Is my life really just a bad joke?
Q - What does a constipated accountant do?
A - Work it out with a pencil.

I feared the frequent contact with poo that becoming a parent makes inevitable. In fact, I was petrified. "You don't mind when it's your own kid's" I'd be reassured, disblieving the assurances of my advisors. I never did realise just how close the contact with my offsprings faeces would get.

my little angel had some digestive troubles when newborn. At only a couple of months old, she seemed permanently hungry so my wife insisted we supplement her booby-juice diet with some hungry sprog tinned milk. It turns out that she just really liked her mums tits and wanted as much as she could get (can't blame her really - I'm rather fond of them myself!)

This 'fools-amphetamine' powder had an unpleasant reaction to her still developing bowel though, and made her extremely constipated. She would screech in pain and turn beetroot-purple in the face as she strained with all her tiny might. Removing her nappy at such a time would reveal a bum-nugget of epic proportions tryig to escape her poor dilated sphincter. (I'm talking at least an inch and a half thick - that's probably the equivalent of 4 inches to an adult!)

It wasn't dissimilar to watching her, herself squeeze out of her mother not too long previously. When she gave up / ran out of energy it would retract back up into her abdomen. My wife was unsure of what to do, and distraught at the sight of our beautiful daughter suffering such agony.

I did what any great dad in my position had to do. I armed myself with a cotton-bud and (very carefully!) dug out the blockage as it emerged, little by little, massaging her abdomen to re-form the plug into a more passable shape between 'contractions'. When the blockage eventually passed, Mr Whippy doesn't even come close to the cable she ejected. 4 days of unbroken, streamlined refuse.

Why the poor reference to the old joke? I'm an accountant!. Unfortunately, it was my princess' arse I had to go digging into. I'd gladly have taken it from her if I could.
(Greencloud Wanted to go fishing on, Mon 31 Mar 2008, 18:21, 4 replies)

Similar thing happened
when my daughter had a mix of bottle and breast milk. I was advised to spoon feed her pure orange juice - it did work. Never mixed her drinks again!
(TheWeeWitch hasn't been here much recently .., Mon 31 Mar 2008, 18:35, closed)

What a wonderful daddy....
My nephew has trouble pooing even now at the age of 7. He screams blue murder on the toilet and passes a huge monster of a turd. He doesn't like pooing funnily enough. We have been able to get him to eat loads of fruit just by telling him that it will help him poo better.

This will be a great dad story to tell her boyrfriend when she's older.
( girlinthehole, Mon 31 Mar 2008, 18:43, closed)

BGB
Get your nephew's doctor to prescribe 'Movicol'. My son had trouble passing the old butt cigars (he would save it up for a week then pass something that resembled London underground rolling stock in size and rigidity), but no longer after a few weeks of that gold dust.
Now he jackson pollocks in his pants at a mere cough.. I'd say he has a bit of a hair trigger rig in that department.
(Vic Flange, Mon 31 Mar 2008, 19:44, closed)

ewww
clicky clicky
(Neomancer last looked smug on, Tue 1 Apr 2008, 0:32, closed)