liar
Among her other interesting traits, my mother is a pathological liar and a fantasist who spends most of her life in her own world. Once, when returning a Rick Astley CD to a street trader because "it didn't sound like him" she tried to bolster her argument by pretending she was Astley's mum. The trader pissed himself laughing at her. But that's not the story.

The story is that I had a thing for playing the drums with anything remotely drumstick-like: knives, forks, bamboo canes, whatever. Once, I found some chopsticks in the cutlery draw and drummed with such ferocity that I broke them. So I just threw them away.

When mother dear discovered the shattered sticks, she went ballistic and told me that the chopsticks were antique, made of ivory and handed down through generations. She stormed upstairs and gathered my most prized possessions together: my stereo, my Samantha Fox poster, my Star Wars figures. And she said she'd burn them all unless I could replace the chopsticks.

Me: Why did you have antique chopsticks in the cutlery draw?
Mum: Never mind.
Me: Where am I going to buy antique chopsticks that have been in your family for generations?
Mum: I don't care.
Me: Your family are Irish - they lived in Sheffield since they were kids ...
Mum: Somebody went to China ... and they bought these chopsticks.
Me: Why didn't they just take a fork?
Mum: I'm going to get some matches ...

So I went to a friend's house and bitched about my psycho mother, telling him the story of the 'priceless' chopsticks. He said, "We've got loads of chopsticks - why not take some of ours?" And, lo!, his chopsticks were exactly the same as my mother's - £2 for about 50 of them from a charity shop. Made of plastic. I offered to give him Boba Fett for 10 of them.

Cue me going home and presenting not one pair but 5 to my mother.

Mum: Where did you get these?
Me: My friend's family also has a Chinese connection - it's called Oxfam

I got all my stuff back. The lying bitch.
(frankspencer, Fri 9 Mar 2007, 9:37, Reply)