so very very long
A man pulls into a motorway service station in the middle of nowhere. He's ravenously hungry, so he goes into the Little Chef attached to the petrol station. Evidently, the rest of the world is also starved, as the place is packed to the rafters. Luckily, there's one table free.

Just as his food arrives, a leper walks in. The leper's clearly not been taking the best care of himself: he's a bit flaky, is missing an ear, and smells a little of drains. The restaurant hasn't thinned out any, so the waitress approaches our hero and asks if he'd mind awfully if the leper joined him at the table.

He doesn't want to be rude, and gestures that it's fine. But he's a little uncomfortable, and hunches over his meal. A few moments later, however, curiosity gets the better of him and he looks up.

"Jesus fucking Christ!"

The leper is a little taken aback, "Sir, I know the way I look, and if I'm offending you, I'll just leave."

"No, no, I'm sorry, it's not you. Sorry." And so he hunches further over his meal.

But his appetite has taken a knock, and he knows it's only a matter of time before he has to look again. And so he just glances up.

"For the love of all that's holy!"

"OK, seriously, I'll leave. Really, it's fine. I know what I am."

"No, no don't. It's not you, honestly. Stay. I apologise."

But now his appetite is crushed, and he's merely pushing beans around a plate in a futile effort not to appear too rude. And he has to look, dear Lord, he has to look.

"The baby Jesus sucking cock!"

"Right, that's it." The leper gets up to leave.

"No, no, it's not you. Really. It's the guy behind you dipping his tortilla chips in the back of your head!"
( Shedside, Sat 4 Feb 2006, 18:01, Reply)