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This is a question School Assemblies

Our school assemblies were often presided over by the local vicar, who once warned us of the dreadful dangers of mixing with "Rods and Mockers". One of the cool teachers laughed. Tell us about mad headteachers and assemblies gone wrong.

Inspired by the mighty @Rhodri on Twitter

(, Thu 13 Jun 2013, 12:43)
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A Tin of Chappie..........
Twice a year I used to take the whole school to our local village church for assembly. It was usually the doddery old vicar's Sunday Sermon read slightly slower, and as boring as hell.

Our new vicar was younger, with children, and a top bloke. He had all of Elvis Costello's stuff on vinyl for a start!

So there we were, sat in the pews, when he starts his talk, pulling out a tin of Chappie, and talking about caring for our pets, different foods, love and affection, etc etc, and I'm thinking, heigh ho, nice visual aid, when he pulls out a tinopener and proceeds to open the can.

Bottoms start to shuffle a little in the pews as he opens the tin.

All food is nutritious, he says, it doesn't matter what it looks like, or tastes like. Would anybody like to try some?

Cue 183 remarks in the vein of euch, ergh, pooey etc and one young chap heading earnestly to the altar.

I'm sat at the back thinking, no, he'll stop when the child gets near.

Out comes the spoon, and a dollop of dog food, chunks and all, slurps out of the tin.

Vicar tells the lad to hold his nose, close his eyes and trust in the Lord as he feeds him the dogfood.

By now I'm envisioning the headlines in The Sun, and the children are nearly hysterical. I'm doing that Peter Kay fast-walk-I'm-not=running-but-I'm-panicking movement down the aisle when the dogfood gets deposited in his mouth, he chews and swallows.

I stopped in abject horror, wondering what the hell I'm going to tell the lad's mum.

Turns out he'd carefully removed the base of the tin, emptied it and refilled it with a mixture of Angel Delight and Mars Bar chunks, and that the lad was in on the whole thing.

I think he said a prayer later for all the evil words I was thinking.

(there's a few more like this)
(, Thu 13 Jun 2013, 17:49, 12 replies)
Elvis Costello is shit.

(, Thu 13 Jun 2013, 17:54, closed)
So is..........
...my opinion of your opinion, but let's not spoil a good story, there's a good chap.
(, Thu 13 Jun 2013, 18:01, closed)
good thinking!
So come on, let's hear this good story then.
(, Thu 13 Jun 2013, 18:19, closed)
The old remove the bottom of a tin and ask a child to close their eyes while they put the contents in their mouth trick.
Every vicar knows it.
(, Thu 13 Jun 2013, 18:46, closed)
I went on a school trip to some place where tinned food featured
Can't remember where it was, or why we were there, but anyway - somehow a tin of dogfood was involved, and we were invited to try it.

Three of us did, self included. It's pretty much the same stuff as you get in a steak pie from a chip shop.

Although having the ring of an urban myth, it is actually true that petfood has to be fit for human consumption.
(, Fri 14 Jun 2013, 8:19, closed)
They should apply the same rule to fast food.

(, Fri 14 Jun 2013, 9:02, closed)

(, Fri 14 Jun 2013, 12:48, closed)
Dog bikkies are quite salty.
But good for after pub munchies. And cheap no less!
(, Fri 14 Jun 2013, 9:03, closed)
I tried one of those
they're bloody horrible.
(, Fri 14 Jun 2013, 12:47, closed)
the herb flavour ones are very nice
from some fancy organic producer that cost more than the average biscuit for humans
(, Fri 14 Jun 2013, 21:27, closed)
It is true and in some aspects dog food has better provenance than food for humans
but I like an urban myth that is true.
(, Fri 14 Jun 2013, 21:25, closed)
Big click
I could really picture this including the Peter Kay walk. Great story
(, Fri 14 Jun 2013, 15:51, closed)

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