Im going to perish in my car
she invites me in for a drink and by now theres no hope in hell im going to be able to get up for work so i accept. We end up getting it on and i move off home afterwards, very very drunk and feeling a little wrong.

the next day starts the funniest/scariest week ever.

the texts start around 9am..."I cant believe you ruined my sisters wedding", "how could YOU do this to ME", "i hope you and that slag are happy together". Now maybe I didnt mention but we've been broken up for a month by this point. So whilst she thought i'd cheated on her, I had done nothing of the sort. Apparently me breaking it all off didnt count as she had 'forgiven' me for being so brazen as to want out.

I manage to dodge her all week, but friday night im on msn after a night out and she's still badgering me so I fess up. Hoping shed get over it and realise it was indeed over.

Only the Japanese must know what this kind of fallout is really like, it was like an atomic bomb had been released on my phone but instead of blissful radiation poisoning or a nice swift atomisation I had to endure an endless stream of venomous voicemails, texts and emails.

I turned my phone on around noon on the saturday and started to read the hundreds of texts, then listened to the dozens of voicemails. I was really actually a little worried, the times showed these literally had not stopped all night. My phone rang within 10 minutes of it being on and i foolishly missed the 'withheld number' ploy. It was She, instantly setting off sonic alarms worldwide and my ear was ringing with the frothy, crying mess of expletives and misery. She told me she was on her way to "sort things out".

I decided to handle this like a man so i pulled on some clothes, smoothed my hair down, and drove to Asda where I managed to kill around an hour looking around the asiles (forgot my wallet in the hurry). My phone hadnt stopped and the texts were getting crazy.


I later compiled a Myspace blog of all the best texts.

To paint the picture She was at the end of my street on a slightly drizzly saturday afternoon (around 1pm). It was a 10 minute walk from hers and she had her car.

Texts included (these are the gist of it):

"WHERE ARE YOU, I CANT BELIEVE YOU MADE ME COME DOWN AND YOU'RE NOT IN"

"WHERE THE FUCKING HELL ARE YOU, WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME"

"please come talk to me, i just want to chat"

"FUCKING HELL, I CANT BELIEVE YOU'RE GOING TO JUST LEAVE ME HERE"

"the battery has died on my car, what do i do now"

"ARE YOU JUST GOING TO LEAVE ME HERE"

and the now immortal,

"THATS IT THEN, IM JUST GOING TO PERISH IN MY CAR AND YOU DONT EVEN CARE"

I eventually emerged from my mates, where I'd gone to hide and play pes. Expecting to find her skeletal remaims, still sat in her clio at the end of my mams street, but no the car must have descended back to hell leaving me free to go get some tea. A few weeks later the calls and texts finally stopped and I was left to enjoy life.


The Myspace blog was legendary amongst my friends, i hadnt wrote it in malice but more as to just show the insanity i had been forced to endure. The comments were just as funny as the texts and calls I had wrote down word for word and it was/still is the greatest piece of writing ive ever compiled. One day it was gone, I never did find out how or why but i can only assume it got back to her and she got Tom to delete it.

If its still floating around cyberspace somewhere, please let me know if you happen upon it.
(Monkeystrumpet monkey. Monkey, MONKEY!!!, Thu 21 Oct 2010, 16:02, 2 replies)

Ah PES..
Cures all.
( itsthebttower, Thu 21 Oct 2010, 16:27, closed)

haha
perish in my car!
She sounds a bit over dramatic
(FootOfTim, Thu 21 Oct 2010, 20:09, closed)

a "bit" is the under-estimation of the century
she was mad as a sack of cats/box of frogs... etc

i'd sell my soul to satan for a copy of that blog... it was epic
(Monkeystrumpet monkey. Monkey, MONKEY!!!, Fri 22 Oct 2010, 9:00, closed)