Kibbutz Stories
I'm sure there must be plenty of you out there who've spent some time on a kibbutz. Got any funnies to tell?
I spent nearly 2 years on a kibbutz in the mid 1980's and have many, many stories. (I'm sure most of this sites expensively educated readers will know what a kibbutz is, but if you don't then look it up, I can't be arsed to explain). Some funny, some sad, a few downright pornographic, the majority complete bollocks (true bollocks, but bollocks none the less).
Anyhoo...Friday night is Bomb-shelter night (said Bomb-shelter having been converted into a bar for the volunteers). It's about 1.30am and myself and 2 pals from parts foreign, let's call them Lars and Pedro, are wending a weary and weaving path back to our rooms past the cow sheds. Lars, who works with the cows, starts explaining about recently born calves and how they are looked after and why......blah, blah, blah...."and so we feed them from a bottle until they're old enough to eat solids. The little critters will suck on anything put infront of them."
On hearing this, Pedro's ears prick up, "Anything?"
"Yup".
With this he alters direction, staggering off to the calves enclosure while undoing his trousers. "This should be amusing" I thought to myself. And guess what? I was right, but not for the reasons I initially thought.
Pedro stands by the railings, cock out and trying to raise a stiffy while making mooing noises to attract a calf to him. Now, cows are naturally nosey bastards and it wasn't long before one (quite a cute one actually) came over to investigate. Now, Pedro's pissed, but he's not totally stupid. First he offers, let's call her Daisy, his finger and she immediately starts sucking on it. "Oh wow" exclaims Pedro, "That's great". With that he retrieves his finger, slides through the railings into the enclosure and drops his trousers fully. He proffers Daisy his semi-on and she proceeds to start noshing him off. Well, Pedro thinks he's died and gone to Heaven. He's gasping and moaning with pleasure, his bare arse starts twitching in the moonlight and we're thinking it can't last much longer.
And it didn't. Daisy stopped sucking abruptly and then head-butted Pedro hard and fast in the knackers. He screamed, collapsed and rolled around a bit. Me and Lars collapsed in fits of laughter and rolled around a bit until we could catch our breath. Then laughed a bit more. Daisy, unamused at not getting what she thought she was going to get, sauntered off without so much as a backwards glance.
The moral of the story: Don't try and get a calf to suck you off. You see, they have the nasty habbit of head-butting their mother's udders in order to increase the flow of milk. She can take it. A bloke's scrote can't.
Pedro walked weirdly for a couple of days.
(behold the golden sausage has never been bi-curious., Tue 29 Aug 2006, 15:09, Reply)