PLEASE, PLEASE DON'T CALL ME...
A short while before I split up with my previous girlfriend, Emma, a wonderful thing happened. Something that cheered me up no fucking end.

I got a new phone. Fucked if I know what make or type it was, what with be being a bit of a technophobe; if somebody strikes a match near me I usually throw myself on the ground and start praying at their feet. But it was a little phone. It had FIFA footie on it. It was fucking perfect.

Emma and I are on the tube, hurtling down the Victoria Line, bouncing round the carriage wishing to fuck we had crash helmets and knee pads.

Its late, a week night, so its pretty damn quiet, we've got the end section of the carriage to ourselves. We'd been out drinking in a Turkish bar just round the back of Goodge Street and were feeling a little uninhibited.

Emma stokes my ear and starts rimming the lobe with her tonge.

"Gettoff!" I say. As I've found something interesting to do - I'm playing FIFA soccer on my new spangly phone.

Emma persists, she leans into me, watches what I'm doing for a bit, looks at the screen:

"Does that thing have a vibrate on it?" she says, giving my thigh a little squeeze, breathing hot beery breath down my lughole.

OOOOHHHHH!!!! I gettit!!!!

I glanced quickly round the carriage. There were a few other people about, but everyone was pissed and lost in their own thoughts. Fuck it.

I struggle with the phone, put it on silent, then set the alarm to vibrate and it purrs to life in my sweaty palm.

I look at Emma and with absolute fucking excitement and joy realise she's absolutely fucking wasted; completley shit faced. Yes!

ALCOHOL, I FUCKING LOVE YOU!!!

I put an arm round Emma whilst sliding the hand containing the quietly buzzing phone between her thighs. Her legs part slightly, she lifts up her skirt just enough to allow my hand under then places it back down. And I edge up closer to her sweet, hot, sweaty vag.

When I make contact with her clit she goes bright red. Her hand shakes a little as she strokes my face.

God, she's wetter than a penguin!

Fuck it, I think. She's probably gonna sobre up soon.

I gently pull aside her panties, play the phone over her love canyon like a weird kind of sex harmonica, and then I - very gently - push it up inside her.

And she swallows the whole damn thing, Rancor Pit style.

FUCK!!!

Emma's whole lower body starts shaking. She appears to be really enjoying it. Having lost my phone deep inside her cunt-tunnel, I wonder how the hell I'm gonna get it back. I slide my fingers up her, glancing round, trying desperately to grab the vibrating improvised ladywank device. No use - its too far in.

Then Emma grabs my arm tight, she kisses me deeply, and she comes with a little whimper, like a puppy being strangled.

Breathlessly she says: "Turn it off now, Spanky..."

I sort of laugh nervously: "Ermm, I don't think I can..."

"Whaddya mean? Spanky, please - I feel all tingly and I need to calm down a bit."

"Errr, I lost it..."

Then she said something fucking odd. She said:

"Where?"

"I think you know where... It was only small..."

"Oh, fucking marvellous!" said Emma as she appeared to be about to come again.

An angry orgasmic woman is a fucking weird sight. It just seems so fucking WRONG.

Emma stood, using the vertical bars for support - making sure no one was looking - she reached under her skirt and fished round in her fanny.

I have to say, it was fucking sexy.

"Its stuck!" she cried.

And it was.

And it was our stop next.

Eventually, after a bit of walking round Victoria station the phone fell out, plopping free from Emma's wet, dark, sticky cock warmer.

But only after a shedload of late night commuters and party goers thought I was accompanying a young lady who was suffering from the worst case of Parkinsons Disease they'd ever born witness to.
( SpankyHanky, Wed 29 Apr 2009, 10:55, 13 replies)

*goggle eyed grinning like a happy mong*
*clicks*
*clicks*
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Wed 29 Apr 2009, 10:59, closed)

*clicks*...
... for "wetter than a penguin".
( TheMagicDwarf is back like ballroom dancing, Wed 29 Apr 2009, 11:11, closed)

It's Wednesday, and the posts seem to be drying up...

Thank bejingo that we can rely on you to keep firing the gems at us!
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Wed 29 Apr 2009, 11:33, closed)

Reminds me of the time
when me and the Mrs tried out one of those Durex vibrating rings. All went swimmingly and felt quite good (for me at least) until I finished, pulled out and it was nowhere to be seen. It was only when we noticed a slight buzzing sound coming from her lady bits that we realised I had somehow rammed it way up inside her.

Took her ages to get it out. Annoyingly, she refuses to use one anymore.
(Tom Jones's Mojo Hasn't had any since, Wed 29 Apr 2009, 11:35, closed)

You sir.
Are the most depraved, disgusting, wierd and down right adventerous sexual deviant I have ever met.

And I fucking love it.
(Guilt wants to get in your moist confines, Wed 29 Apr 2009, 12:22, closed)

The stories you and Pooflake tell....,
make it questionable whether or not anyone else should even try. Beside buring crazed images into my brain, these stories have made me laugh out loud at work and almost lose total composure while I was supposed to be acting professional on a nationwide conference call.

I bow to your greatness (and worry very much about some levels of your sanity!).
(MichaelS wasn't picked again, Wed 29 Apr 2009, 12:33, closed)

Nice!
Good Star Wars reference too :)
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Wed 29 Apr 2009, 13:07, closed)

The Rancor Pit
Sent me over the edge into obvious officelol territory.

*clicks hard*
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 29 Apr 2009, 15:09, closed)

It's endless
A raging torrent of spunk-fuelled stories. I'm running out of *clicks* you filthy sod.
( chart cat has an itch, Wed 29 Apr 2009, 16:03, closed)

Ruddy, ruddy ruddy hell
I can probably imagine what that must've felt like for the poor lass.

It probably looked a lot funnier though. And for that reason, I click.
(theneet began to cut her hair and long for balls, Wed 29 Apr 2009, 16:17, closed)

Gets my click
thats brilliant!
(Lizard King, Wed 29 Apr 2009, 16:48, closed)

Disturbingly
lol funny, Spanky. heeheehee!
(Hotty, Wed 29 Apr 2009, 16:49, closed)

hahahahaha
Is that one of the new Orange tariffs; dolphins, canary, racoon, panther and rampant rabbit?

*clicks for seriously cheering me up*
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Thu 30 Apr 2009, 1:12, closed)