I Stole A Tree Part Deux
As requested. You'll have to forgive me if it's not as funny as normal but I'm a bit down as I've just ended a long-term relationship today.

Save the sympathy - it wasn't mine bum-tish!


When I lived in Manchester I'd scored with a lovely bit of posh totty. A Sloane Ranger who decided to indulge in a spot of rough - i.e - me.

I'd arranged to pick her up from her halls of residence and take her out for a night on the town. So I got suited and booted in my best leathers and jeans and headed across town to pick her up. On the journey with me was my old partner in crime Denty. As I was about an hour early we decided to have a quick pint and a game of pool before heading for my assignation.

Bad move. In the pub were a bunch of people I knew and we got chatting, as you do, and then playing pool for pints. It was one of those nights where I just couldn't miss. Every ball I went for, every difficult pot or snooker just came off. I was in the zone. I was also winning a lot of beer.

6 o'clock, the time of my date, came and went as did 7,8 and 9. By this time I'd decided that I was so late that I may as well not bother and kept on playing pool. Around ten, a mate of my date came in and asked me what I was playing at. My date was sitting in her flat, dressed to the nines waiting patiently for me. Guilt took me and I sank my last pint and drunkenly wobbled for the door. It took me a while to get to her halls, partly because I was drunk and partly because I stopped to remonstrate with a waste bin that jumped out and attacked me, but I eventually made it.

"She's going to be soooo pissed off" I thought. "Better take her a present. I know. A tree. Girls like growing things"

So I spied a sapling that had been recently planted and went to drag it out of the ground. I took a firm grip with both hands and pulled. Well my grip wasn't firm enough and my hands slid up the tree and ripped themselves to shreds on the tough bark.

"Bugger" I thought. "I'm not being beaten by a tree" so I took a *really* strong grip on the little sod and heaved. Out it came dragging clods of mud and soil with it. And off I headed to my dates flat. I rang the bell and she opened the door.

So there I was, covered in mud and soil proudly holding tree with blood dripping down my hands and a soppy grin on my face.

"Brought you a present" I said thrusting the tree towards.

"Oh Legless" she said taking the tree. "What am I going to do with you?"

Then she proceeded to beat me with her present.

Women eh?


Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Tue 15 Jan 2008, 3:09, 5 replies)

I have a vague recollection of you telling this tale...
But we were both probably pissed.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 15 Jan 2008, 9:37, closed)

silly drunken legless
but click anyway!
(Halfy By light alone, Tue 15 Jan 2008, 10:44, closed)

Trees make great gifts!
*click*
I gave someone a tree for his birthday. Me and a bunch of other drunken guests had escaped his dreadfully boring house party, found a pre-uprooted tree in the park, and brought it home.
He didn't speak to us for the rest of the night. Ungrateful bastard.
(TheChicken Five hundred thousand points from Gryffindor, Tue 15 Jan 2008, 11:17, closed)

Imagination
I now have an image of something like Andre the giant trying to impress his first missus!
*click* for that!
(Fuckarma was masturbating into your handbag, Tue 15 Jan 2008, 13:54, closed)

Sounds like one night at uni
When two girls decided to drag half a willow tree into the hall. They couldn't fit it in the lift, and certainly couldn't get it up the stairs, so it ended up outside my room. The rest of the evening passed in a blur as I wheeled my TV out, a sofa, and we all chilled out in what was now effectively an indoor bower. Quite nice really.
( jim_bob can herd cats., Tue 15 Jan 2008, 19:27, closed)