Denmark, Sweden, Finland, Norway
So far, I've been telling you about my dire rear explots in third world countries. But how the flying duck did I manage to contract the big D in such obviously first world countries as the Scandinavian countries?

I was on an Inter-rail journey and because of the events I had planned, I was dashing around Europe quite quiclky. From Portugal, I made a mad dash through Spain and France so I could arrive in Luxembourg for the total eclipse (this was in 1999). Now, as you know, in Eurasia, the further east you travel, the more likely you are to contract dire rear. However, France is somewhat of an anomaly. If countries are to be located by their toilet-standards, France would have to be moved to the middle of Siberia.

Anyway, I arrive in Luxembourg, and oh so naively assume that just because every youth-hostel I've been to before has places, there would be one for me. Bear in mind that this is the night before the total eclipse. Unsuprisingly, there wasn't, so in desperation, I decided to bend the rules. I sneaked into a dormitory and found that there was enough space between one of the ends of the beds and the walls for me to lay down and sleep without anyone noticing. So that is what I did. I did not pay anything for my stay at the youth-hostel (although in my defense, they wouldn't have gotten anything out of me had I turned elsewhere, and besides, I had a beer or two in the hostel bar). Karma did not let me go un-punished for this act of youth-hostel etiquette breach.

The next day, I woke up feeling shit. I thought nothing of it, and went out to see the overcast eclipse. That evening, I started to make my way to Denmark. I wasn't feeling well and it wasn't until late that I changed onto a sleeper-train so I had to keep myself awake until then.

Once on the sleeper train, in the middle of the night, I awoke with an urge to shit but it took me all my effort to drag myself to the train toilets. Now, since then, I've had diarrhoea in places such as Cuba, Mongolia and China and have never had an accident. To my shame, my one accident happened in Denmark of all places. To make things worse, I didn't even realise I had had an accident until I pulled down my shorts. ARGH! Because I was desperate to get back to my bed (or at least what passed for a bed), I just poured what I could into the toilet and decided to leave the rest until the following day. Although I had another go at cleaning up in Copenhagen train-station, it wasn't until I got to the youth-hostel that I cleaned up properly.

I've been in youth-hostels in nearly every European country, and several non-European ones. For some reason, Scandinavia is the only region where it's common to have un-partitioned mens' showers. Fortunately, I had the showers to myself so nobody got to see my poopy buttocks.

My rear continued to be dire throughout Scandinavia. One thing I will say about Scandinavia is that it's quite possibly the best place to contract diarrhoea. The toilets there are amazing and plentiful. Needless to say, I can claim responsibility for the 1999 diarrhoea epidemic in Scandinavia, so if you're living in the Nordic countries and caught explosive bumhole, I apologise.
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Tue 1 Apr 2008, 18:27, Reply)