Should my brother be sectioned?
This is long, probably unfunny and comes with an apology in advance for rambling on and on.

My brother is 31, I'm 36. He was an annoying little sod in the great tradition of younger siblings.

Some of the tricks he pulled included:

For years he would squeal (like a girl) and claim I was hitting him when I was across the room. He was finally caught aged about 11 and then it was realised he was a lying little toerag.

He wrote his own name on the wooden bannister and blamed me, when it was clearly his own scrawl.

He nicked stuff in the usual way, but went as far as to cut out labels from boxes of designer aftershave that were in my bin.

If ever I had a clear out, I'd put everything in a bag, tie it up and throw it away, but he'd retrieve the bag, have a good look through it, keep a few things and chuck the rest back in the bin- when I noticed he'd got my old crap I'd thrown out, he'd deny it and say I gave it to him.

I'm sure I wasn't perfect but he definitely got the better deal.

He's always been a bit of a loner; little confidence, no social skills and a real underachiever at school- opposite of me in most respects. My mother was the one who motivated him to get a job, go to college, even get his lazy arse out of bed in the morning.

A few years ago my parents split up and my mother did a disappearing act with a neighbour about 7 years older than me. My brother was lost without her. He had been saying for years that something was going on, but having been caught so many times telling porkies, neither my father or me took any notice.

Shortly after this he came out of the closet, and embarked on a campaign of meeting men via chatrooms, travelling far and wide on his dole money to meet them, get into a relationship then become all obsessive and get dumped.

He is, I think, both bi-polar and obsessive-compulsive. He can't let anything go, even the smallest thing must be done/seen/had/avenged. He has police records for sending emails, texts, making phone calls; he's been threatened with legal action by employers of one ex because he simply would not leave him alone. I'm pretty certain he's hacked email accounts or even PCs for information. When he was younger, perhaps 16 or so, he wrote to the local independent radio station and asked for some signed photos of the DJs- when he didn't receive a photo of every single one he wrote back to them, individually, and complained.

He hasn't worked for about 5 years- he was 'bullied' at work. At his last place a couple of gay blokes outed him and he never went back, he tried to sue them and ended up getting a few hundred quid and a watertight silencing agreement, which he took rather than fighting for justice- even though he had the backing of a union he joined. All he does now is roll up at the docs once every 6 months, say he's still depressed and all that, and gets another half a year worth of (my) tax free cash to top up his mobile. He could easily go to work but he chooses not to, sit at home all day texting and surfing, causing trouble for people online, and he gets away with it.

My girlfriend reported him to the police over some especially nasty things he sent her via text and email, and she was told, off the record, that several police forces around the country are just waiting for him to take it that little bit too far and he's in the nick. Seems that he knows just how far to take it to stay out of trouble.

He has cost me the trust of my father. He decided that my girlfriend was wrong about something minor- even though she wasn't. So he went on another email and text campaign against her, telling her she was bad for me, she didn't treat my daughter properly and that she would never be my daughter's mother. My girlfriend has no desire to be her mother, they're more than happy being "buddies" as they call it- and very very close ones at that.

This all happened last year, the evening before his 30th. We went to the pub, and I'd offered to take him for a few beers, in a brotherly kind of way. My father decided that he would take over and invite the family, friends, etc, which was a bit off as I'd already said we'd go for a few pints, but I let it go as his gesture was well meant. He asked if I was bringing my daughter and I said no, as it was a late night and there was a comedy act on- I knew it wouldn't be suitable for her.

He didn't say anything to me, as he can't ever say anything to anyone's face, but he sent my father a text. Father then text me to ask what I was playing at, and my brother had made it seem to my dad that my girlfriend had made me say no and it was all her idea, she was a bad person who didn't want my daughter around and so on, all untrue. I was simply being a responsible parent who didn't wish to subject his young daughter to a late evening probably of an adult nature.

We walked from the pub together, before I was aware of all this crap he'd told my father. As we went one way he went the other, and within about 30 seconds, I had a snotty text saying 'we need to talk', which is when all this became apparent.

Since then, I have had little to do with him. I went to the pub to see the family but had nothing to say to him or my father. My father used to come round for a cuppa a couple of times a week but since this, he's not set foot in my house. I've been to his 5 time- 3 birthdays and 2 Christmases.

My brother has been offered a place at a psychiatric assessment unit but refused because he would have been without his precious mobile and internet for a week. He clearly needs help to become a functional member of society and to get over his issues but he chooses to bury his head in the sand and live a life of denial.

Me? I am now at the past caring stage. I think that my relationship with my father is shot for good; there will never be any trust or respect again, and for that I blame my brother 100%. 99% of me hopes he lives a sad lonely life as punishment for the misery he's brought to me and so many other people along the way. 1% of me hopes he gets locked up for a spell, gets the help he needs, but only so he doesn't affect anyone else's life. I looked into stuff about getting him taken in against his will but it seems that will only happen if he becomes a serious danger to himself or others, whereas now he classed as a nuisance rather that a threat.

Apologies for length, seriousness, yawn factor, rambling on, going round in circles and lack of humour, but if anyone can offer advice on what to do with him, apart from shooting him or punching his lights out, I'm listening.
(randomstupidname would really like this signature field to be bigge, Fri 26 Dec 2008, 20:59, 8 replies)

Ouch. . .
I really don't know what to say. There certainly doesn't seem like an easy solution.

I was sort of heading along the 'irritating younger sibling' path myself, until my sisters (all four of 'em) slowly encouraged change, by means of walloping me whenever it was deemed neccescary.
Probably a bit late for that though.
(Sundayturkey has the biggest mug of tea, Fri 26 Dec 2008, 23:42, closed)

the times I have set out
with the intention of going in, thumping him in the nose and walking out, I can't tell you. All he'd do would get the law on me, I'd get a caution of worse, and he'd have more ammo to use against me. I've often thought it might be worth the risk but not gone ahead.

Bloody good idea though!
(randomstupidname would really like this signature field to be bigge, Sat 27 Dec 2008, 23:44, closed)

Rape him.
( routine has perfected burgers, Sat 27 Dec 2008, 1:35, closed)

Nah
he's probably got something nasty
(randomstupidname would really like this signature field to be bigge, Sat 27 Dec 2008, 23:44, closed)

Does he post on b3ta..
..as JamMasterGeordie?

Seriously, it's usually pretty obvious if someone's bipolar - unmedicated they get crushing downs and lunatic ups that are unmistakeable; and all moods with a good dose of psychosis. Without medication he rather obviously wouldn't be able to work in much capacity unless an exceptional case (or "mildly bipolar" like stephen fry.. hmmm..).

Look into personality disorders, since he seems to be so manipulative.. they're a bit tricky to treat as they are basically just labels for downright bad behaviour - bad behaviour that has become chronic. There's no medication for them but counselling can help with the right person.

All this emailing/texting might be a cry for help from someone who can't confront situations directly so if he could find the right person to talk to - the psychiatric assessment thing seems like a good idea.

Sectioning people for gossiping sounds a bit harsh btw.. sticks and stones etc.. the thing that made your dad start avoiding you isn't clear - methinks there's more to it than vague allegations that your wife wouldn't let your daughter go to the pub.. if your dad has problems with that on its own then he's a bit wrong too!

Er.. yours sincerely, Deirdre.
(raymond "three griddle pans" luxury yacht lovin' the christmas action, Sat 27 Dec 2008, 14:00, closed)

not sure if he posts on here....
... and I'm not sure he'd recognise himself if he did, he's that inward and messed up. The not talking face to face is possibly a cry for help but he's been offered help, I think it's more that he hasn't got the balls to talk to people for reasons already mentioned.

The old man... he's just an old fashioned miserable git to be frank. He claims to be open minded but he's not, and he's being used by his new partner's family left right and centre, and can't see it. Not sure what to do about him- he will listen but won't accept he may have been wrong. I've agreed to disagree to a point but he's not meeting me halfway.

It's not the gossiping I think he should be sectioned for, it's the way it was done, and the other stuff he's done. He won't go for the assessment, maybe he's scared of the result but it's the only way he'll get help.

Thanks for reading the essay BTW :-)
(randomstupidname would really like this signature field to be bigge, Sat 27 Dec 2008, 23:41, closed)

Just cut contact with him completely.
He's an adult and if you haven't been able to fix him yet then I doubt you will. You need to live a happy and peaceful life without worrying about him. My family cut all contacts with one of my sisters a long time ago as she was causing us all unhappiness. She wasn't as bad as your brother but bad enough that we had to leave her to her own devices. We're now all in contact again as she seems to have changed for the better but we're still taking it slow in building bridges.
( girlinthehole, Sat 27 Dec 2008, 19:10, closed)

ideal but difficult
as my daughter still likes to see him, she's not really quite old enough to fully understand although that time is coming when I may tell her what's happened. She's sensible and intelligent enough to make her own decisions, and I'm sure she will once I give her the talk!
(randomstupidname would really like this signature field to be bigge, Sat 27 Dec 2008, 23:46, closed)