My version of The Aristocrats.
a family goes to see a talent agency... there's a mother, a father, a son a daughter and the family dog.

the Talent agent takes one look at them and before the father even opens his mouth says "ugh, family act, too fucking cute... NEXT!" the Father dashes over and slams the door before the next act can enter and says "you listen here mister, me and my beautiful wife here have driven two hundred miles so we can show you our spectacular act, months of planning have gone into this, because we are SURE you will like our ac, now Pleeeeease, give us five minutes?" the talent agent gives a begrudging nod and says "sure, five minutes." The family take their positions in a line and in a comical pantomime fashion enquires, "Say Mom, where's Mister Shiny?" the Mother enquires, "Mister Shiny?" The father pulls a twelve inch hunting knife and embeds it in his wife's Nose, she screams and goes hysterical with pain while he twists and pulls, boring six inches of flesh out, the Son whips out his cock, stuffs it in his mother's now empty nasal cavity and pees and fucks, making her high pitched screaming vary like he was playing a trombone, occasionally she stops to choke and spit the piss directly into the face of her daughter who tastes it and exclaims she's diabetic. the Daugher then manhandles the knife off her Father, cuts his cock off, turns it around and stuffs it in her mother's nasal cavity, leaving her with a bleeding flaccid cock in place of a nose. The Daughter removes her panties for the first time, revealing both a penis and a vagina and has her mother nosefuck her beshitted asshole while the Dog fucks away at her cunt, making her virgin hymen bleed, her brother kneels down and sucks her cock with his sodomy warn arsehole pointing skyward, and suddenly sprays a torrent of diarohea straight up, of course, what goes up must come down. as a finale, the motehr goes into labour, so the father staggers to his feet, nearly passed out from pain and bloodloss, picks the dog up by its leg and kicks it's face to death while performing the cassock dance and opens it's jaws, cmaping it around the mother's vagina by it's teeth, she pushes and fills the dog carcass with placenta and screaming foetus, the Daughter picks it up and exclaims, "Now for my impersonation of Ray Charles", she begins fingering the dog's arsehole in the manner of a pianist exclaiming "why the fuck isn't this piano tuned right?" she then exclaims. "Now, Freddie Mercury" She picks the dog up like a guitar and wails "I DiEd Of AiDs!!!!11111111111" while her mother hums Bohemian rhapsody, forcing mucus cum and piss to shoot out from her nosehole. "Now Jimi Hendrix!" Her brother and father accompany the mother in humming purple haze while she plays the doguitar perfectly, were it capable of producing a note, flicking off puss ridden scabs with the plectrum. she then doused it in lighter fluid lit it and announced. "Now the Who! She grabbed it by the tail in lieu of a fretboard and burst it's corpse against the floor, leaking placenta and various dead organs. they pick up the mess, roll it into gross parodies of snowballs and have a quick imprompto snowball fight giggling and lauging like schoolchildren, then run to the center of the room, stand to attention in a nazi salute and shout... "TADAAAAAAAAA!"

the Talent agent just sits there for a second, two stunned to speak, he stumbles over a few disconnected words then manages, "that was a hell of an act... what do you call it?"

"The Aristocrats."

If anyone can beat it they get a cookie, the bits you'e supposed to improvise are: the members of this particular family And, the entire act. happy trying!
(Slyph, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 14:03, Reply)