Shoplift... Storeslift.. its all the same Sport.
Worked in engineering stores of a West Sussex based airline, they go belly up owing me a months wages. In a twist of fate/irony I blag a security-guards job and get stationed in my old place of work ,alone ,on nights, to keep the insurance guys happy till the receivers have secured the firms assets.
These stores contained everything needed to run an airline, to the huge stencilled logo’s that go down the side of the aircraft to some really rather expensive looking engine parts.

Anyhoo, at 19, embittered about lost wages I decide to extract the same value owed by lifting an item of stock for my own use.

My parents had a swimming pool with one of those inflatable bubble things over the top, and being a spoilt brat, I was always in the doghouse for wrecking the Lilo’s they used to relax in due to the fact me and my rough-neck mates would trash them. Wait a Mowment, solution!!

I loaded the 25-man inflatable liferaft into the boot of my car, finished my shift, got some sleep then called my mates to start the summer fun. We unpacked it, feelings of trepidation slowly leaking into our enthusiasm as we discovered our haul consisted of “No-messin-about” survival equipment, Rambo knives, a medi-pack that could stock a casualty ward, long-life food and some worryingly meaty distress flares.

We chucked the raft in the shallow end and I pulled the inflate string, my boyish smile steadily fading as this rubber monster awoke hissing angrily as it kept unfolding and unfolding till the edges of it weren’t even in the pool, it also began to stretch and deform the shape of the inflatable dome making it resemble some kind of grossly pregnant blimp. But the thing that really made my bowels loosen, was the urgent flashing strobe on the top of it. “Wow Is that a distress beacon?” my in awe mate enquired.

I had visions of a blip appearing on some Coastguards watchscope, their confusion at a life raft screaming for assistance 28 miles inland. I was so naïve, We promptly made the decision not take the chance, jumping in and using the survival knives to destroy the thing, not easy as its all compartmentalised, took us ages. My dad arrived home in perfect timing to see half a dozen “jumpy” young blokes with knives in his pool and the shredded remains of something big and orange floating forlornly under the surface.

As for what happened to the distress flares, I’ll save that for another QOTW.

Length? Oh yeah, Length AND width of the pool and then some.
(Eeeza bit Tidy A blink, a pause, a blush and then I knew., Thu 10 Jan 2008, 17:20, 5 replies)

Ha
....ha!
(jmaxi returned again on, Thu 10 Jan 2008, 17:51, closed)

Hilarious!
Had me in stiches!

clicks
(SillyMoo, Thu 10 Jan 2008, 17:54, closed)

I'm absolutely
pissing myself, thanks!
(this is a shit username, Thu 10 Jan 2008, 18:36, closed)

I have a vision
in my head now that keeps making me laugh out loud randomly in the office, and i am starting to get funny looks.
Great story, and you even did a ï in naïve. That alone gets a click.
(turtles head is touching cloth poked a dwarf on the forehead at, Fri 11 Jan 2008, 9:06, closed)

I don't...
...care if this is true or not. Funniest thing I've read on b3ta for years!

Thanks.

/relurk for another 3 years
(pootermunky unlurked on, Fri 11 Jan 2008, 10:58, closed)