Outrageous
I was in the pub celebrating losing my job when Lenny suggested that the spirits we'd been drinking all night weren't working. Could've fooled me: I'd lost all motor functions and had pissed myself three times because I was unable to walk to the lavs. I was sitting there in a pool of my own urine but everyone was too drunk to notice.

So Lenny opens his backpack and brings out a selection of perfumes he stole from the street market. "Who wants Calvin Klein's 'Eternity'?" he roared, cracking off the top against the table edge and drinking it down in one go. A scent of cedarwood and lime filled our corner (smothering the reek of piss).

Gimme Naomi Campbell's 'Delicious' yelled Dan, and gulped down a throatful of delicate ylang ylang and citrus highnotes. Not to be outdone, I snatched a bottle of David Beckham's 'Shooter' and hammered it. My nasal passages were filled with a musky yet masculine scent.

By now we were fuckin' well off our tits. The Beckham scent had me rocking back and forth like a hasidic Jew on acid and Lenny was snorting salt of his McCoys mature cheddar. I found myself lying in my own piss and weeping like a little girl.

"Dare you to fuck the barmaid up the dirt chute whle she's serving that off-duty copper a pint!" yelled Dan from the floor, where he was evacuating from every orifice.

"Done!" I growled. I staggered to my feet, a vision in piss and cologne, and walked zombie-like to the bar. I lifted up the swingy thing, walked up to the barmaid and started to unzip my trousers. Despite my inebriated state, my tool was as hard as Cleopatra's needle and I started to wave it about.

Enraged by my swollen weapon, the barmaid put down the pint she was pulling and dropped to her knees to swallow my cock. I couldn't beleive it! Right there in front of the whole bar, she sucked, groaned and tongued my throbbing helmet as I tilted my head back and emptied a bottle of vodka from an optic into my eyeball. Just as my orgasm gushed forth into her hot throat, I cracked open two bottles of WKD blue and chugged them both.

At least that's how I remember it. In truth, I woke up in a psychiatric ward three days later smelling of piss and David Beckham. Don't drink perfume, kids. It's bad.
(frankspencer, Fri 2 Nov 2007, 13:17, 11 replies)

A return to form...
Well done Frank. Nice to have you back!
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Fri 2 Nov 2007, 14:08, closed)

Haha
Excellent as always.
(scentless_apprentice takes two bottles into the shower!, Fri 2 Nov 2007, 14:13, closed)

Yes, that;s what I'm talking about
Classic Frank, sarcasm tinged with erotica.
The master is back!
(Vic Flange, Fri 2 Nov 2007, 14:21, closed)

I just though actually..
The last 3 comments sound a bit like reviews from the guardian colour supplement.
You could use them on the front of your next novel!
(Vic Flange, Fri 2 Nov 2007, 14:29, closed)

Lunar Jim
Have to disagree - no mention of 'zeitgeist', in italics of course.
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Fri 2 Nov 2007, 14:36, closed)

Ah, good Reverend
I stand corrected.
(Vic Flange, Fri 2 Nov 2007, 14:41, closed)

If I ever finish my next novel
It'll make these posts look like child's play. It'll contain cynicism so biiter that your retinas will be scorched and you'll taste bile for weeks afterwards. It's about creative writing courses and the tits who do them (me included).
(frankspencer, Fri 2 Nov 2007, 14:47, closed)

I dont think I like the idea of scorched retinas.
This book sounds a bit noncey, Frank.. any chance of a couple of poo anecdotes and gratuitous use of the word "Cunt" for good measure?
Just to keep the dorito chugging morons (such as myself) sated, you understand.
(Vic Flange, Fri 2 Nov 2007, 14:51, closed)

Absolutely....
...the more bodily functions, the better as far as I'm concerned.
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Fri 2 Nov 2007, 15:03, closed)

Lunar Jim
Do you ever do any work? Are you a journo by any chance? You might have to become my role model.

It's Rachelswipe who worries me. She's a lawyer and never seems to do anything but surf b3ta.
(frankspencer, Fri 2 Nov 2007, 15:04, closed)

Do I ever do any work?
Normally, yes, but I am working my notice and I'm making the most of my liberty before returning to the world of the slave.

You are welcome to use me as a role model if you dont mind heaping admiration on a slightly podgy middle aged man with thick NHS glasses and a military style haircut.
I also like to keep at least 2 pens in my top pocket.
(Vic Flange, Fri 2 Nov 2007, 15:12, closed)