Relatively Evil
When my younger sister was in primary school the local vicar took an assembly where he had a large cardboard box on stage. He told the kids that inside the box was "The Most Evil Creature in the WORLD" and they had to guess what it was.

It was my sister.

I think she was supposed to represent "Human Beings" but I doubt it was a coincidence that she was from an atheist family who never went to his church.
( e.m.m.y. foxtrot uniform charlie kilo india tango, Fri 14 Jun 2013, 14:33, 4 replies)

I once passed out during an extremely long assembly, but managed somehow to do it fairly inconspicuously
Was taken out by one of the teachers and left in the care of the school nurse. Mid twenties, really very, very attractive. Rumour was that a couple of the PE teachers used to take turns, but still. I digress... you were required to have your own small hymn book/psalms thing at my school and I managed to lose it somehow but failed to notice.

Cue the nurse sticking her head around the door of my biology class later that day with my hymn book and the immortal line "Ah, TMB. You left this in my bed this morning"

I tell you, that sort of kudos can get you through a couple of years of school, no worries.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Fri 14 Jun 2013, 14:22, 3 replies)

three horrific assemblies of doom spring to mind
part 1

a 7 year old swipe asks her mum for a pair of black tights for her part as a computer in the class assembly. when my mother asked what i was wearing with it, i told her it was a tunic. so she gave me an old pair that had a big hole/ladder. unfortunately, said "tunic" was actually a cardboard sandwich board, with vague 1980's computer symbols painted on. when i turned around to climb up onto my bench to say my lines, the entire room was treated to the sight of my naked asscrack.

"oooh, someone's mother must be cringing," the mother sitting next to mine whispered sympathetically to her. "i know, can you imagine??" my mother replied... i was every day of 21 before she told me this story (at my fucking birthday party), and had been blissfully ignorant until that point. oh well, i guess it was worse for the audience.

part 2

an 11 year old swipe and her best mate joanna were picked to play judas and jesus respectively in the assembly performance of some biblical shite. jesus strode ahead of me, and his big horned feet pushed the blocks that made up the temporary stage apart. he fell through the gap with a cry of despair - but not before he did the spakkadance and cartwheeling arms on the edge, and pulled judas down with him.

the audience (which included a load of nuns, catholic primary school) were then treated to waving legs and knickers and some most un-jesus-like language, until peter and paul rescued us.

part 3

believe it or not, the guy who came up with this novel form of torture was the school chaplain. a supposed man of the cloth. he decided it would be a good idea if, on valentine's day, a bucket were to be passed around assembly and people could write notes to their boyfriend/girlfriends.

or, in other words, carte blanche to embarrass your mates and enemies by revealing their crushes to the world. it was the most cringeworthy thing you can imagine (even worse than when he got out his guitar or when he rapped hymns). i was incredibly lucky because about 25 people told me they'd written a lovenote to the teacher i was famously in love with (turned out to be gay, FML) and none of them got read out.

however, jesus-joanna was not so lucky, and the object of her affection was notified of her love for him in front of 300 adolescents and about 30 smirking teachers.

hideous!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 14 Jun 2013, 13:49, 22 replies)

Reposted from the Churches QotW...
Am I the only one here to remember Bobby Collins (principal teacher of music) discovering the hard way during an assembly that the keys of the Hutchesons' Grammar School organ had been sellotaped together in pairs?
(ubergeekian, Fri 14 Jun 2013, 13:07, Reply)

This one time I dun a fart lol

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Fri 14 Jun 2013, 12:54, 1 reply)

I was *that* kid.
The one who held it in during assembly on a cold, wooden parquet floor. After setting off the whole primary school, I was forced to write a letter of apology to the headteacher.

Also, to whichever shit put "Sing Hosanna" in my head, thanks, you cunt. I hope you're happy.
(piston_broke Actually thinks Supermatt is a decent bloke., Fri 14 Jun 2013, 12:03, 13 replies)

Loosely related pearoast - look, it happened in the assembly hall, OK?
One Christmas at school, we were to have a fete, the centrepiece of which would be a Santa's Grotto in the assembly hall. Our usually scary headmaster would dress up as St. Nick, and various younger siblings etc could be taken in to visit him.

The grotto was a large chicken-wire and paper mache affair, built on the stage usually occupied by the teachers, and us fifth-years were given the task of constructing it. One lunchtime, as we were about to apply the final layer of pasty newspaper to the inside of the grotto, one bright lad realised that the sack of newspapers we'd been given included quite a few copies of The Sun... and so, inevitably, when Santa entered the grotto for the first time, he found that the entire inner surface had been papered with Page 3 tits. It was a thing of beauty, almost hypnotic, with bulging mams literally filling your vision wherever you looked. Like a peek into Peter Stringfellow's mind.

Unfortunately we were forced to paint over it before the tinies arrived.
(moon monkey is busy making memories worth repressing, Fri 14 Jun 2013, 12:00, Reply)

our headmaster got up on the stage and said
"stay about from my bins" lol!
(TheManWithThePlan cussed your mum on, Fri 14 Jun 2013, 11:05, 1 reply)

Two school assemblies stand out in my memory
When Mrs Wager, the elderly deputy head, fell off the stage and broke her hip. Mad laughter by the kids then screaming by Adolf Finer the head master, to shut up and go back to out classes. More laughter as we all trooped out.

The time when the prefects were presented to the rest of the school. The head teacher should just have announced that these particular pupils are the ones who should be specially bullied for the next year. He should have chosen the psychos to be the kapos, rather than those who were working hard. I din't wear my badge.
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Fri 14 Jun 2013, 10:33, 2 replies)

dear old madman and headmaster mr sutton.
he once called an assembly on the first of april to announce that the school's above-ground swimming pool would be utilised from that afternoon.

the pool was still iced over.

mr sutton explained that he would be wearing a wetsuit, but us pupils would be expected to break the ice and have a jolly good swim.

he only relented when the entire reception class and a couple of fifth-formers were audibly sobbing.

still, he died of liver failure so who's laughing now?
( janet aylia y'all motherfuckers need jesus, Fri 14 Jun 2013, 10:33, 3 replies)

They called him Sog
it was our very first assembly in infant school and one poor unfortunate kid got caught short & wet himself. And Because we were five and had no vocabulary or imaginations he earned the wonderful nickname Soggy Bum.

Thing is it stuck right through school by junior school he'd embraced it (by then it was just Soggy or Sog). I'd tell my mum I was going to Soggy's house she'd know who I meant, even the teachers called him Soggy.

I bumped into him years later "oh hi So...." I stopped what was his name? I can't call a 30 year old Soggy can I? I must know his name they called it out in the register every bloody day
He was looking at me smirking "It's Robert you Plum but if it makes you feel better you can call me Sog"
(sittingduck Attention seeking, bullshitting fuck-knuckle, Fri 14 Jun 2013, 9:45, 3 replies)

I was so persistently late for school,
that the teachers eventually gave up trying to get me into assemblies.
Not so much youthful rebellion, as sloth.

At secondary school, the deputy heads would all be seated on the stage, whils the Head led the assembly. One of the deputies was wont to blow his nose and examine the results, much to the disgust of the assembled students. Another of the deputies once gave an assembly to a hip hop soundtrack, wearing baggy shorts and a backwards cap; against all the odds, this only made him more popular with the students.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Fri 14 Jun 2013, 9:33, 5 replies)

I went to the same school as Ian Hislop.
He is remembered as the boy who rigged up the speaker system in chapel to play 'God Save The Queen' during the two minutes silence on rememberance day.
(SigourneysBeaver took off and nuked the entire site from orbit on, Fri 14 Jun 2013, 9:22, 6 replies)

Our PE teacher used to stand in front of us at assembly in his tight Adidas track suit with a massive hard on
I can't say I blame him, I was a very sexy child.
(woocfot friends with Sacha Distel, Fri 14 Jun 2013, 8:27, 1 reply)

The shart to end all sharts
A few fart/shart related tales on here already, but I assure you that none are as embarrassing as this one.

I must have been about 10 years old and my class had been doing a project about volcanoes. I was stood on the small stage alongside a few of my classmates including a lad caleld Jeremy, ready to talk about the rather impressive paper mache volcano the class had constructed. Totally out of the blue, without warning, and with comical timing that most professionals could only dream of, Jeremy's arse decided to erupt like Vesuvius. My recollection of the noise is a squirting sound which was part fart, part gush. The bum gravy shot down Jeremy's legs and started to seep out of the bottom of his trousers onto his shoes. His face contorted into an expression of horror and embarrassment, whilst the rest of the school hall went through shock, horror, disgust, and uncontrolable laughter in a very short space of time. Jeremy was ushered off the stage (crying) by one of the few teachers who managed to keep a straight face, and from that moment on was known as Shitty McSquitty.
(Sonic promises not to spray it in her eyes next time!, Fri 14 Jun 2013, 5:49, Reply)

Wah Wah Wah.
I've been vaguely trying to pick a fight here for a while, hoping to give myself a good excuse to flounce. But without success.
It's been fun and there are a few people whose comments are reliably entertaining (shambo, mongy, boyce, drimble, ringofyre (the new one), 2can (I hope marriage suits you and good luck) and a fair few others (can't feasibly name-check everyone here). But, even in the relatively short time I've been a member, this place has declined sharply and I really should find something else to do with my spare time.

The only way I think I can successfully extricate myself is by making such a god-awful embarrassing post that I couldn't possibly consider returning.

I hope this fits the bill.

edit: also - thfh, atomic, e dubya, hermann, and all the other gayshifters (again, can't remember all the stars) - thanks for the laughs and goodbye.

edit edit: and AB, woofcot, brb, fucksocks - consistently entertaining and I really should have mentioned mofaha, mu and deki - tala
( 4Q just lurking, Fri 14 Jun 2013, 0:10, 19 replies)

Once in secondary school
All of the boys (about 450 of them) were called into the sports hall.

This was most irregular and so there was something of a hubbub as to the reason for the impromptu assembly.

Turned out that somebody had crimped off a length of dirty spine onto the floor in the boys' toilets.
(Eukanuba, Thu 13 Jun 2013, 23:55, Reply)

At final leaving assembly
It was Chelmsley Wood school (the arse part of Birmingham), punk had happened and the poor bloke said "this in academic terms is by far the worst year I have ever experienced" Cue cheers and actual throwing of various objects at him. The police were summoned..
(wimbley is feeling hungover, Thu 13 Jun 2013, 23:50, Reply)

"... and because we take this very seriously, Callum is going to stand up and explain to everybody why what he did was wrong. Callum."
*humble shuffling to front*
"So ... why did you throw Justin's satchel onto the motorway?"
"BECAUSE HE'S A CUNT!"
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Thu 13 Jun 2013, 23:31, 4 replies)

I have memories of the soles of my desert boots going soft on the boiling asphalt under the hot Australian sun
We had a principal called McPhail, and instead of the chant greeting "Good Morning Mr McPhail and teachers" we would say "Good morning Mr McSnail and Creatures". It doesn't sound like much, but for a six year old it was the first tentative steps in a lifetime of mocking authority
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Thu 13 Jun 2013, 20:54, 2 replies)

1981
Each class had to run an assembly some time during the year. When it was our turn we chose to emphasise the need to wear proper school uniform (well I was in the swatty 3A class). Being 1981 this was a perfect excuse to get the punks in the class to come on stage and pogo around a bit before, to a burst of the 'Hallelujah Chorus', 4 kids modeling perfect uniform came walking down the stairs through the rest of the assembled masses and the punks leapt of stage. While we were rehearsing it the head came in and yelled at us for running up the stairs of the theatre, but after he saw the finished production he called me into his office to shake my hand. It was the highlight of my directing career. Actually, it was the only thing I've ever directed.
(Smale is stuffed, Thu 13 Jun 2013, 19:54, 3 replies)

Our primary school headmaster didn't do assembly every week,
But when he did, it was exactly the same every sodding time.
Christian mumbo jumbo followed by the same piece of music, during which he asked us to imagine ourselves in the scene while he sat by the tiny record player with his eyes shut.
Mendelssohn's The Hebrides, Op. 26, also known as Fingal's Cave overture.

And woe betide any child foolish enough not to pretend to be entirely captured by this as even with his eyes apparently shut, he could hear and see every fucking thing we did or said.

This is actually a fine piece of music in the romantic style but has been totally ruined for me because Phil Broom got me thrown out for laughing at his underarm fart noises.
( Infidel , shit and wrong, Thu 13 Jun 2013, 19:18, 4 replies)

It was probably a set up
When our headmaster in assembly was giving a speech about students mobiles going off in class and half way through a teachers phone rang.

Either that or some member of staff did have a vindictive sense of humour.
(Woodlouse say it with flowers. Send her a Triffid, Thu 13 Jun 2013, 18:29, Reply)

Farts?
My standout memory was the simultaneous faint / puke in assembly aged about 9. Somehow managed to avoid being reminded about that one until the end of time, I suppose in our school there was always another such incident come along a few days later.
(rampants, Thu 13 Jun 2013, 18:12, Reply)

If they're not crying, they're not learning!

( The Lone Groover has mal des nuts., Thu 13 Jun 2013, 18:11, 1 reply)

I puked once in assembly,
and for years was known as "the boy who puked in assembly".
In infant skool, we had to pray to a God I didn't believe in, even at that tender age. I remember a kid putting his hand up, and grassing another kid up for not having his eyes shut during the Lord's prayer. "How do you know", asked Mrs Horsley, the psycho head teacher. Cunning bitch.
(Pookie Bear had some very shiny foez, Thu 13 Jun 2013, 18:07, Reply)

One of my favourite church assemblies...........
.............was when the vicar did the story about how the Holy Spirit passed amongst the people, and the excited chattering came forth.

At the word "forth" there was a multitude of explosions from the back of the church and stuff flying everywhere. Cue mayhem, teachers on their feet harrumphing and looking bewildered & lots of braying children.

He'd given all 30 Y6 children a party popper to pull. He hadn't told anyone else.

He got his point over.
( The Lone Groover has mal des nuts., Thu 13 Jun 2013, 18:00, Reply)