When I was at primary school
there was an EMERGENCY ASSEMBLY called one day. The gravity was palpable. What the fuck was going on? Ashen-faced, the headmistress addressed the whole school.

'The caretaker was cleaning the lavatories after morning break today, and in the urinal he found a shoe. And in that shoe.....was......A POO!!!!!'

at which point total fucking pandemonium broke out - a mixture of kids practically fainting from laughter, followed by a mass inspection to see if there was a boy wearing just one shoe. Best day ever, even better than when Colin Carter guffed and shat himself in assembly and ran out crying.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 13 Jun 2013, 16:19, 10 replies)

And in that poo, there was a nut, and in that nut, there was a shoot, and from that shoot a tree did grow ...
Wickerbasket Man lols
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 13 Jun 2013, 16:33, closed)

The soundtrack to that film is v good

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 13 Jun 2013, 16:35, closed)

Indeed it is.
I particularly like the line "For nothing can delight so ... than the path that leads between ... her left toe ... and her right toe ..."

sung by old men, about the pretty young woman.

True fact: I have touched Britt Eckland's elbow.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 13 Jun 2013, 16:50, closed)

I've touched her kidneys IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN AND I THINK YOU DO

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 13 Jun 2013, 17:02, closed)

Isn't it one of Serge Gainsborough's songs that features the (translated) line
"I'm coming and going between your kidneys"?

It could well be that my friend was just making it up, though.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 13 Jun 2013, 17:07, closed)

It's certainly plausible.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 13 Jun 2013, 17:23, closed)

You're just not putting the effort into your lies these days...

;)
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Thu 13 Jun 2013, 21:35, closed)

did you get your shoe back?

(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Fri 14 Jun 2013, 10:29, closed)

Yer but it stank so I threw it in the sea

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 14 Jun 2013, 12:01, closed)

A poo
In a shoe, in the loo? At least it was someone with a keen ear for alliteration.
(SnowyTheWereRabbit the Leporid from Hell, Sat 15 Jun 2013, 9:58, closed)