I was a late starter
18 I think, when I sampled my first Consulate.
19 when I had my first ham shank.
My first ever vibrator was purchased at the age of 20 and it distinctly resembled a cigar.
So, on that tenuous link, and as the qotw has changed earlier than expected, here is a story about

My First Vibrator

Most of us have been caught in the act of ultimate self-indulgence - by a parent / carer / proper grown-up at one time or another. Usually in our teens.

As I said above, I didn't discover the joys of creamy self love 'til I hit 20.
Cue purchase of First Vibrator.
It was hearing-aid beige and ribbed from root to tip.
Hours and hours ON END of pleasure.
Until it went for a shit.
Being an electrician's daughter, I had half an idea what might have gone wrong with toy.
Having already left home, I conjured up some lame excuse of wanting to catch up with my folks - why not make a night of it and sleep over?

I waited until both parents had hit the sack - gave them half an hour to doze off - then went in search of Daddy's Soldering Iron.

I was well-oiled in the use of t'soldering iron, had been "Daddy's Little Helper" since nipperhood.

Found the soldering iron. And the solder. And the bit resin stuff. Set about the surgery. Scalpel to the BOTTOM END, rotating 45 degrees.........

Expansion clamps in situ...........

Solder/surgery complete success. Bandaged the patient's wound with thick black NCB insulating tape.


I tentatively turned the end, not sure what reaction to expect.....

My beloved beige bell end sprang into life, growling Aston Martin DB9 style.

Eager to perform a test drive, yet anxious not to push me luck with the sleeping household, prudent methinks, to bide my time.......

Thus, I stole myself to procrastinate.
Proper grown-up-getty-up time the following morning, both parents exit to Downstairs.
Hoofuckingray! Nobody within earshot.

Jeremy Clarkson is about to test drive the DB9

The powerful engine springs into life!
Young Tourettes is literally in the throes of passion - ribbed rubber ruminator is doing it's thing.........

oooooooohhhhh............

aaaarrrrhhhhhhhhhhhhh..........

MMMMMmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...........

Yeah-yeah-yeah-oh-my-fucking-sweet-jesus....

pant-pant-pant-sniff-pant-etc.

My mother enters the room.
What USED to be my room.
Tis now the spare room.

This is what she says.........

"I was about to go up the street for a bit of shopping.
I was wondering if you'd like to come.........????
( Tourette's ( . )( . ) has a monkey hair in her fried egg, Thu 20 Mar 2008, 1:10, 5 replies)

Superb.
Makes a change from ...."and I opened my eyes, and there was a steaming mug of tea there"
*Clicks.*
( Duke Of Belmsford has got 99 records, but Jay-Z ain't one, Thu 20 Mar 2008, 1:16, closed)

And the moral of the story kids
Is that wanking is neither big nor clever.





Except when it is.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Thu 20 Mar 2008, 1:16, closed)

yay!
*clicks flicks*

QOTW: Question of the Wank
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Thu 20 Mar 2008, 7:51, closed)

Oh yes!
Resorting to sex for a click? Check
Cringeworthy "caught in the act" punchline? Check
Well written? Check and check again

Classic Tourette's. More please.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Thu 20 Mar 2008, 12:15, closed)

thanks a lot!
i've now got a very annoyed niece and nephew demanding to know why i'm laughing so loud!
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Thu 20 Mar 2008, 14:06, closed)