The adventures of steve the cheese
Steve decided to go into town and celebrate that night.
As Steve propped up the bar he wondered why the owners just didn’t get the bar fixed, this was soon off his mind though as he spotted the famous two handed couple. Now you may be wondering what was so famous about the two handed couple but it was generally down to the fact that they were very famous adult movie stars and they had two hands between them, one each to be exact.

Someone else took over propping the bar up so Steve decided he was going to go over and finally meet his heroes. Not that he’d ever seen any of their films, or video’s on the internet or video clips that he hadn’t downloaded onto his phone, or the screensaver that he didn’t have on his computer or the scrap book of pictures he didn’t have hidden under his bed but he had most certainly seen them in the paper once or twice.

As Steve approached he began to think about how you greet someone who is an amputee. Do you shake hands? What if you put out your right hand and they only have their left hand? Do you wiggle the stump? What if it’s a woman? Do you kiss the end of the stump? Do you lick the inward fold skin dimple? What is the modern day etiquette when it comes to this sort of situation?
Steve decided that he was going to play it safe and not offer a handshake.

“Horris! Dorris! I’m a big fan of yours” Steve said to the two handed couple, as those were their names.
“Its always good to meet a fan” Horris replied and outstretched his hand
Steve was relieved he had been worrying about nothing. Steve stuck out his right hand and shook hands with Horris. He couldn’t help noticing however that Horris had somewhat of a feeble handshake and was therefore a massive quivering bumder.

Steve turned to Dorris and outstretched his right hand once again. Dorris outstretched her right arm. There was no hand.
“Shit!” Steve thought to himself as he retracted his hand.
“Shit! That’s made it even worse.” Digging him deeper into a hole.
However quick as a flash Steve knew how to get out of it which is when the good old childish fake handshake came into play. As Dorris stood there with her stump outstretched, Steve lifted his hand to his face. Placed his thumb on his nose. Stuck out his tongue and then began to wiggle his fingers.
It was the perfect way of getting out of such a predicament. Even though he felt like a twat he decided he would of felt more of a twat if he’d have gone and wiggled the bloody stump (I used bloody as a swear word to add emphasis not because the hand had only been recently amputated).

As the night went on and the drinks began to flow Horris, Dorris and Steve got to know each other better and they were soon good friends. It was Horris’ round and he went to the bar to get the drinks. Steve looked over to Horris who was trying to work out how he was going to carry three drinks. Steve realised his new friend was in a bit of a dilemma so he remembered his manners and shouted over to Horris.
“Horris do you want a hand?”
“Shit!”
Horris laughed at the irony before taking Steve up on his offer.

As they stood around drinking, the live entertainment began to start and onto the stage walked a bearded, middle-aged man with a guitar. The crowd began to applaud and Steve followed suit before falling into a fit of hysterics as he looked next to him to see Horris and Dorris slapping each other’s hand to raise extra applause for the Brian Blessed look-a-like.
Horris and Dorris did not appreciate this from Steve and began to delve into a rant about the difficulties and prejudices they suffer thanks to the fact that they only have one hand each. It was at this point Steve decided his night of celebration was over and he headed for the door.

As Steve began to walk down the high street he noticed his homosexual friend, Max, walking the other way. They stopped and began talking to each other. They had always been good friends but tonight Steve noticed a funny look Max had started to do occasionally.
“I’m dying for a pint, you fancy one?” asked Max.
“Yeah, Sure where shall we go?”
“Maybe we should go to the Prince albert" Max replied with a wink.
”Sure that’s fine by me” Steve replied without a wink.
And with that settled they went to the Kings head and had a pleasant evening.
( Mr Nerdy-Speccy-FuckNuts Ouchy ouchy wa wa!, Mon 9 Feb 2009, 13:21, Reply)