Hotel hooker...
It’s a long one – but hear me out…

15 years or so ago…

So there I was - a fresh faced 17 year old (might have been 18 but can’t remember) on my way to Harlow with my boss for a training course on how to sell PC’s (for a well known retailer).

Checked into the Hotel late and went to bed, went to the training course the next morning and upon returning to the hotel – it was decided that we would be heading into London that night for drinks and swearing.

We were joined by 2 chaps from Sheffield who were looking to let off steam and with 4 of us – it would make a cheaper taxi…

Off we went… drinks were had, pubs were visited. All in all – a good evening in progress.

Coming up to 11pm now and I’m starting to lag. My boss pulls me to one side and shows me a little bag in his pocket. ‘here – eat this’ he says. Within 20 mins, I’m talking like a horse racing commentator. I had just had a nice chunk of Speed – in its paste form. And judging by the look of my friends – so had they. The night was now young again.

Eventually – we roll back to the hotel about 2am and pile back to my room to talk at each other and smoke cigarettes. One of the lads spies my Loaded Lads Magazine and is having a flick through the pages – he comes across the classifieds at the back of the mag – and amongst the adverts for growing your own hemp and funny T shirts, our hero spots an advert.

‘Emmas Escorts – all areas’

We all agreed that this was a great idea – and we should book a ‘lady’ to attend to us asap – we phoned – they said she would be an hour and it would be a £60 call out fee for a massage – anything else is negotiated.

We sat and discussed how best to proceed. Blow jobs were the way forward, we all wanted one and as the Boss was paying the lions share, he would get to have her first. He would then tell her that there is another chap (me) in another room who would like a BJ. She would then attend to me and I would tell her that there is another chap in his room looking for a similar deal – and he would repeat these steps. It was fail proof – we all get a nosh, she pockets a few quid and everyone is happy. We congratulated each other on our ingenuity and looked forward to what was to come.

Well that was the plan… we had an hour to kill before she arrived.

We went to a cash point as we’d need at least £60 for the call out. I wanted to get a shower as I was pretty minging and had the worst brown coloured perished undies on – plus I thought it was only fair on the poor lass if I’m at least clean before she pleasured me.

But. As the hour rolled on into 2 hours – the Speed started to lose its effect and we started to come down and I was losing my confidence and starting to panic.

With that – she arrived. And my god was she amazing – Scandanavian, flowing blonde hair and cowboy boots… Jesus H Christ!

We got down to the point – there were 4 of us in the room and she sat on the bed – we asked about ‘extras’

Handjob - £60
Blowjob - £110
Full Sex - £200

That was not including the £60 we already already had to pay – so a BJ was £170. Bugger – thinking we had hatched the perfect plan – we had neglected to include the fact that we were not hiring some ‘Northern Lass’ who frequents dockland areas, we were in London and hiring a classy lady – who it turns out – we couldn’t afford.

We are now pretty much sober – so my boss throws £60 on my bed and says ‘Pat – I’m off to bed, you have the massage she came out for then’ and with that he left, and so did the 2 other lads, leaving me on my own with a beautiful blonde.

I may have forgotten to mention that at this point I was 17-18 years old and full of bravado – but I had as much experience with women as Ray Charles had with hanging wallpaper. I was terrified. I was way out of my depth.

‘Do you want to get undressed and lie on the bed?” she enquired?
“err – yeah’

I hadn’t had the shower I planned on having earlier – I drop my pants to reveal a horrible threadbare brown pair of boxershorts with my testicles clearly visible hanging out the bottom (I distinctively remember leaving my socks on too). I climb on the bed and she gets her massage oils out. She starts rubbing my back, I make token appreciative moans – but deep down I’m not interested. And judging by the amount of effort she is putting into the massage – neither is she. I get the impression by the fact there is a lot of oil everywhere – that massage is not her specialty.

I lie there listening to BBC News 24 talking about Bill Clinton whilst a blonde woman with cowboy boots straddles me and massages my back.. I should be on cloud 9, but instead I stop her, thank her for coming, and hand over the £60. “lets just call it a night” I said – she agreed and went off with her rather small minder who had been waiting outside.

I lay on the bed reflecting on what had just happened, turned off the tv and went to sleep.

30 mins later – the phone rings. ‘Pat – is she still there? – I’ve been the cash point and have enough for a wank – send her up’ I had to explain that she had just left and that the plan had changed since we all went to bed. and with that my phone rang again – ‘Pat – is she still there? It seems that as everyone went to bed – they all got hornier and on reflection decided that they probably could afford it.

We went home the next day. I had a hundred thoughts running through my head. WHY, WHY, WHY didn’t I make the most of it – even if I couldn’t afford anything – why didn’t I just ask her to stand in her underwear whilst I cracked one off, why didn’t I plead poverty and ask her for a cheeky tug, why didn’t I ask her to take off her bra while she gave the massage? Why, Why, Why…

Even writing this now makes me want to travel back in time and slap the younger me in the face and ask what the hell I was playing at…

No apologies for length – you could see it through my boxershorts….
(Pat mustard, Fri 9 Dec 2011, 11:29, 6 replies)

It could have been worse
At least it wasn't your £60 wasted
( Regger, Fri 9 Dec 2011, 11:41, closed)

Just be thankful
that you're not writing about the time you asked a hooker if she could get her tits out so you could have a wank over her and she refused.
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Fri 9 Dec 2011, 12:28, closed)

I find the idea of any sort of group sex activity,
involving more men than women, to be terribly off-putting.

Which is why I always bulk-buy my hookers.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Fri 9 Dec 2011, 12:35, closed)

it wasn't a group - we were in our own rooms.

so that makes its absolutely fine...
(Pat mustard, Fri 9 Dec 2011, 12:37, closed)

Four men, taking turns on one woman,
is four men, taking turns on one women, no matter the number of doors you hide behind.

It'd probably have been more honest if you'd just sucked each other off.

Horrible, sad tale, by the way. Fits the bill perfectly, for his week.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Fri 9 Dec 2011, 12:42, closed)

I regret reading this.
Damn that's seedy.
(Falstaff's Spiritual Successor, Fri 9 Dec 2011, 12:38, closed)