Welcome to my Pooniverse!
I’ll make no bones about it, and I’m in no way proud of it, but I used to take an awful lot of cocaine. It started out as recreational use, and slowly escalated until the time that I met the Mad Saffa. At that point, my coke consumption went through the roof. I was living in London, out every night, and I was wholly convinced (with the conviction that can only be bought with a massive amount of that stuff) that Life Was Good.

It was in February 2006 that I went to a leaving do with my work colleagues, working our way from the Old London Tavern on Ludgate Circus down to The Cock Tavern on Fleet Street. On arrival, the consumption of far too much Vodka and Coke eventually resulted in a several deliveries being made to the pub. These little packages were quickly snaffled, and yet another delivery was made. Not long after this, tiring of people constantly asking “Got any coke? Just a wee line?” and their incessant coke-fuelled ramblings, I made the move home.

One of my then-friends and I headed towards Blackfriars together, and on the way decided to sneak down a little side street and finish off the meagre remains of the nights haul. I leant over the windowsill where we had racked up (classy, eh?), and inhaled sharply, taking the powder deep in to my nose. The familiar smell that approaches nail varnish remover filled my senses, and I got the vaguely pleasurable sensation of little drips sliding down my throat, numbing down everything on the way.

I’m not sure why it was, as I’ve never researched the physiology of it , but if I ever took too much coke it made my guts move faster than normal. Rumbling ensued. Usually, this wouldn’t be a problem as I’d be close to a loo – but this was past closing time by now and there was not a public convenience in sight. Thinking I could get away with it, I tried to let out a pressure-relieving fart.

Sadly, the only pressure I released was some fairly liquid poo. My only saving grace I can think of for that moment was I still had the strength in me to clench and stop the flow. I excused myself, and ran around the corner, in to the warren of streets that backs on to Fleet Street. Quick as a flash, I whipped off my shoes and de-robed, peeling back my boxer shorts and gingerly removing them. So now I’m stood in the middle of London, at 11.30 at night, naked from the waist down. Surveying the damage, I was thankful to realise that it was limited to the seat of my boxer shorts. I gave myself a careful wipe with a clean patch, grabbed an empty plastic bag that was mercifully lying nearby, threw them in, tied it off, and put them in a convenient bin.

While all of this was going on, the desperate need to evacuate my bowels had passed, I guess through sheer embarrassment. I put my trousers back on, slipped on my shoes, and walked away to meet my colleague.

On waking the next afternoon, remembrance came flooding back to me like a cruel and heartless mistress. I have never been (and remain to this day) so completely and utterly embarrassed. And that, dear friends, was the day that I gave up coke.

2 years, one month and 13 days clean!

Apologies for lack of funny, but that is a story that has never been told before.
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Thu 27 Mar 2008, 17:23, 6 replies)

Sorry but..................
Cocaine is not an opiate. Heroin, morphine even codeine are opiates.
Good story though!
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Thu 27 Mar 2008, 18:32, closed)

Really?
Thanks Captain P! You've just shown how ignorant I was/am...

:) Edited to not look even more stupid than I already am!
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Thu 27 Mar 2008, 19:59, closed)

Drugs.....
...are neither rude nor funny.
Bonus *click* for attending The COCK Tavern! oof snik phwooar etc.
Bless you for your embarassment, dear chap, but it all worked out in the END didn't it?
And eloquently told to boot.
( Tourette's ( . )( . ) has a monkey hair in her fried egg, Thu 27 Mar 2008, 23:42, closed)

Similar story...
Years ago I used to take a lot of amphetamine. This stuff makes you evacuate your bowels as it kicks in. After so long of taking the drug and I kid you not, I only had to hear the word speed or smell the stuff and I was rushing to the loo with stomach cramps.

Nasty stuff as well.
( girlinthehole, Fri 28 Mar 2008, 8:35, closed)

Powders
do make you want to poo.
Fact.
(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Fri 28 Mar 2008, 16:22, closed)

I find it induces
a very runny poo after the first line. Smells a bit weird too, I guess cos it hasn't been properly 'treated' on the way out.
(pmsc, Mon 31 Mar 2008, 17:39, closed)