Animals: Not To Be Trusted
Every time, and I mean every single time I've been on a horse, I've been thrown off of it.

Cases in point, m'lud:

1) Clacton Seafront, Circa 1988.

Dad, in his worldly wisdom, had decided to use one of his access days to take me to the seaside. After an hour of badgering from yours truly, he finally relented and let me go on a horse ride. These horses were led around an oval by what can only be described as pikeys. My horse stopped to graz at the cud.

The pikey leading the horse behind smacked my horse on the ass (oh, dear). Horse then transferred me from its back to the floor, head-first.

2) Circus, Circa 1989

I was taken to the circus! To cut a long story short, there was this bit where a lady rode around the big top on a shire horse, and then was launched in to the air by means of a rope attached to her waist that went all the way up to the ceiling. She flew through the air with the greatest of ease. Graceful she was. The ringmaster asked which of the boys and girls would like a go on the horse.

I shot my hand in to the air, desperate to be picked, and I was.

My suspicions were not aroused when they affixed a giant leather belt to my waist. Nor were they when they attached a sodding great rope to the belt. I was summarily plonked on to the horse, which set off around the ring at a canter. And then a gallop. And then light speed.

“Now then,” bellowed the ringmaster “slide up on to your knees!”

Had I known the phrase “not fucking likely” at that point, that is what I would have said. After a while, I worked up the backbone, and got to my knees.

“And now…. Stand up!”

Fuck. Off.

They obviously tired of me, as before I knew it the horse was whipped from under me and I was flung through the air. To this day I remember seeing my mother pointing at me and laughing. Cold hearted bitch.

These are the main reasons I am scared of horses.

So what I’d like to know is:

What did animals do to you to cause you fear and misery?

(PS - I am aware that in neither case was the animal itself at fault. But I think they would have done it anyway, given thumbs and the appropriate equipment.)
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Mon 31 Mar 2008, 17:51, 2 replies, latest was 17 years ago)

I've said it once before...
never trust an anything that has a bigger head than you do.

(Not big on horses myself).
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Wed 2 Apr 2008, 10:14, Reply)

Yep
Horses are dangerous. Very very dangerous. Anyone who would voluntarily get on one is a complete crackpot, lunatic, one sandwich short of a picnic, nuttier than a Snickers factory, lights are on but nobody's home. I go riding at every possible opportunity, which I think just proves my point.
(grandmasterfluffles Come to my Armageddon party on, Wed 2 Apr 2008, 17:25, Reply)