Dogging with Moses
Been deliberating if I should tell this one...

Oh, well. Fuck it. Here goes -

For a heterosexual fella I've seen far too much cock in my time.

What with playing sports and general arsing about, its only normal to see your mates meat and two veg... (well, I hope it is anyway), flapping about mere centimeters from your face. Though I can swear now in all honesty I've never ever once touched another man's penis. Not when I'm sobre, anyway.

One night when I was living with my mates Ben and Ian, Ian was on the sauce and was absolutely hammered. He always was a fucking lightweight. We got him home then settled down to watch some TV, leaving Ian to fend for himself. We heard him upstairs thumping round. Then we heard him thump down the stairs and hammer about in the kitchen. He was making an awful fucking racket. Our dog, Moses, was barking like he had rabies. Loads of noise.

Then it suddenly went silent. Then Ian screamed. A shirll, girlish scream.

Ben and I rushed into the kitchen to find Ian, stark bollock naked, with his arse lodged firmly in the front loading washing maching. Moses was sat obediently infront of him, wagging his tail.

"Err, what are you doing, Ian?" I enquired.

He tried to fix his eyes on me. He grineed a toothy grin: "I've just had a shit!" He proclaimed. Then he looked nervous: "and now I'm stuck..."

The cunt! Ben and I stood on either side of our drunken housemate, took an arm each, and pulled. And Ian came free and twatted his head on the opposite wall. Fuck Ian, I thought, as he lay on the ground moaning.

I peered into the washing machine. Yep. A great steamy runny beer shit had been planted messily inside.

"I wondered what it would be like to have a shit on the space shuttle," Ian offered as way of explanation.

Ben and I were not happy. Not at all. We took the drunken fucker outside and hosed him down. Ian had managed to smear shit all up his arse and back.

After more girlish screaming, we chucked him on the sofa to let him sleep it off.

Ben put the washing machine on a hot wash to clean it, and appeared in the living room with a can of squirty cheese and a camera.

"We've gotta get some shit on this cunt," he says. And I tended to agree.

So we set about squirting a nice healty dollop of processed cheese over Ian's prostrate sleeping form. Spending more time than was really necessary covering his nads and cock in the gloop.

Then we started taking photos.

Oh, what fun!

The one thing we'd forgotten about was our dog, Moses. Now, Moses was particularly partical to squirty cheese. He padded past us and proceeded to give Ian one of the best blowjobs he'd ever had in his life, judging by the contented noises eminating from Ian's throat and the silly smile on his semi-conscious drunken face. Ian's cock was standing proud, covered in yellow goo and attached to an eger dog's tongue, but proud all the same.

Ben and I glanced at each other, wondering if we should stop this man-and-beast live sex show.

Well, we did. Eventually.

But only because we ran out squirty cheese.

And for his birthday that year Ian got a copy of the Crufts annual.

He had no fucking idea why...
( SpankyHanky, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 16:10, 6 replies)

I expect
I would have clicked anyway.

but 'only because we ran out of squirty cheese' clinched it.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 16:15, closed)

aaaaaaaaaaaaahaha
"Ian's prostate sleeping form" confuses me though.
( whenanimalsattackhumans clad in global hypercolour, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 16:17, closed)

I feel really dirty for having clicked that
But then it's not every day you hear a story as worrying as that...
(LongJohnBaldry, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 16:29, closed)

clicked
but im pretty disgusted and amused all at the same time and i dont like it.
(Save Us All !!!, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 16:39, closed)

I was going to have some cheese just now
but think I won't. You dirty bastard. clicky!
(Grrrrr Tigers, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 20:00, closed)

clicked
"I wondered what it would be like to have a shit on the space shuttle"

- got to love the DrunkLogic(TM).
(The Incredible Sulk Finally remembered his password on, Fri 13 Mar 2009, 2:23, closed)