That was some shit...
It was a cold winter day when my co-worker informed me that his Mother-in-law had passed away. She had been given 6 months to live 3 years ago. I offered my condolences, gave him a hug, and pretended to care where the funeral was before asking a very sensitive question.

"Do you still have any of her meds left?"

He did. I almost shit my pants when he brought in 40 tablets of 60 milligram time released morphine. I think I gave him 40 bucks for the bottle. I worked my 8 hours just itching to try one. I had had morphine before, but never in such a strength.

I got home and immediately crushed and boiled the pills to defeat the time release. Then I converted it to morphine sulfate and did a hot line.

I felt it enter my bloodstream and rush to my brain then drip down my spinal cord untill it burned my asshole. It was groovy. I was in the greatest mood ever.

After a week of giddy euphoria I felt a slight cramp in my gut. I came to the realization that I had not taken a crap in a week. I tried to crap but it just wasn't happening. I bought a bottle of saline laxative (the green carbonated crap that tastes like Kool Aide Man's sweat) and guzzled it.

Day 8 - I woke up that morning and nothing. Hmmmm... The pain was worse. I bought a bottle of this earbal cleansing shit and another bottle of saline laxitive (cherry this time). 4 to 6 hours later.... Nothing. I tried yoga techniques and le mans breathing. I visualized the mass in my colon and tried to picture the massive fecal build up passing through my rectum and into the toilet. Then I grabbed the handicap powergrip bar and pushed on that bad boy with all I had. After all that I had not even dropped a turd but had given myself a hemorrhoid.

Day 9 - Pain and lots of it. Unfortunately the only thing that killed the pain was the Morphine that had me stopped up in the first place. I had to be at work today and was ready to take drastic measures. The lady behind the counter tried to stifle a smile as I put the glycerin suppositories and the fleet enema double pack on the counter. Her demeanor changes when she saw my bloated, sweaty, green face. So I went home and started reading the directions for the enema. I used the lying on the side method. I felt a tingle and ran to the toilet and unleashed.... What I had just put in. It wasn't even brown. The second time I used the doggy style insertion method and held the mineral oil in my colon a full five minutes before trying again. No dice. Wow. I passed out at work and someone had to throw water on me to come to. I ran to ye old drugstore and purchased a gallon of Pedialite that I downed while waiting for my credit card to go through. I tried a glycerin suppository that did nothing but burn my strained sphincter. On my way home I paid yet another visit to Rite-Aide. It was time to get serious.

Day-10 I took 6 Peri-Colace. The ultimate laxative. This stuff will empty your colon in about an hour and is the most violent laxative ever made. Forget every cure you have ever heard. If Peri-Colace doesn't work, nothing will. The bottle said not to exceed 2 tabs in 24 hours but when the hell do I ever use as directed. Nothing. Nada. At this point my body was shutting down. My piss looked like semen. I couldn't stay awake. I was desprate. I tried every cockamamie home remedy I heard. I drank a jug of prune juice, I drank some milk that had expired 2 weeks ago. I got a 7 Layer Burrito with extra sour cream and red sauce, milk of magneasa, cocaine, coffee enemas, speed, mineral oil, a danger dog from Hollywood, nothing.

Day-11 I couldn't move or wake up. My friend dragged my ass out of bed. I slept through my meeting with my lawyer. I then went back to my car and passed out untill I had to be at work. I some how made it through the day by listning to "Sugar" by Tori Amos on repeat. I was too tired and sick to try anything that day.

Day-12 Alright, I had a cruise that I had paid 300 dollars that was leaving tomorrow. After you haven't shit in 2 weeks you may need a colostomy to remove the feces, and I wasn't about to wear no fanny pack filled with shit to Rosarito. I took 60 Peri-Colace (40 is a lethal dose) with a gallon of mira-lax that I forged a prescription to get. I awoke three hours later with the first urge to shit I had felt in weeks. I crawled excitedly twords the toilet hoping this was the end of this misery. I grabbed an issue of Cosmo and crawled onto the throne

It was all over in 3 seconds. But what a three seconds it was! My asshole permently doubled in size as the "cork" tore my anus to my balls. After that it was all liquid. I was sure there was more to come, but that turned out to be everything.

The next 2 hours was pure torture as the laxative overdose cleared out several major organs and a penny I swallowed when I was three. When I looked at my creation all I saw was brown water that had risen to the rim. I was curios exactly how big it was but was not about to go fishing for it then throw it on the Tanita. I wiped my ass, thighs, balls, the toilet, the walls around the toilet, the ceiling, ect.... Then I popped a morphine and went back to bed.

Length was nothing, that fucker was 2 stone.
(anotherlogan and the whit he shites, Fri 28 Mar 2008, 20:44, 6 replies)

Shame on you
you jerk. This irritates me no end-twerps stealing hospice patients' meds. This is why nurses get investigated when the morphine counts don't come up right after death.

Your story is highly specious. I call BS-the only part I believe is that you're low enough to steal a dead woman's opiates.

Twat.
(TDub Nunc id vides, nunc ne vides on, Fri 28 Mar 2008, 21:42, closed)

^^^^
I agree with the above.

Cock
( Mrs Entity is in hiding., Fri 28 Mar 2008, 22:11, closed)

I, however,
thought this story was hilarious
(ratthingbazzterd, Fri 28 Mar 2008, 22:23, closed)

This is about as satisfying
as schadenfreude gets.
(LickOutTheJamsMotherfuckers!, Sat 29 Mar 2008, 1:14, closed)

how
do you turn it into sulphate?
and, for that matter, please tell me the details of boiling to avoid the time delay.

oh, yes I nearly forgot, CLICK!
(misskitty reeks of sex and turpentine; laudanum afternoons, Sat 29 Mar 2008, 3:44, closed)

to clarify
Stealing meds from the dead ranks right up there with forgetting to leave the seat down on the lieu for your sister as far as I'm concerned.

And I was really just crushing and mainlining the morphine, but FYI you boil it gently in ammonia and siphon off the precipitate to do the sulphate thingie.
(anotherlogan and the whit he shites, Sun 30 Mar 2008, 4:56, closed)