Memories..
One night, when I was back from my travels, I was staying with my mum for a while before I buggered off on my wanders again. This particular night I'd been on the piss in Newcastle and ended up getting home at about 3am a wee bit worse for wear. I fished around in my pockets and then drunkenly tried to get my key in the door. Arse. I was so pissed I couldn't find the lock in the dark. So I poked and poked at the lock then magically the door opened!

"Legless!! You bloody useless drunken oaf. You're just like your bloody dad. You've woken up half the street!!"

"What! What! What are you on about? I'm only trying to open the bloody door. I'm being quiet as a mouse.." I explained.

"You useless idiot. You've been trying to stick your key in the doorbell for the last half hour...."

Oops....

I was in the doghouse big style for that one. For a whole week. Eventually she forgave me and the atmosphere thawed a bit and Friday night rolled around again. And again I went out in town and got well pissed and rolled home around 3am. I was super quiet as I arrived home and then I fished around in my pockets for my keys. Arsebiscuits! I couldn't find them.

Now this was a pickle. I didn't dare ring the doorbell and wake the family again, not after last week, so what was I to do? Brainwave!

I headed round to the back of the house, into the garden shed and dug out an old hand-powered drill. One of those ancient ones with a handle on the side. Fitting a drill bit to it, I staggered over to the downstairs toilets window and laboriously drilled a series of holes through the window frame until I eventually had made enough so I could wiggle a bit of wire about and flick up the window catch. Yay! I was in.

I opened the window and heaved my drunken bulk into the window and, being slightly enthusiastic , crashed head-first into the toilet bowl and broke the bloody thing. Smashed to pieces and with water all over the sodding place. Of course, this racket didn't go un-noticed and in a few seconds my mother arrived with her trusty broom and proceeded to beat me about the face and head while screeching like a banshee....


I'm my own worst enemy at times....


Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Mon 12 Mar 2007, 23:25, Reply)