The Day I Almost Committed Murder (or at least manslaughter)
Quite a few years back I had knocked off work early, as young sales reps tend to do. I dropped in at a mates place, which was one of those houses where everyone lived for a while, a week, six weeks, some stayed up to a year but, apart from the main occupant (a mate who’s parents had divorced but, still had money, gave him a house on the beach, no need to work, massive drugs etc etc…) most people didn’t stay long. It had 6 bedrooms and the front yard looked out over a paved walking track and then grass, sand, ocean.

I was hanging out with a mate who was living at the “big house” as it was called for a while and being a day that ended in “Y” we followed tradition and smoked massive drugs and drank massive beer and then inspected my mates newly acquired gold clubs, 2nd hand, but a good set. While punching a few more bongs and one upping each other on our golf prowess, it was agreed to head to the front lawn to “drive a few balls into the water”.

Only problem, I had forgotten that I didn’t know how to play golf. Apart from a few games in my early teens, I hadn’t seen a golf club in 8 or 9 years.

So, I grabbed the driver (the big one) and headed for the front lawn with my mate, who I noticed was carrying a seven iron. We teed up the balls (the grass was a bit long) and old mate clipped a nice 100 odd meter shot high over the edge of the drop off, that lead down to the beach and a fair way out into the water.

Good shot.

I remembered my prowess as a kid, I won every golf day at school, one year I got the double, highest score in golf and space invaders. I addressed the ball (but, didn’t have a stamp) wiggled the golf stick at the small target, checked out to sea for ships and other targets of risk, and hoped there wasn’t the QE2 hiding behind the horizon. Gathered my strength, cleared my mind, and swung at the ball like it was the one chance to get a shot at Chris Brown’s (see earlier stories) teed up testical.

Time stood still for a second, the club connected with the ball at full wacked idiot super power but, not straight on. Now I play a bit of golf, I understand that I probably connected with the ball towards the right hand side of the club face. It left the club like it was fired from a howitzer

At a 50 degree angle to the right,

Snapping the top off a picket in a 4 odd foot high picket fence,

Glancing slightly upwards,

Past the ear of a 7ish year old kid standing on the walking track,
hair ruffleingly close.

And on for about 60 meters, landing on the beach, 30 feet forward and 70 feet away from me.

The anal clenching aguish it caused me as events unfolded coupled with the moment too late to do anything about it stoned drongo clarity is and remains my current bench mark for arse clenching situations and it remains unsurpassed. When the ball missed the poor kid (who remained oblivious to the situation) the rectal relief was like getting to heaven and seeing all of the terrorists in the heaven terrorist gaol who were still pissed off that the seven virgins part actually meant seven silver coins.

Even today, when I think about that moment I still do the unconscious upper body turn to the side, deep breath out and thumb and forefinger rub on the top lip under the nose.

I don’t think my mate even noticed what happened but, it put me off dope for hours.
(bad_advice QOTW survivor from the first trollocost!, Fri 21 Dec 2012, 6:57, 8 replies)

Short version:
You launched your balls at a 7 year old who gave you rectal relief.
(Vigilante Man weeps because you're stupid., Fri 21 Dec 2012, 7:23, closed)

I like this.
Probably makes me a nonce, but at least I'm in good company.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Fri 21 Dec 2012, 11:31, closed)

:D
The OP made me chuckle, and then this did too
( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Fri 21 Dec 2012, 12:19, closed)

What are you?
The relief troll?

While all the other trolls are at Troll Christmas Drinks, you are left to man the boards and come up with this substandard result?

Make a bigger effort or you will be back on the bench.
(bad_advice QOTW survivor from the first trollocost!, Fri 21 Dec 2012, 22:36, closed)

Don't hassle the work experience kid dude!

(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Fri 21 Dec 2012, 23:09, closed)

I'd like to think I intoduced b3ta to the concept of drongo.
You played your shot, it was in the rough, your shout at the 19th mate.

Haven't had a cone in about 3 years and now I really have a hankering to blow a number at my local driving range. No euphemism. Smoke a joint at a driving range (or at least on the way to) and hit some golf balls.
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Fri 21 Dec 2012, 8:17, closed)

I'm sure I used it
back in the Naughties.
(bad_advice QOTW survivor from the first trollocost!, Fri 21 Dec 2012, 22:37, closed)

Take a mulligan then.

(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Fri 21 Dec 2012, 23:05, closed)