I still have no idea
how Yowl managed to get into ANY university, even one as lax and mediocre as the median of my three alma matae. He was not a bless-ed boy, neither in brains, wit, nor common sense, and he was so exceptionally gullible that he believed just about anything (and I mean ANYTHING) he was told. He jostles with a scant few others for the title of "the biggest numpty I have ever met".

I knew him through two of my friends, Geordie and Joizi, who were members of the pool club - of which Yowl was captain - and they had been playing against him for a few months. Living in one of the smallest university towns in britain, with almost no amenities, was a drain on all our spirits, and in an attempt to alleviate the mind-numbing tedium of life in said town, said brace of acquaintances decided to victimise said gullible ϝυcκτard.

Their method was neither complex, nor sophisticated - one day, Geordie went to Yowl's room in the halls block adjacent to our own, and pushed a note reading something along the lines of "This is Joizi/ I am gay/ Let's commit acts of man-love. PS I love you" under the door.

Yowl, not being too bright, responded to this, not by talking to Joizi himself, but instead by talking to one of his close friends. As they played pool together, he chose Geordie, who promptly confirmed the whole story as true, with the result that Yowl now backed against the wall whenever Joizi entered the same room.

As with all japes, Geordie gave it a couple of days and then circulated it amongst our circle of friends, telling all (including Joizi), and as a result we had a jolly old gaffaw. Joizi, wanting some form of revenge, returned the favour, slipping his own note under Yowl's door, which read along the lines of "This is Geordie/ I am gay / I love you/ I wrote the last note, to drive us together".

I will freely concede this is all very puerile, but we were puerile folk, bored beyond belief with only cruelty to keep us sane. Each of the protagonists continued to send notes purporting to be from the other, and declaring undying love, in a roughly alternating sequence. Eventually, Yowl became convinced all the notes originated with Joizi, despite being in two distinct hands, as Geordie didn't have the habit of jokingly touching up other men when drunk, while Joizi did. Subsequently, Geordie built Yowl's paranoia to a fever pitch, the gullible bastard swallowing every last bogus word.

One night at the end of the year, we had been out for a few drinks. Once the pub had closed, some of us advocated a return home with cans, while others favoured a journey to the town's one late bar. As we could not reach concord, we split into two groups, and while Joizi and Trotter went to the late bar, the remaining half-a-dozen or so of us (including myself and Geordie) strolled home, spar lager in hand. Somewhere, somehow en route to our place, we 'acquired' Yowl.

It started off jovially enough, swigging our budget piss-water while various members of our company exchanged 'exotic cigarettes'. The conversation between Geordie and Yowl inevitably turned to the notes 'Joizi' had been sending. Suddenly, another of my housemates, Dod, intervened.

"Notes? Under the door? He sent them to you too?", Dod asked.

Yowl nodded. Dod immediately launched into an entirely fictitious five minute, off-the-cuff monologue, cataloguing the entirely made-up details of a non-existent three month campaign of "sexual harassment" that Dod claimed Joizi had waged upon him. There had been attempts to "watch him in the shower", he had "picked the lock on his door and got in his bed naked", undertaken episodes of "drunken, crying pleading", "pushed notes under the door", and the net result was that "Dod only dated his girlfriend to let Joizi know he was unavailable and straight".

The Dod let out the 'big secret'.

"You know Joizi's american? His cousin's in the CIA..."
"Really?", gawped Yowl.
"Yeah - he's sent him all these gadgets, classified stuff. I mean, the CIA can do what they like. *looks over each shoulder* He sent him a set of goggles that can see through walls...."

Yowl sat in appalled silence.

"You know those bushes out the front of your block?", continued Dod, "Have you ever seen them move?"

Yowl nodded slowly.

"That's him. He can see through the curtains, through the wall. That's when he's watching you....."

Yowl visibly blanched, began to tremble. All that time, he thought, he had watched him. He had watched him eat, sleep, undress and masturbate. He hadn't realised, thought there was another cause. How stupid he felt now. After a minute or so of shocked disbelief he stammeringly blurted his 'folly'.

"I....I.... I THOUGHT THAT WAS THE WIND!"
_{Which was, of course, correct.}

Three of us where, by this point, visibly biting our own fists, so as not to laugh, and I sincerely expected him to wet himself. When I thought I could hold my chuckles no more and would give the game up, my salvation came in the form of the uncannily well timed return of Joizi and Trotter, drunk as lords.

Bursting into the kitchen, Trotter pointed at Joizi and bellowed,

"THAT DIRTY BASTARD TRIED TOUCHING ME UP ALL THE WAY HOME!"

Joizi strolled in just behind him.

Yowl stared at him.

Joizi noticed, and flashed back a camp, almost dainty wave.


I have never seen anyone run as fast as Yowl did at that moment before or since.


He didn't visit us again....
(cs1ca, Fri 1 Feb 2008, 2:32, 8 replies)

*clicks*

( Slippery Mick ‏, Fri 1 Feb 2008, 2:51, closed)

Ace
is the only word that springs to mind at the end of this story.

Have a hearty click.
(LLamaBoy skived off work on, Fri 1 Feb 2008, 10:24, closed)

*clicks*
I like stories about stupid people!
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Fri 1 Feb 2008, 10:51, closed)

*clicks*
brilliance. pure brilliance.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Fri 1 Feb 2008, 20:40, closed)

*clicks*
that is fucking hilarious!
( flirting with badgers What? It sounded good at the time., Sun 3 Feb 2008, 23:25, closed)

ten out of ten
This sounds perfectly executed, and is one of those joyous victimisations that only boys can make work.

I like it a lot.
(entry_level_adultette, Mon 4 Feb 2008, 2:20, closed)

Even when the lies got silly, he still fell for them.
Maybe he secretly wanted them to be true. ;)
(Musuko, Mon 4 Feb 2008, 17:02, closed)

Brilliant...
*applauds loudly*

oh, and *click*
( snee held his breath since, Tue 5 Feb 2008, 15:46, closed)