Oh Lor!
Once upon a time, in a land far, far away, a young barmaid called Sparkie worked long, but honest hours in a local hostelry, dispensing ales, jokes and merriment. Then one day her boss went away,leaving his mad brother in charge. Boss's brother was always full of stories, including how he got away with a five-stretch 'cos the gun wasn't really loaded, how his 2nd wife divorced him on his wedding night, and also, how he knew a bright young prospect in the world of cricket, a young man already playing for his county, and also making himself a 1st choice for England "A"..

Yeah right, we thought, wrongly..For that Friday night, yeah verily, boss's bro did indeed appear at said pub, in the company of the cricketer. This cricketer took a shine to our fair Sparkie, and demanded that she went out drinking with him, after her shift finished, and after much smiling and girlish giggling, Sparkie, impressed by a man in touch with his feminine side said yes.

And off they went, the soon-to-be legend, and his new friend, into the night, well as far as the bar where a jolly lock-in was in progress. After further giggling and drinking, (During which, Sparkie unwisely decided to revert to Snakebite) She turned to her new best friend and said "I'd love to shag your brains out, but I'm to pissed to make a decent fist of it, can we reconvene tomorrow?" and like the Gentleman he was, he agreed with her and walked her home, where she presented him with her G-String, as a token of her esteem which he wore about his neck back to the boozer to continue, she presumed.

Next morning came a knocking on her front door, she came to clutching a pair of silk boxers, and shrugging opened the front door to see the cricketer, looking just as handsome when she was sober, in the daylight. This was too good an opportunity to miss so she dragged him upstairs to her bedroom where they tore their clothes off and did unspeakable acts to each other, which was OK, but she had forgotten what cider can do to a person. And what that smelled like, until after escorting him back into the light, she returned to her bedroom, which now bore an olfactory resemblance to rotten apples, stored next to satan's latrine.In Hell. Oh yes...

Sparkie is very very ashamed, partly because of her runny eyes, so his must have been as bad, but mostly because the cricketer has vanished completely from first class cricket. He played for England one minute, and then disappeared, after Sparkie! If it hadn't been for my appetites we could have stood a chance at international cricket at some juncture...

I can only apologise, but I never did get my pants back....
(Beer Elf Thought this was like a campfire, anyhow, on, Tue 17 Mar 2009, 11:47, 15 replies)

Did he
go on to become an roofer in Australia?
(ragged, Tue 17 Mar 2009, 12:06, closed)

An England cricketer???
I imagine he fumbled round the crease for a short while before he blamed his early departure on a sticky wicket...
( SpankyHanky, Tue 17 Mar 2009, 12:15, closed)

Ooof - good work sir
.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 17 Mar 2009, 12:44, closed)

Wonder if he
took a blow to the helmet?
( stopmeandslapme Cometh the hour, cometh your mum, Tue 17 Mar 2009, 14:08, closed)

I just hope
he removed any pads before he got to work...
( SpankyHanky, Tue 17 Mar 2009, 14:18, closed)

Was he a quickie
and were his deliveries of a full length?
( stopmeandslapme Cometh the hour, cometh your mum, Tue 17 Mar 2009, 14:25, closed)

Could've gone the other way
Had an innings of a couple of hours before retiering with cramp...
( SpankyHanky, Tue 17 Mar 2009, 14:27, closed)

Fuck!
If last weeks QOTW was "puns about cricket", I could have knocked off a quick half century...
( stopmeandslapme Cometh the hour, cometh your mum, Tue 17 Mar 2009, 14:27, closed)

Something something something googly something.
.
(powervator and NONE SHALL PASS, Tue 17 Mar 2009, 14:42, closed)

He showed Sparkie
his googlies and she smacked um into next week???
( SpankyHanky, Tue 17 Mar 2009, 15:04, closed)

Was it your first time?
Maiden over, so to speak?

It takes a gentleman cricketer to see the sense in 'breaking for tea' and coming back to finish the game the next day.
( Scrumper, Tue 17 Mar 2009, 15:09, closed)

*Inserts length joke involving a stump*

(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Tue 17 Mar 2009, 15:10, closed)

did you
manage to catch a full toss in the crease?
(micky2shoes has more shoes than feet, Tue 17 Mar 2009, 19:05, closed)

If she did
she'd have been given out: "handled ball".
( stopmeandslapme Cometh the hour, cometh your mum, Tue 17 Mar 2009, 21:15, closed)

P.S.
@ Ragged, not as far as I know, I saw him at the rugby the other week..

If his batting was the standard of his bedroom antics, even after breaking for bad light, and returning after tea.. he'd still be playing for England now! lol. Your puns are better!

I'd never spotted the connection until my drunken brother pointed it out in a curry house last year..
(Beer Elf Thought this was like a campfire, anyhow, on, Thu 19 Mar 2009, 14:00, closed)