My local is being refurbished.
It's called the "Coventry Arms".

It's an unmitigated shitehole that makes the bar in Mos Isley look like the Ritz. The clientele are, in general, chav scumbags with less teeth than sovereign rings and more money to flash about than their meagre dole cheques would justify. It's a hole full of drunks, wannabe gangsters and their scrawny tattooed girlfriends. It's always been a hole, ever since it opened.

I wondered how they afforded the refurb in these dire days for the licenced trade until I remembered the small squadron of scooter riding DNA wastes that hang around outside, waiting for a couple of the regulars to take a call and then pass small packages to them. They then zim off into the night, returning later with small bundles of cash which they hand over. "Deals on wheels" as they're known locally.

I was accosted by the landlord this very morning, on my way out to work.
"Whaddya think of the new pub plans" he asked, "We're getting new toilets and the lounge is getting new seats and a full makeover, we're even going to do food!" he exclaimed excitedly.

"Well" I replied, "It's going to be an uphill struggle and I hope your contractors are specialists".

"They ARE" he replied.

"Really!?" I said, "I thought "turd polishing" was a dying art".

I think I'm barred and it's not even open yet.

Ah well.
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Wed 11 Feb 2009, 13:07, 3 replies)

Ha!
Well done!!!
( SpankyHanky, Wed 11 Feb 2009, 13:08, closed)

Hmm
You wouldn't like it anyways...
(Beer Elf Thought this was like a campfire, anyhow, on, Wed 11 Feb 2009, 13:27, closed)

Ah, the old 'Tiger Moth'...

Changing it's name to the 'Coventry Arms' didn't do it's shite-house reputation much good did it?

What a delapidated boil on the arse of pub-kind that place is...

But I do have a story about a time when I was in there...

They were blatantly advertising a Man City Vs Man Utd game one time...even though it wasn't on SKY or cable and was a 3pm kick off (one of the pub's many 'attractions' is illegal Turkish TV), when a mate of mine and I decided to check it out.

We walked in to the usual evil stares and threats of death and were preparing to run for the exits...

When all of a sudden their receiver box knackered up and a mini riot ensued.

Amongst the chaos, My mate and I had a word with the poor barmaid, and I was allowed to have a look at the set-top-box.


And I fixed it.

Riot stopped.

Of course, loads of other 'standard' fights kicked off during the match, but my mate and I were left in an untouched semi circle in the eye of the storm, because I was the 'bloke who sorted the telly out'

Nowadays I wouldn't dream of going in there unless there was a Captain Placid to fend off the oiks...

Fancy a pint later CP? (somewhere else, obviously)

*clicks damned hard btw*
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Wed 11 Feb 2009, 13:30, closed)