Ah, now...
...after reading the bit in the question where it says "the mad old bloke who runs the Neighbourhood Watch like it's a military operation", I tried to think if I had a relevant answer, and then I remembered that my dad is the mad old bloke who runs the Neighbourhood Watch like its a military operation. Its not a particularly stressful job as far as I can tell. The NW team invited the local policeman to do a talk, and he asked what they would like from their local police force. "Fight crime!", they said, but the policeman replied despondently that there had been no real crime in that part of Surrey for years. Racking her brain, one lady complained that the local sixth formers drove ever so carelessly and fast, and suggested the policeman set a speed trap. This he did unannounced the following week, and caught one sixth former and the lady who had made the complaint, travelling a full 10 miles per hour over the limit.

Part of the job involves editing a Neighbourhood Watch magazine, featuring advice on home security, with a column dedicated to crimes reported locally; and there was a lot of excitement when a lady at the end of the road let it be known that a vagabond had crept into her garage in the dead of night, and stolen an apple pie from her outdoor reserve fridge. Real Enid Blyton stuff - but what the magazine didn't report was that she admitted she found the pie a few days later, slightly stale and where she had left it.

Anyway, the story is that my dad was mowing the lawn one sunny afternoon, and paused for a moment to snoop on the conversation taking place between the couple next door. "I've had three cold callers at the door this week", the old woman complained, "despite putting that sticker in the front window. So much for Neighbourhood watch". "Well", began her husband, "of course you can't expect them to be there all the time..", but he was interrupted with the sight of my father's head suddenly poking through the hedge, staring him in the eye, and saying calmly: "Neighbourhood Watch is watching you, Mr Evans".
( browser still relating boring anecdotes into a void on, Thu 24 Jan 2013, 22:25, 5 replies)

Always knew that Vag
was a pie-stealing cunt!
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Thu 24 Jan 2013, 22:46, closed)

He ought to keep his dog on a lead, too.
Tsk.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Thu 24 Jan 2013, 23:37, closed)

I like this
I am sure that over here we will be seeing this story adapted into a continuing series on PBS via the BBC.(shudder)
(the other guy not the one that gave you coochie warts, Thu 24 Jan 2013, 23:40, closed)

Your old man sounds like a top chap. Which school did he attend?

(Brigadier an old boot sitting on a man's face - forever, Fri 25 Jan 2013, 7:00, closed)

"... and the lady who made the complaint"
*excellent*
( chthonic, Fri 25 Jan 2013, 13:42, closed)