Hostage crisis
To cut out a long boring back story, I've got bad IBS, so when when I'm suffering a hostage crisis, sometimes I just have to release them. Recently I've had a major stressful time, so its got a lot worse. My doctor got me this nice card that says "Please let me use your toilet, I have a medical problem", mean I can go in anywhere, flash it, and use their loo.

Now because of previously mentioned stress and problems, 90% of the time its kinda "soft" (by soft I mean, somewhere between melting cadburys fruit and nut bar, and the colour and constancy of stewed tea - no milk - ).

So anyway, I'm walking along local high street... and I've got to go... NOW! Hastily looking around to find an empty shop I can go flash my card, and release the hostages. Being saturday afternoon, naturally every wheres quite busy... but saviour, an over price ladies undies shop, (we're talking 50 quid for a pair of "panties" that have less material then a tea bag). So I pop my head in the door, no customers... Fooking jackpot!

So I walk up to the counter, politely yet with a sense of urgency I ask to use the loo (I think it went something like, "toilet... caniuseitnow...please!") I get a firm look from the lady who quite firmly says "NO, Staff only". At this point I'm thinking, "fine, I just unleash it right here on your overpriced skimpies" but I pull out the card, show her and hope for the best.

She takes one look and suddenly turns into the caring mother type, talking to me all nicey nice, which is all good, unless you need to unleash some chocolatey fury, and she's just holding you up.

Anyway, finally get to the toilet in the back, all nice and shiney and white. As you would expect from a woman's shop. I bearly get me kacks down when all hell breaks loose in the arse department... (think projectile or farting at the same time as having the runs). After a good 4 mins, its all over...

Standing up to survey the damage, the inside of the bowl is plastered... chocolate artex covered 90% of the back and most of both sides. Me being the considerate person, I look for a brush... alas... none... nothing... so I flush and hope for the best... wait for it to finished and still the bowl looks like some kind of modern art from the "novel scat exhibit".

If there not smart enough to have a brush, they can deal with that "shit".

So I leave the toilet, the nice lady was waiting for me, she asked "can you find you own way back?" here me thinking, that if I let her go in now, with me still in the shop... NOT GOOD. So I say, "not sure... was in to much of a rush to notice" so she leads me back to the shop floor, and then goes back from where she came (I'm thinking she either went to check or needed the loo herself, either way I wasn't sticking around) So I left.

I stood outside for a min or two, just to see if she would come back... but she didn't... I got bored and left... (not I great finish I know). I just hope she find it in her great wisdom to buy a damn bogbrush.

Beware us people with the blue card of power!
Apologise for Length
( SleazyMole Finally has an Icon WOO!, Sun 30 Mar 2008, 22:28, 3 replies)

hostage crisis...
that's funny.

But are you sure it isn't a situation where *you* are the hostage rather than the poo?
( flirting with badgers What? It sounded good at the time., Mon 31 Mar 2008, 3:51, closed)

.
I didn't know about those cards. Strangley though I've been on a course of low level antibiotics over the last 3 months and my IBS seems to have dissappeared. I've had it since around '91 so it is actually quite strange to be "normal"! No idea if it will last but I'll enjoy it while it does.
(cmouse is pondering about life in other jobs, Mon 31 Mar 2008, 8:22, closed)

@cmouse
www.theguttrust.org/supportus/joinus

That's where you can get them from! I should know, I print the cards! Tee hee
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 2 Apr 2008, 14:36, closed)