Revenue Officers
Back in my commuting days, on the train. Like a conductor, but more bastardy. One Friday night, on a packed train, the conductor came through with a Revenue Officer in tow. This guy was like every traffic warden in the world, rolled up into one person. He treated everyone like shit, even the ones who actually *had* tickets.

One girl hadn't got a ticket, and explained that the queue for the ticket office was so long she was worried that she'd miss the train, but was told she could buy one on the train. He proceeded to charge her some ridiculous sum for the ticket. She nearly fainted in shock, whereupon he rejoiced in telling her that the special offer £17 fare was only available if you bought in advance. After explaining again that she would have missed the train if she'd done that, he said "Well there's another one in an hour, you could have caught that!". Her explanation of "But my mum & dad are expecting me to be on this train" wasn't even acknowledged.

Another guy had reserved his ticket but there was no-one in the office when he went to get them. The Revenue Officer flat out refused to phone the office and insisted that, despite having a receipt and reference number, the guy would have to buy more tickets and write in to claim a refund. He even said "Oh I could phone them, but I'm not going to!". He was slightly undermined on this one though by the guard, who didn't hear this conversation, and phoned the office to confirm the reservation details.

Seriously, I'm not doing justice to what a thoroughly unpleasant man he was. I'm pretty easy-going, I try and see the good in most people, but he really did have no redeeming features at all...

tl;dr - don't go on trains, they're shite
(Professor Kenny Martin Hmm? What?, Mon 28 Jan 2013, 22:01, 12 replies)

I think we got him going to Edinburgh once
Our friends had been only been given half of the tickets they needed for a train to Edinburgh by the machine at the station - they had half the tickets, the printed emails with the ticket confirmation and receipts and they still got charged full fare on the train, though all later refunded after letters of complaint.

On the way back we saw backpackers hop the train without any tickets. I didn't mind so much but my friends weren't quite so forgiving.
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Mon 28 Jan 2013, 22:09, closed)

I like trains.
And boobs. And eggs.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Mon 28 Jan 2013, 22:19, closed)

www.youtube.com/watch?v=5DjOL2we8ko
(Professor Kenny Martin Hmm? What?, Mon 28 Jan 2013, 22:35, closed)

WHERE'S THE EGGS AND THE BOOBS??!?
WHAT A GIP!
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Mon 28 Jan 2013, 22:38, closed)

I do apologise. Here...
www.youtube.com/watch?v=PNLcwqUOXfQ

www.youtube.com/watch?v=t4XOtyKqvt8
(Professor Kenny Martin Hmm? What?, Mon 28 Jan 2013, 22:46, closed)

Eggboobs, finest of all unusual breasts.

( Infidel , shit and wrong, Tue 29 Jan 2013, 1:54, closed)

But not fried egg tits.
Goes without saying.
( Infidel , shit and wrong, Tue 29 Jan 2013, 1:59, closed)

I like mine poached

(the other guy not the one that gave you coochie warts, Tue 29 Jan 2013, 2:09, closed)

Good lord!
I have never stolen a tit in my life.
( Infidel , shit and wrong, Tue 29 Jan 2013, 2:10, closed)

I travelled every month on trains for the last seven years...
Long distance and short. I only ever met people doing their jobs. When there were disruptions due to weather, etc I met more than one guard who let me off with the wrong tickets because the train companies all pulled together to help their travellers out. I even got on the wrong train once to get home and they gave out free crisps, biscuits and water to cheer people up (we'd been waiting in the cold for hours)!

I think maybe you got the shit train. You should go on some of mine. I won't need to now and I'm bloody desolate. =(
( vix0r was not Matthew on, Tue 29 Jan 2013, 1:18, closed)

I'd love to go on trains like that
The only freebie I ever got when I was commuting was a mince pie and a glass of sherry one Christmas.

At 5:15am
(Professor Kenny Martin Hmm? What?, Tue 29 Jan 2013, 15:26, closed)

*delurks* as this is a pet hate of mine.

There is no such thing as a penalty clause under UK law - they are illegal. Penalty *fares* are governed by some very strict rules (the Rail Penalty Fare Regulations) which basically say that you are unlikely to have to pay too much more if it's an honest mistake (but never ever lie to the ticket inspector about your name and address as that can actually attract criminal liability.)

Never pay the penalty at the time, and they are extremely unlikely to take you to court as the last thing they want is a Judge taking a look at the whole regime. If it looks like you owe them money then do pay it, but do it in accordance with that the article below says you owe, and keep an open line of communication with them throughout.

www.standard.co.uk/news/10-ways-to-avoid-penalty-fares-on-trains-6762684.html
(Foxinsockssir, Wed 30 Jan 2013, 9:16, closed)