as a game of Hide and Seek with the Fritzls'

Brilliant!

*Click*
(Eggstrovert isnt patronising you...honest..., Thu 23 Apr 2009, 16:36, closed)

CLICK
I now need a new keyboard due to spilling water all over it :):)
(Bermuda_import Beach party this weekend, Thu 23 Apr 2009, 16:57, closed)

Excellent first post...!

Welcome to B3ta!

With quality like this post, you'll make a first class addition to our squalid ranks!

*click*
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Thu 23 Apr 2009, 17:26, closed)

Absolutely
will you tell him about the initiation ceremony, or will I?

*unzips*
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Fri 24 Apr 2009, 0:27, closed)

That's a beauty
*click*
( chart cat has an itch, Fri 24 Apr 2009, 6:29, closed)

Arrrghh
I want to know what happens next!

What did your boss say? More importantly, how did you explain it to him?!

*clicks*
(jackhiggs no longer a v!rgin as of..., Fri 24 Apr 2009, 18:07, closed)

The boss
didn't actually say too much - I managed to get towed out of the stream (back through the hedge), and the damage to the van stretched no further than a cracked number plate.

He never did let me borrow the van again though...
( TheMagicDwarf is back like ballroom dancing, Sun 26 Apr 2009, 10:51, closed)

Nicely written...
... and a great first post. I shall look forward to reading more by your good self.

*click*
(Rotimer was micturating windward at, Sat 25 Apr 2009, 14:31, closed)

Took me a while to get round to reading this...
but well worth the wait. Nicely written, matey - fuckin love it!
( SpankyHanky, Wed 29 Apr 2009, 16:20, closed)

Found this late too
But clicked extra hard in recompense.

Welcome, and see you around.
(E-mail Zola Son of Che, Thu 30 Apr 2009, 12:24, closed)

Whoops
I meant to leave that message from me - not him. Silly me.
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Thu 30 Apr 2009, 12:28, closed)